The Minivan Escapades
by Predtards
Summary: These will be a collection of one shots, some silly and some serious, outlining character development for our later stories and to simply enjoy some good old Predator fun. These one shots are a supplementary tale to our other work, Hero is a Cheap Label.
1. Red Herring

Author Note: This is one of our mixed one shots, silly and serious. Our characters WILL actually be doing something similar to this work, but the beginning of our serious story may or may not start like this. Please excuse our blatant character development stages.

Summary: This is PG-13 for lots of explosions and Alien death and FOWL LANGUAGE. Wait, what? Foul. FOUL language. There we go. This one shot shows what the main HUMAN characters' lives are like. What they do, how they do it and why. Enjoy and please review! Anonymous reviews are welcome!

Red Herrings

We had come to Earth to hunt the _Kainde Amedha_. They were roving everywhere and being able to stalk such packs, larger than any seen before was, indeed, a challenge. However, we had other motives for coming to this tiny planet. The _Pyode Amedha_ were dying out, ravaged by the _Kainde Amedha_. We had been sent, along with others, to clean up the mess, to keep one prey species from destroying another. It would be a shame to lose one of our more prized species to neglect.

Tvrtko and I had just landed, eager to seek out the _Kainde Amedha_. It was our first time hunting in an area with _Oomans_. We had been Blooded not long ago and we had chosen each other, as usual, for hunting partners. We had landed in a cold zone, despite orders, due to an exterior camera spotting a massive horde of _Kainde Amedha_ flocking in an abnormal pattern.

Shortly after landing, while preparing to scout the area, we began hearing strange, hideously loud noises. We finished adjusting our gear and ensuring the safety of our ship before investigating the source of the uproar. Reaching a vantage point, we surveyed the plain laid out before us. A small dot was tearing across the open land, kicking up a wave of dust, and closely followed by an ever growing throng of _Kainde Amedha._

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"_LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR! LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR!"_

The stereos blared out the music, full volume, into the wasteland around it. Maniacal laughter spilled from the driver's lips as she let loose with her chosen firearm of the day at an approaching Alien. Green eyes glowed with a decidedly twisted glee from behind a pair of cracked and abused glasses. Teeth bared in a feral grin, she pulled her arm back into the careening vehicle, pulling a quick U-turn to slam into the dazed Alien with the reinforced bumper.

Wheeling back around, her hair, freed from its pigtails, flew wildly about her tanned and scarred face. She hit the gas violently, giving the minivan a huge speed surge, before sparing a glance to her cohort in the passenger side.

"How's your car sickness, doll face?" she screamed over the wind and music. Her companion, looking distinctly infuriated and ill, shot a glare her way, before poking her head up through the sun roof and launching a barrage of fire from her semi-automatic rifle.

Sitting back down, she reloaded her weapon with a fresh magazine, snapping at the deranged speeder. "Marie… Could you PLEASE just TRY to drive in a STRAIGHT LINE? Goners is NOT a ballerina!"

The carsick passenger rolled her blue eyes, raking her fingers through her short hair. The cropped cut waved wildly, unwilling to be tamed. Blowing out a frustrated sigh, the trim woman patted her grumbling stomach and prepared to open fire once more.

Marie just grinned again, patting the dash of the van, before slamming on the gas once again. "Now, now, Evie, you KNOW these are luring and distraction jobs. I HAVE to do crazy maneuvers to bring the evil spiders in!"

"Xenomorphs, darling. XENOMORPHS."

"Piffle. They are CLEARLY evil spiders. I TOLD you they were out to get me!"

The inane conversation was abruptly ended when an Alien decided to pounce on the front of the car from its chosen hidey hole in the cliff face. Marie shrieked and proceeded to yank the wheel as far to the left as possible, using the Alien's own momentum against it to fling it from the hood. As soon as the Alien was safely flung away, Marie took off again, ensuring more distance between the two women and the massive amounts of Aliens behind them.

Gazing at the long scratches now decorating her car, Marie began to wail. "My BABY! Oh, Goners, my sweetie, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to let the mean spiders get you! Forgive me! I'll get you all fixed up after this job!"

The sobbing tirade was cut short when Evie, one hand clutching her heaving chest, reached out and smacked Marie upside the head. "DON'T. DO. THAT. AGAIN."

Marie grinned sheepishly, apologizing to her irate partner. Evie took a deep breath, trying to calm her racing heart. "It's fine. Let's just get to our drop spot and take care of this lot, all right? And PLEASE. No more racecar moves. This thing drives like a tank."

The two continued their bumpy trek, passing by a large mound of charred rubble. A few of the Aliens following the vehicle peeled off and ran back up the cliffs, and Marie scowled darkly. "Eeeeeviieeee…. This isn't going to work for much longer. Even the noob aliens are figuring it out. We need to think of something else."

"Well, we don't have many other options. When we get back we'll try and make some new plans. Let's talk to Marv when we go back North. He's always got a new idea or two we can use."

Marie nodded, far more focused now on ensuring the maximum number of Aliens followed them, as well as watching the time. The two shot into another segment of cliffs, the masses of Aliens following their raucous trail.

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Dho'mago'te was enjoying watching this idiocy far too much. Those _Oomans_ would never escape from the situation they'd gotten themselves into. Only true fools made that much noise when trying to flee. I shook my head at the impending massacre, wondering how an _Ooman_ could EVER be considered worthy prey, much less something worth saving.

We watched them veer into a canyon, the hundred odd _Kainde Amedha_ following close behind. I had been about to tell my larger partner that we should go, when an explosion rocked the landscape, sending us both into a defensive crouch. Dust, ash and smoke soared into the sky and we surveyed the wreckage in front of us.

Out of the middle of the cloud of debris came the _Ooman's_ land machine, finally silent. The canyon behind them had collapsed in on itself, burying the vast majority of the _Kainde Amedha _in the tons of rock. A few were scurrying away, some injured, some having been fast enough to slip away before the detonation.

Dho'mago'te was laughing, telling me that he KNEW I had the funniest look on my face, underneath my mask. I scowled behind the metal, attempting to figure out when _Oomans_ had started behaving in such an abnormal manner. I was fairly certain that acting as living bait was out of the norm for most species. The sane ones, anyway.

My partner was still going on about how fun the _Oomans_ seemed to be, and that we HAD to try to use their plan of attack at some point. I was more than ready to head to our intended territory, but Dho'mago'te kept insisting that we just HAD to follow the _Ooman_ warriors, that they clearly constituted worthy prey.

I was sorely tempted to see what else the _Oomans_ had up their sleeves, but we had orders. I turned on my heel, telling Dho'mago'te that we couldn't stay, that we had already disobeyed direct orders from our superiors. If he hadn't been wearing his mask, I'm sure I would have seen him frowning in disappointment_._

"But, Tvrtkooo… There are LOTS of good opponents here. And nobody is OFFICIALLY assigned to THIS part of the cold zone… We're not poaching any trophies! Can't we stay, just for a little bit? A few days, then we'll go! Nobody needs to know we took a side trip."

I pondered this. It was true, I wanted to follow the _Ooman_ warriors just as badly as Dho'mago'te did. And no one would miss us for a few days more. But, I was concerned about disobeying. I was already watched carefully, I wasn't sure I wanted to risk further scrutiny.

I was distracted by my partner making a gleeful howl as the _Oomans_ lit off a light, lighting the darkening sky with green sparks, creating a signal of some kind. As the prey continued on their journey, oblivious to us, Dho'mago'te looked at me, then back to the swiftly disappearing _Oomans_, before taking off at a brisk jog after them, activating his cloaking device and vanishing into the dusk.

I considered yelling after him, telling him that we had to go, but I just sighed and took off after him. Dho'mago'te was not known for following orders to the letter, particularly when his curiosity had been aroused. Starting up my own shield, I wondered to myself if this stop would be worth the potential harm.


	2. Meeting the Preds

Author Note: Well, due to such an enthusiastic response on part of the reviewers to the first one shot, we have decided to bless you all with another one! Thanks to our 2 reviewers, Clear as Mud and anonymous for being supportive!

Also, just for the record, when this collection reaches 20 reviews, we are going to have a special contest! We are going to randomly stick a Yautja emoticon into the section breaks. Whoever finds it AND messages us about it first will receive their own one shot of whatever they like within Pred-verse. Look forward to it!

This one shot is probably going to be a bit more serious than the previous one and have more graphic violence, as well as foul language. If you are not comfortable with this, you should NOT be reading AvP fanfics. That is all. Also, not all of the one shots will be following each other as this one follows the other. We just liked it too much not to do it.

Disclaimer: We do not own Aliens or Predators, no matter how dearly we want to. We make no money from this. If we did, we would do nothing else.

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Meeting the Preds

The two women were driving silently now, as quiet as a moving vehicle can be. The two were tense, keeping a close eye on the sky. So far, they had not seen a responding flare to their green one. The others had said to shoot off the green flare if their part of the plan succeeded, red if it failed. The other mercenary team should have been a white flare as acknowledgment, letting the two know they were still alive. But there had been nothing.

"Genevieve. I don't like this. They haven't responded. We should just go back to the town and not bother with the others. It's not worth our lives to go and see what happened."

Evie nodded, still scanning the sky. "Yes. But if THEY are gone, the town is probably fucked too."

The two started as the two way radio kicked in, spouting static first, then a voice.

"Herrings! Come in! Are you there? Over."

Evie leaned over to grab the hand set and sent a response. "This is Red Herring two, Alpha Chatter. What's your situation? We haven't spotted your flare. Over."

"We've hit a small SNAFU, Herring two. Over."

"Oh, god, you WOULD rhyme. What have you idiots done now? Over."

"We didn't do anything! You gals missed about half the horde. Over."

Marie rolled her eyes, giving The Finger towards the radio set. Evie giggled before responding. "Herring one does NOT approve of what you are implying, Chatter. What can we do? Over."

There was a pause before a different voice came over the conduit. "Enough flirting, you dimwits. This is Alpha Boss and we need back up. Yesterday. Over."

"What you need, Bossman? Over."

"My team has been pinned, backs to Bobbie's Cliff, by the rest of the Xenos. Team Beta won't respond and Team Theta is fighting towards us a few miles to the south west. What's your position? Over."

Marie glanced up at the automatic direction finder, common in vehicles before people abandoned them. She poked Evie, pointing at the glowing symbols. Evie nodded, turning back to the radio.

"We are to your south east, Bossman. Heading north west. Over."

"All right. You and Team Theta can come in as a pincer movement, try to break us out of this hole. We've got enough ammo to last an hour or two, so hurry your asses up. Over." Just before contact broke, a shriek came through, making the two women jump.

"What the HELL was that? Over!"

"Oh, nothing much. The fuckers are climbing down the cliff. Over."

Marie slammed on the brakes, and whipped to face her passenger, pointing at the radio and shrieking. "EVIL SPIDERS! I told you! EVIL! SPIDERS!"

Evie took this outburst in stride, snorting at Marie before calmly returning contact. "We're on our way, Bossman. Red Herrings out. Over."

Evie placed the hand set back in its cradle, giving another look at her almost hyperventilating driver. Stroking Marie's hair, Evie did her best to sooth her frazzled partner. "Ssshhh… Caaalm, Marie… Take deep breaths. Iiin. Oouut. Iin. Oout. Now let's go already!"

Marie started from her relaxed state, before shooting a wicked glare at Evie's smirking face, before putting the pedal to metal, purposefully pulling a quick donut. Evie clutched one hand on the safety bar on the roof, the other to her already roiling stomach. Marie cackled, sending them screeching into the night.

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They were nearing their attack position. Evie had been prepping her gear, as well as Marie's, ensuring everything was in place for an encounter. Marie was gripping the wheel, knuckles white, hunched over in an attempt to better see into the surrounding gloom. Evie noticed her friend's frightened countenance, and reached out in an attempt to calm her once more.

"Marie. It's all right. We're ready for those things when they come. We've run missions like this before. We're not dead yet. It's gonna be fine."

Marie spared a quick, spiteful glance in Evie's direction, teeth bared in a snarl. "I. HATE. Being out at night. Those spiders could be ANYWHERE and we will NEVER see them coming."

Evie opened her mouth, ready to give her soothing response, when a flash of movement was caught in the glow of the red filtered headlights. Squinting ahead, Evie's eyes widened.

"MARIE! VELOCIRAPTOR ATTACK!"

Marie's immediate response was to hit the brakes, throw the van in reverse, and take off backwards. Several Xenomorphs charged from directly in front of them, others joining from the sides. The girls were used to this attack formation. It involved a cluster acting as a decoy in front of a vehicle or group, while two other parties attacked from the sides as the humans stalled to avoid the decoy. The only sure fire method the two knew of that worked against this was to drive backwards as quickly as possible and fire towards the front.

The sunroof of the van pulled back and Evie put her upper body through it, firing with her M-16 at the swiftly grouping beasts. Cursing, she ducked back into the van. "We don't have the time to pick them off. There's the usual thirty or so of them. I'm going for the grenades."

Marie, busy making sure she didn't crash into anything, snorted. "So, you want to draw MORE of them here? Brilliant plan, Einstien. Any other smashing ideas?"

Evie was preoccupied putting the under mounted grenade launcher to her weapon. "Why, yes. I have many fabulous ideas. I'll share them with you at another time. For now, I have shit to blow up. Kisses!"

Evie surged up through the roof once more, lobbing a few grenades at the sides of the group, forcing them into a closer cluster. Taking aim with the grenade launcher, she pulled the trigger, sending the explosive device directly into the center of the mob of screaming aliens.

The Xenomorphs that didn't get caught in the blast quickly scattered, leaving room for Marie to take the van back into drive and break the dangerous line facing them. Marie shot past the recovering monsters, but one was fast enough to punch its front claws through the side of the van. Marie screamed in dismay, wailing about the holes in her baby and how much she would have to trade to get it fixed.

Evie had leaned out the passenger side window, beating at the snarling creature with the butt of her rifle. "Get off, get off, GET OFF YOU STUPID BUGGER!"

When this tactic failed fantastically, the Xenomorph unlatched one of its appendages in an attempt to grab at the woman beating its head. Evie squealed, ducking into the back of the van, trying to unhook the rest of the claws still stuck through the van.

The alien almost had one limb through the passenger window, when its torso was introduced, painfully, to a large cement pylon gracing the entry way to a bridge. With the screeching of metal, the unbalanced creature fell away, taking a decent chunk of the side door with it as it fell down the cliff face.

Marie's eyes widened, almost to tears, mouth gaping at the wreckage of one of the two side doors. Opening and closing her mouth, nothing came out but a very small squeak. Evie clambered back to her seat, clicking the seat belt into place. Marie slowly turned her head and the floodgates were opened.

"MY CAR! LOOK WHAT YOU'VE LET THAT GODDAMNED MOTHER FUCKING SON OF A WHORING SPIDER DO TO MY CAR! HOW COULD YOU? I THOUGHT YOU LOVED MEEEE! GOOOONEEERS! MY BAAABYY!"

Evie covered her ears in the face of such a vocal onslaught, wincing at the pitch of her friend's voice. It was only when she realized Marie was shaking her with BOTH hands that she started screaming back.

"THE WHEEL! YOU IDIOT! YOU'RE NOT DRIVING THE DAMN CAR! PUT YOUR HANDS ON THE WHEEL! OR WE'LL CRASH AND GONERS WILL REALLY BE A GONER!"

Marie snapped out of her rabid state of fury, redirecting the vehicle back to the center of the causeway. Evie caught her breath, sighing in relief that they hadn't followed the alien into the canyon. Marie sat hunched behind the wheel once more, sniffling, holding back tears at the damage to her beloved minivan. Evie rolled her eyes at the driver's theatrics.

"Marie. I did the best I could. It wasn't my fault."

Her response was greeted with more sniffles and hiccups. She sighed in irritation.

"Look, next time why don't I drive and YOU can beat the stupid thing off the side of the car, okay?"

Marie shot her a sullen look, eyes rimmed red. "You don't have a license."

Evie was speechless for a moment, before throwing her hands up in frustration. "Like that even matters anymore! There are no cops to check if you have one or not!"

"It matters to ME. And to GONERS. Goners doesn't LIKE being driven by amateurs."

Evie huffed and turned her back to Marie as best she could, gazing out her window, pouting at how ridiculous her partner could be. The car continued traveling towards its intended destination in silence, both women ignoring each other. Evie allowed her gaze to wander, before catching sight of movement further down the path.

"Marie! Stop the car!"

Marie slammed on the breaks, whipping up her gun, thinking it was an attack. Evie grabbed her gun and launched herself out the door, slipping and sliding down the hillside towards something only she could see. Marie began to panic, climbing out after her partner, but standing close to her van.

"EVIE! Where are you going? Don't leave me!"

Evie felt a twinge of guilt at the terror stricken face peering down the hill after her, and called back a response. "I see a kid down there! It looks like it's being attacked! I have to go after it! Maybe I can save it in time!"

Marie clutched her weapon tighter, inching closer to the edge to keep Evie's diminishing form in sight. "But, it'll probably be dead by the time you get there! Let's just leave! Evie! Please! Don't go!"

Evie waved back dismissively and continued into the tree line, vanishing from Marie's sight. Marie crouched down, holding back a whimper, continuing to call after the other woman. When no response came, she stood and paced, looking from her car to the path Evie had taken, and back. Wiping her eyes, she grabbed a few more knives and ammo rounds from the van before driving it into the tree line, rolling up the windows and locking the doors.

After ensuring the security and secrecy of her beloved vehicle to the best of her abilities, she took off at a slow run to catch up to her friend.

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Evie moved on quickly through the dense foliage, occasionally stopping to listen for the screams of the Xenomorphs, pursuing the child's pursuers. Following a clearly broken trail, she started as a different shriek broke through the night. It was the cry of a child in pain. It only took her a moment to pin point its direction before sprinting off at top speed, gun at the ready, fury building in her gut.

She broke into a clearing, interrupting a lone Xenomorph from its meal. Evie swallowed the bile rising in her throat, dismay filling her soul. The creature crouched, preparing to do battle with her, and she forced herself to forget about the small body lying in a pool of its own blood and intestines.

Evie swung her gun up, ready to duck and fire when the inevitable lunge came, but just as her finger began to pull the trigger, three hundred odd pounds of pure muscle and killing rage slammed into her back.

Evie crashed forward, face eating dirt and grass. She heard the second Xenomorph tearing at her backpack, jerked about by its attempts to get at her flesh. She slammed into the ground again, turning her head to avoid breaking her nose. She was grateful that so far she had gotten to avoid a faceful of blood and guts, but the alien would get through the backpack soon and she didn't know where her cavalry was.

As the alien lifted her once more, she felt its claws grazing her back. She squeezed her eyes shut, grappling for the knife in her boot, wishing she hadn't been so hasty to leave Marie behind. As loopy as she could get, Marie would NEVER have let anything sneak up on her.

As she finally got a hand on her knife, the weight was torn from her, tossing Evie about, making her more disoriented than she already was from all the head trauma. She tried lifting herself up, dizzy, cursing how easily she got motion sickness. As the world came back into focus, she found herself lying right in front of the partially dismembered arm of the child she'd attempted to rescue. It was an awful, bloody mess, a few fingers missing from the tiny hand. The splattered Xeno blood was still eating its way through the dead flesh, sizzling as it went.

As she swallowed her horror, she heard thuds and explosions from around her. She pushed herself up with shaky arms, muttering curses. "The goddamned velociraptor attack got me this time. Those rat bastards!"

The muttered curses were broken off when a third Xenomorph began charging her from the tree line. Evie scrambled for her shotgun, which had fallen from her pack, reaching it just in time to get off a shot at the leaping beast, rolling aside to avoid most of the acid splatter. As fast as she rolled, she still managed to get some of the blood on her left pant leg.

Grabbing her knife once more, she shredded the bottom of her pant leg away, but not in time to avoid some of the acid eating into her flesh and muscle, adding to her already impressive collection of acid burns. She hissed in pain, forcing herself to stand and ready her weapon once more.

Turning to locate her savior, she began scolding. "You crazy wench! What was with those explosions? It was a little too close for comfort! And YOU were the one yelling at me for using the grenades earlier, and here you are using them yourself, you hypocrite!"

She finally caught sight of her rescuer and her mouth went dry.

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Marie tripped over a rock, not for the first time, and tumbled down the rest of the hill. She finally stopped and regained her breath before spitting out a string of curses that would better suit a sailor. She stood and started shaking her fist up the hill, towards where she assumed the offending clump of mineral was.

"You mother fucking son of a rat bastard whore! I hope you die! Die and melt away into the core of the Earth! A pox upon the tongue of your first born!"

She stood there huffing for a few seconds, enraged and scared and desperately wanting to run back up the gorram hill and hide in the car. But she took a few calming breaths, reminding herself that loud people did not live long. Not at night. Not anymore. A small sound came from behind her and above.

She whirled, bringing up her currently favored sawed off shotgun, blasting the pouncing fiend a yard or so backwards, causing some decent damage. Marie jumped backwards, just to gain some extra distance from the wounded evil spider and its awful blood.

Keeping her weapon raised, she watched it trying to stand, a grin creeping across her face, reveling in the knowledge that she had brought suffering upon it. She adjusted her aim, readying for a kill shot, when another of them bounded over the flailing limbs and lashing tail of the injured spider.

Changing her target, she attempted to get off a kill shot at the charging danger, but she was too slow. It tackled her to the ground, double mouths wide, ready and willing to rip off her face. The barrel of her gun was jammed into its mouth, blocking both sets of teeth from tearing into her.

Gritting her teeth, she felt her arms beginning to shake. She knew her upper body strength wasn't enough to keep that thing from her forever, especially with the way it was now raking at her with its talons, tail stabbing into the ground centimeters from her head. She was mentally preparing herself for death, wondering if she really would see her life flashing before her eyes. She hoped not, because the vast majority of her life had been rather boring. And the rest unpleasant.

The spider pinning her reared back, freeing its mouths, preparing a new strike. Marie held the barrel of her gun, bashing the butt of the gun into the side of its head, knocking its head slightly to the left. This gave her enough time to pull off a backwards somersault, into a defensive crouch. She cursed as she realized her shotgun was ruined, bent in her hands.

As her current attacker began to renew its onslaught, the injured and forgotten beast tried to do the same, accidentally crossing paths with its brother. They fell in a tangle of limbs as Marie pulled her G36 mid range rifle from its sling, firing a few armor piercing rounds into the pile of spider limbs.

A pained yowl emerged from the black bodies, and only one of the aliens rose. Scanning the remaining one quickly, she deduced that the one still breathing was the second attacker, due to the lack of a shotgun hole in its chest.

The two began circling each other slowly. The black creature was wary now, favoring its right hind leg. Marie was pleased that she'd managed to slow it down some. It gave her a better chance of surviving.

Her opponent grew impatient, just as she wanted. Impatient and hasty enemies easily became dead ones. It made a swipe at her, but it was unbalanced and slow, giving her plenty of time to avoid the down strike and place a few bullets in its torso.

It pulled back again, hissing and screeching its rage at her. The circling dance began again, each looking for a break in the others defenses. A sudden burst of close range fire and explosions caused Marie to snap her head in the general direction of the uproar that had gained in intensity.

The alien saw its chance and started forward towards her, bringing Marie back to her own battle. She stepped back, but not enough to avoid deep gashes in her left arm. Howling in pain, she pulled the trigger of her weapon, forgetting how close her enemy really was.

The shots tore through its armor at such close range, knocking it backwards, and splashing her shirt with blood. Squealing in panic, Marie dropped the gun, pulling one of her many knives from her belt, shredding the sizzling fabric of her swiftly deteriorating outer and under shirts.

Clad only in a men's deigo, Marie snatched up her gun again, remembering the evil spider she had been battling. It lay on the ground a few feet away, motionless. Her ruined shotgun lay near it and she inched forward, intent on the scrap metal and wood the gun offered.

Unfortunately, her apparently vanquished foe was NOT quite dead yet. It tried to stand, its front legs quivering, strangled noises and pants escaping from its opened jaws. Blood poured from its wounds, forming a larger and larger puddle around it.

Marie watched her dying adversary as it bled out, killing the plants caught in the path of the oozing acid. It finally collapsed, giving a final, weak hiss, before laying still once more. Her grin returned, twisted glee sharpening the contours of her face. She turned towards the useless gun once more, only to find that it, too, had been caught in the green seepage.

"YOU BASTARD! You couldn't kill me, so you ruin my gun? It couldn't do anything anyway! Good god, why does this ALWAYS happen to me? This is an AWFUL day. I NEVER should have let Evie talk me into this STUPID assignment!"

She turned from the battle field, storming towards the direction she'd heard shots from before. She moved on, muttering angry thoughts out loud, selectively forgetting the fate of loud people. She stopped long enough to hear new thuds and screams from the same general direction that she was heading in.

Marie took off again, fury resurfacing. "This would be an EASY job, she said. No trouble at ALL, she said. What a load of crap! These things NEVER go right! Stupid townies! Stupid mercs! I KNEW they'd get into trouble! And I bet the townies are going to pay us in cattle feed! Those idiots don't seem to realize that cattle feed is NOT the same as the corn we eat!"

She stopped her venom filled rant when she came into a clearing and ended up in another battle ground. Five spider corpses littered the space, surrounding a kneeling figure. He was broad, with dreadlocks pulled into a ponytail. She was amused to see him wearing fishnets, but to each their own.

He was doing something with one of the bodies that she couldn't quite see. There was a sickening squelching noise and he held the skull of a spider in his hand. She gaped at the feat, astounded that anyone could manage to do that.

He stood and Marie's eyes grew wider. Even from across the clearing it was plain that he was NOT of average height.

"Holy CRAP, dude! Did you eat a lot of Wheaties growing up? Drink your milk? DAMN!"

He turned on his heel, dropping the head, pulling a large and strangely shaped hammer from his back. Marie stepped back nervously, realizing something was terribly amiss. Her arms began flailing wildly as she rambled.

"So, uh, yeah. You are SO not what I thought you were. So, um, I'm gonna, you know, go this way, right? You just, like, chill here and do… Whatever it is you're doing. Looks like tons of fun. I would hate to ruin the moment for you. Yeah. Okay. So. Bye!"

She attempted to beat a hasty retreat when he charged forward, weapon above his head, roaring something she couldn't even begin to understand. Startled, she reverted to base instinct and let loose with her rifle. Most of the shots went wild, striking trees and already dead creatures. A single shot pinged off of his face armor and he stopped for a moment.

Attempting to take advantage of this opening, Marie pulled the trigger again, only to hear an ominous click. Staring in horror at the useless hunk of metal in her arms, she missed his renewed advance until it was too late.

She screamed as he grabbed her injured left arm, hauling her from her appropriate place on the ground. Pain shot through her and she struggled to get away. He didn't seem to be killing her at the moment, which was good, but she wondered if that wouldn't be preferable to the pain she was in.

He seemed to be staring at her gun, turning it this way and that, taking her along with it, jostling her arm around more. Marie's temper and patience had long ago hit its limits and she decided to forget about self preservation.

"HEY! ASSHOLE! LEMME GO! OR I AM GONNA SLAP A HO!"

Whether it was because of her sudden noisy outburst, or because he understood the connotations of being called a ho, he pulled her up further, examining her at his eye level instead.

Marie panted, in rage, pain, and exhaustion. She watched as he tilted his head, obviously studying her. His head moved lower, stopping right about her chest level. It was at this point that she recalled she was wearing a very thin, poorly cut shirt that exposed her bra.

She became incensed once more as she realized that he was, most likely, ogling her boobs. Using this distraction, she swung her free right arm, giving him a back handed slap with brass knuckles adding to the force of her bitch slap.

Her powerful slap only served to knock his face mask askew, but it was enough of a hindrance that he dropped her. She landed with a painful thud on her ass, yelping at the impact.

Ignoring the pain, she stood as quickly as her bruised backside would allow, grabbed her gun, and took off like a bat out of hell, screaming like a banshee.

"EVIE! IF YOU'RE OUT HERE, YOU BETTER GET YOUR ASS TO THE VAN! I AM OUTTA HERE! THIS IS THE WORST. DAY. **EVER**!

!#$(%*_&#$$$^!+!#$%)*(!$&T!_#$!%&{}L"L{

Evie stood stock still, staring at the walking ad for steroids in front of her. He surveyed the clearing, before settling his gaze on her. She shuddered under the impersonal perusal of her person.

Taking in his black armor and dark skin, she wondered if he was a new mutation of the Xenomorphs, or one she'd never seen before. He was still gazing at her from behind his mask when she made an attempt to communicate.

"So. Um. Thanks for the save. And stuff. You seem pretty cool and all, but I'mma go now, kay?"

Apparently this brought him back around, because he flicked his wrists and blades popped out of the two wrist guards.

Taking this as a VERY BAD SIGN, she did what any reasonable person would do. She leveled her gun and fired off a rapid succession of bullets, back pedaling all the while.

One shot ricocheted from his chest armor, two thudded solidly into his gut, and the others flew wild. He charged forward, blades at the ready, as she prepared to pull the trigger another time. He reached her in time to knock the barrel of the gun down, away from his unprotected midsection, just as she pulled the trigger.

He roared in pain, reeling back, as Evie continued her desperate retreat. Her left leg throbbed painfully, oozing, and she was grateful to realize that her shot had done some good. His deflection had caused her to shoot him in the right ankle, the bullet going through.

Deciding now was as good a time as any, she proceeded to limp away as fast as her gimpy leg allowed her to. "Race of the cripples! Aaand it's Evie in the lead! MAAAARIIIEEE! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN I NEED YOU, YOU LUNATIC?"

Getting no response, save the sounds of her pursuer, she attempted to increase her pace, following her path back towards the hill and, hopefully, the van.

She thought she had been doing fairly well, until she noticed three red dots moving along a tree in front of her, near her head height.

"SHIT! Duck and cover! DUCK AND COVER!"

Taking her own advice, she threw herself to the ground and army crawled as a blue light flashed directly over head, before obliterating a tree in front of her. Taking the chance to stand, she used the wisps of smoke as minimal cover to break into her best imitation of a sprint.

Behind her she heard another explosion, followed closely by a roar that was deeper than that of her pursuer, and distinctly NOT the shriek of a Xeno.

Miraculously, she hadn't gotten lost and struggled quickly up the hill to the waiting van, its rear doors open. Marie leaned out the driver's window, screaming at her. "HURRY UP! TWO OF THE FREAKS ARE AFTER YOU!"

Evie dove for the closing doors as Marie hit the gas, putting her lead foot to good use. Relieved that she had made it in time, Evie turned just in time to see a shiny blur heading straight for her.

She threw up her gun, her only defense, and felt a thud that pushed her back and knocked the weapon against her head. The doors finished shutting and she lowered the weapon to her lap, rubbing the growing lump on her forehead.

"I have taken WAY too many hits to the head today…" She trailed off as she looked down at what was embedded through the barrel of her gun. It was an enormous shuriken, or something like it.

Shock filled her as she gaze at the huge blades that had, through pure dumb luck, missed her. Horrified at realizing how close she had come to an ugly death, Evie crawled into the front, shoving the gun into Marie's face. Marie tried to shove it away, snarling. "EVIE! I am TRYING TO DRIVE and get us AWAY, a LONG LONG WAY away from those Miracle-Gro chugging mutants!"

Evie began sobbing. "Bu-bu-but! Big! Shiny! Blade in gun! Almost in FACE!"

Marie slowed her mad pace, extremely worried. SHE was the one that snapped, NOT Evie. Marie's eyes widened for what seemed the millionth time in an hour at the weapon lodged halfway into the barrel of a gun.

"WHAT THE HELL? WHAT THE FUCKING HELL?"

!#$)(*%&#_$%)(*&#$+!(&#$)({}:"L}K{+)(#!#(%*!#$_)%L!P#?}{

The two Yautja slowed as the _Ooman_ vehicle, the one they had ignored orders for, vanished into the distance.

With a snarl, the smaller, dark skinned one sat, pulling out a med kit and tended to his ankle. The other knelt next to him, head cocked to the side.

"Tvrtko? Are you well?"

His only answer was another snarl that was not very complimentary to the fathers of the _Oomans_ they had been following.

Shrugging at the response, Dho'mago'te stood, gazing in the direction of the long gone vehicle.

Tvrtko roared, feeling his ankle and stomach working to fix themselves. When the pain subsided, he stood, having to look up at his hunting partner.

They stood together in silence for minutes more, before Tvrtko decided to speak. Dho'mago'te had been quiet for far too long. It was unnatural.

"What's wrong with you, Dho'mago'te?"

The reddish Yautja sighed, mandibles clacking audibly under his mask. "Did you get to meet one of the _Oomans_? **I** did… A rather fascinating female. I think she dented my mask. Following them was a great idea, wasn't it?"

Tvrtko glowered up at his possibly swooning companion. "The one I met shot me. Several times. Once in the ankle. And then she beat me in a race, though she was injured as well. No thanks to YOUR help."

Dho'mago'te finally tore his gaze from the road to bellow his ire at the other. "You SHOT at me! What did you EXPECT me to do? THANK you?"

Tvrtko bristled, shaking his hair. "I was TRYING to hit the _Ooman_! It isn't MY fault you got in the way of a perfectly good shot!"

"She was lying on the ground, _L'ulij-bpe_! Your shot was nowhere near her!"

"_Ell-osde' pauk!_"

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Translation for the terms you probably DON'T know:

=_Ell-osde' pauk!_ : Fuck you!

=_ L'ulij-bpe_! : Mad/Crazy person


	3. Boys Will Be Boys

Author's Note: So, we've been having way too much seriousness going on up in here. Because of this, we have decided to lighten the mood with some short, hopefully hilarious, one shots. These are going to be completely ridiculous and undoubtedly NOT CANNON. Just a warning.

This one shot is going to be all Pred! All Pred, all the time! Because we know that THEY are what you REALLY came to read about. So please enjoy this bout of silly interaction! Because, no matter what species, young males will be young males. Meaning idiots. But we love them anyway!

Disclaimer: Still the same. We own nothing. We make no money from this. All we own are the two human idiots that occasionally appear.

#$*$&!_#)*(%&+!#$_(T%&!#($*!+#)}^$"#$)(%!&#$)(~%+!

Boys will be Boys

Tvrtko gazed out across the flat expanse of plain, finally spotting a small cloud of dust moving quickly towards the hills. Nodding to himself, he jumped down from his perch in a large tree, hitting the ground with a distinct thud.

He strode back into the wooded area, hoping that Dho'mago'te had managed to get their gear together by now. If that cloud WAS the _Ooman _vehicle they had been searching for, they would need to move quickly to keep it in range.

He returned to their camp within a few minutes and he spotted his partner staring up into the sky. Tvrtko shook his head at the larger Yautja, before turning to his own small pack. For some reason, Dho'mago'te had taken to imagining recognizable shapes in the white patches of precipitation in the atmosphere.

Tvrtko went about his business, ensuring that there were no left over signs of their stay in the clearing, hearing his comrade moving about and snickering. The laughter went on for a few more minutes before Tvrtko bothered to look up, wondering what Dho'mago'te had seen in the clouds THIS time. He stood, turning to locate the _Hulij-bpe_ Warrior.

Tvrtko came face to face with the bottom of Dho'mago'te's chest armor. Tilting his head back, Tvrtko had to look up a full foot higher than usual to glimpse his ally's mask. Dho'mago'te laughed again, perched upon a rock, amused that Tvrtko had finally spotted his trick.

Tvrtko glowered behind his mask, took a deep breath, and proceeded to punch Dho'mago'te right in his stomach.

The taller one tumbled off the slab, clutching his gut, hitting the ground loudly. Tvrtko turned on his heel, grabbed his things, and left, heading in the direction he'd last seen the dust cloud in. He stormed off angrily in a huff. He did NOT like the subject of his height being brought up.

Dho'mago'te clambered to his feet, grabbing his own gear, and charged after the swiftly retreating back of his irate companion. "But, Tvrtko! I thought it was funny!"

#$*%*(#&+$Q_$$$${#${%%!#$+!($*^+}_!#)!#_^(*!#}{

Terms you may NOT know:

=_ Hulij-bpe_ : Crazy


	4. Where Oh Where Can They Be?

Author's Note: Yes, this is another short, silly one shot. We like those. We hope you like it too!

This shot takes place shortly after an event that may or may not become a one shot. Though these events WILL be in our "official" story later. The general back story is that Evie and Marie had been traveling with the last of a partner mercenary group. The two girls and one soldier managed to escape and traveled together for a short time. The soldier was, sadly, a total idiot and got himself attacked. The women, caring about self preservation, fled, leaving the man to die. This is while the two of them fleeing. This silliness will NOT take place in the "official" story, but we liked it too much not to write it.

Disclaimer: We wish.

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Where oh Where Can They Be?

Marie was having yet another bad day. First the fool "leader" went and got himself attacked by an evil spider, even though she and Evie had BOTH said to not try using the radio yet. The noise would attract the evil beasties, but did that stop him? Nooo…

So he gets attacked, she and Evie run, and now Evie was missing! They'd fled, but had lost each other in their frantic attempt to escape before more spiders came. And to top it all off, she had lost her glasses. Her GLASSES!

"I neeeed those things! I am blind as a bat without them! Instead of legally blonde, I'm legally BLIND!"

Marie stumbled about the clearing, hoping to spot the tell tale shine of the lenses or the bright color of the duct tape holding her frames together. Alas, she had no luck.

Grumbling, she got on her hands and knees, feeling about in front of her, continuing her search crawling. She was so deeply focused on this hunt, that she failed to notice she now had company.

Shuffling about, her hands ran across something that was NOT dirt or grass. Or, for that matter, her glasses. Squinting, she leaned forward until her eyes were centimeters away from the strange object.

"It's a foot! And man, does it need a pedicure!"

She sat back on her heels, hoping that there was a body attached to said foot, she locked gazes with… Well, she couldn't tell. But it was alive and humanoid. She wasn't picky. She thought it was a he, since it was so large, and HE seemed to be curious, since he was leaning over her. Smiling, she stood. "Excuse me, good sir. Are you perhaps a gentleman?"

Her query was met with silence and she thought she saw his head tilt to one side.

"Your silence is answer enough! Fabulous! Do you suppose you could help me? I've lost my glasses and can't see well enough to find them again. I'm certain they are in this vicinity."

She began gesturing about her face, attempting to get across EXACTLY what her glasses looked like. Anyone else's simply wouldn't do. "They're about yea big, VERY thick, cracked lenses, tye dye duct tape around one side of the frames. That stupid side was about to fall off, you know. And it's not like I can just go and order a new pair. Anyway, do you see them anywhere?"

She stared at him hopefully as he seemed to survey the clearing. Her face fell as he turned back to her, tilting his head to the other side, still silent. Her shoulders slumped, tears welling in her eyes. Blinking back the salty liquid, she forced another smile. "Well, it's all right. I'm sure I'll find them somewhere. And if you happen to spot them, won't you bring them to me? I really can't do anything without them… Negative 14 vision and all. Well, I'll let you be off, then. Ta ta!"

Marie turned away from the huge man, walking back to the center of the clearing. She didn't quite make it as her foot dropped into a small dip in the ground she had been unable to see, tripping her and sending her into a face plant.

She rolled over, sitting up and checking her ankle, sniffling and wiping away a few tears that had managed to sneak loose. The sunlight was blocked and she looked up once again into what she thought was the face of the man she had been talking to.

"What is it?" she asked, sullen and upset at the day so far. She blinked in surprise, startled when a hand appeared in front of her face, holding something in its palm.

"MY GLASSES! You found them! Oh, you're wonderful! You're fabulous! Thank you, thank you, thank you!" She snatched them from the out stretched hand, quickly putting them back to their rightful spot on the bridge of her nose. She checked for any new damage she would need to fix, then glanced up to thank her savior again.

Her jaw dropped as she stared, face to mask, with the humongous thing that she had fled from not too long ago. It quirked its head to the right, dreadlocks swishing. She took him in, finally getting a clear look at the man she'd faced, distracting herself from her current plight.

He was tall, but she had known that already. She just hadn't realized how HUGE he was. Easily at least twice as broad as she, and she wasn't exactly petite! He was a good head or two taller than her as well, and his skin was strangely colored. It reminded her of old terra cotta, faded reddish brown, and this skin contrasted with the armor he was wearing.

His head tilted again, suddenly getting closer to her face. She jumped at the sudden invasion of her personal triangular prism and she lashed out in a blind panic, stabbing the man in his upper arm with one of her many hidden knives. He seemed to start, pulling back enough that she turned, scrambled up, and fled into the woods.

As she ran to where she had left the van, Marie desperately hoped Evie had already found her way there. Realization suddenly dawned and she stopped, only for the barest of moments, before taking off again, running even faster. "THOSE WEREN'T DREADLOCKS!"

#*!%&!#$%!+#_$}%{!#":!%&R*!#$%!#_}

Dho'mago'te stood, once again staring after where the little _Ooman_ had fled. He turned his gaze to his left arm and the small blade protruding from it. He pulled the tiny knife from his skin, watching some of his blood escape the wound and flow down his arm.

Tvrtko stepped up beside him, looking at the wound, then back up at him. "Why did you let her escape? What was she doing anyway?"

The larger one gave a small shrug. "I think she had been looking for that shiny object I gave her. Perhaps she is very fond of shiny things? I shall keep this in mind."

It was Tvrtko's turn to cock his head to one side. "Why?"

Dho'mago'te smiled behind his mask. "Because she stabs well and amuses me. Perhaps if I gift her with enough shiny things, she will stay longer."

The dark skinned Warrior shook his head. If he didn't know better, he would SWEAR that his companion was considering wooing an _Ooman_. But that was ridiculous. Who would ever risk becoming a Bad Blood for the sake of prey?

Dho'mago'te gave a small gasp, staring down at the dagger in his hand. Tvrtko gave him a worried look. Perhaps Dho'mago'te's injury was worse than he had thought.

Tvrtko's companion gazed at him in mild horror. "What if she NEEDS this to stab other things? We must return it to her!"

Dho'mago'te charged off into the trees, following the _Ooman_ woman's scent. Tvrtko just stared after his comrade, before doing what all exasperated people do. He face palmed.


	5. Getting Frisky!

Author's Note: We're depressed from our first chapter in our serious story, so we needed some silliness to make ourselves feel better. So, please enjoy this absolute ridiculousness. :D

Read and review! 3

Disclaimer: *Checks bank accounts* Nope. Still not making money.

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Getting Frisky!

Dho'mago'te was insane. That could be the only possible reason he was chasing after an _Ooman_. At least, that was the only reason that Tvrtko could think of. While it was true that they HAD followed the females to study them, this was going into the realm of the ridiculous. This wasn't studying. This was FRATERNIZING. What would the Elders say?

The two Yautja had been running after the _Ooman_ vehicle for some time. Tvrtko was ready to tell Dho'mago'te it was time to stop, when they heard a crashing noise from around the turn that the females had just taken.

The warriors slowed their pace into a jog and came around the bend. Dho'mago'te gasped, dismayed at the sight of the smoking vehicle. As they came closer, they noticed the fallen tree trunk that the _Oomans_ had run into. Tvrtko was hopeful. Perhaps this would be the end of this farce and he and Dho'mago'te could be on their way.

His larger partner gazed down at him. "Do you suppose they are well?"

His question was answered when the driver's door swung open and the shorter of the two females, and the one that Dho'mago'te had been so insistent on following, hopped out. She began pacing about the front of the transportation device, clearly very irate, and speaking to herself. The ugly little thing stopped, whipping her head up towards them, then let out a horrific yowl and charged them.

Dho'mago'te smiled behind his mask. "Wonderful! She IS well! Now I may return her knife."

Tvrtko shook his head, and then noticed the other _Ooman _poking her head out of her door. He growled, recalling how she had shot him, SEVERAL times. He desperately wanted her head for a trophy. But, that wasn't allowed this hunt. Another time, he would return for her. In the meantime, she had to be incapacitated, lest she shoot him again. Which was highly likely, given that her burner was pointed directly at his torso.

The dark one cloaked himself, disappearing from sight, treading towards his opponent. She was gazing about, clearly trying to find him. He stepped behind her, noticing with surprise at just how tiny she was. He reached out, yanking her burner away. Startled, she whirled about, and he grabbed both of her wrists, holding them together high above her head. He held them easily in one hand and he lifted her flailing body off the ground, walking back towards Dho'mago'te.

Tvrtko continued observing the small _Ooman_ in his clutches. She was still struggling, and he thought she may have been trying to bite him. He looked up when he heard the clink of metal on metal. Tvrtko almost dropped his catch in surprise.

Dho'mago'te was holding the other female by one arm, keeping her face near his. The reason for Tvrtko's surprise was that Dho'mago'te appeared to be running his hands along the _Ooman'_s body. He gaped in horror, dropping his adversary to approach his partner. "Dho'mago'te… WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

The red warrior didn't look up. Instead, he pulled his free hand away, holding a small blade. "Ah HA! I found another one! What were you saying, Tvrtko?"

Tvrtko followed the knife as it fell onto a pile of bladed weapons. Tvrtko was about to answer, when Dho'mago'te's female pulled yet another knife from… Somewhere. And proceeded to stab Dho'mago'te in his right arm. Tvrtko blinked behind his mask at the numerous small wounds decorating that specific arm. The _Ooman_ his partner held pulled the blade back, and proceeded to stab again. Before she could repeat the process a third time, Dho'mago'te plucked the blade from her grasp and added it to the pile.

Tvrtko started when the other female, the one he had dropped, appeared next to him. To his surprise, she didn't attempt to shoot him or to aid her companion. She simply watched the spectacle happening in front of them. A strange noise erupted from her and she bent over, clutching her gut. He quirked his head. She was LAUGHING.

The _Ooman_ in Dho'mago'te's possession turned her head, gazing at the one next to him, and began yattering in the strange language that _Ooman_s had. The one beside him began yelling back, clearly amused at her comrade's plight.

While the shouting had gone on, Dho'mago'te had pulled out several more knives. The pile on the ground had grown tall enough to reach the middle of the tall warrior's shin.

Tvrtko looked away from the insanity taking place in front of him, deciding to examine an _Ooman_ up close while he had the chance. She was pale and scarred. Her eyes appeared large in her small, strangely proportioned face. Her hair was short, even shorter than that of the very young Yautja. He reached out, wanting to test its weight and feel. It appeared so thin and frail, just like the creature it was on.

He hadn't expected it to be so soft. He tugged on it and looked at the few strands that had come out, wrapped in his fingers. He cocked his head to the side, gazing at the shiny bits in his grasp.

The female whirled about, yelling again in her tongue, before lunging away from him, towards Dho'mago'te and the other _Ooman_. Startling Dho'mago'te's prisoner, Tvrtko's escapee reached into the other female's lower clothing, pulling out a blade that she used to stab at him.

Dho'mago'te's face lit up. "I hadn't thought to check there! How clever! Isn't this _Ooman_ a smart one?"

Dho'mago'te's hand reached towards the lower part of the many weaponed female's body. She clearly did not approve of this course of action, as she began pulling more weapons out, stabbing frantically at the hand attempting to continue its quest to uncover her weapons.

Tvrtko had gotten control of his adversary once more, holding his wrist blade to her throat. She was grumbling angrily.

Dho'mago'te's female seemed to be getting more and more infuriated. She reached her breaking point when the large warrior's hand grasped at her rear, searching for further weapons. She let out a squeal of indignation at a pitch that could rival the shriek of an enraged _Kainde Amedha_ queen.

Her legs flailed wildly before wrapping around Dho'mago'te's waist and she began attacking the unprotected areas of his upper body. The Yautja started, surprised at the new onslaught, and accidentally let go of his grip on her wrist. She fell, hitting the ground hard, stunned for a moment. Finally she righted herself, and began shoving the blades from the pile away into wherever she had had them placed before.

Dho'mago'te quirked his head at her, intent on making sure he knew where each one belonged, to make the search easier next time. Tvrtko and the other female watched as the large pile of knives disappeared onto the small frame.

The shorter warrior jerked his head to the side, senses picking up on a large amount of _Kainde Amedha_ coming their direction. "Dho'mago'te. Perhaps we should let the _Ooman_s go for now. Enemies are approaching."

Dho'mago'te looked up from his study of the bladed female. "But, what if we lose them? It could take us a long time to find them again. And it will get too cold for us soon."

Tvrtko shook his head once more. Why Dho'mago'te was so insistent upon keeping track of these specific_ Oomans_ was beyond him. "We can just place a tracker upon their vehicle. They seem to never be without it."

The big warrior brightened and nodded his agreement. He returned his attention back to his female as she got to her feet.

Tvrtko released his former opponent and cloaked once more. He strode quickly to the transportation device, attaching a tracker to the underside. He turned back in time to observe a warming of relations.

Dho'mago'te offered forth the blade he had brought with him as the female pulled on her clothing. She gazed up in alarm, then suspicion at the proffered weapon. He pushed it towards her, handle first. She reached up, snatching it away quickly. She seemed prepared to stab his hand once more and Dho'mago'te visibly slumped in resignation.

But, she stopped, lowering her weapon. She looked up at the masked face of her former captor, before sliding the blade away and turning on her heel, tossing the two bundles of swishing hair on her head, stomping off.

The short haired female followed her comrade, stopping to pick up her weapon, before the two got into their damaged vehicle, maneuvered around the tree, and set off once more.

Tvrtko uncloaked as he approached his hunting partner. Dho'mago'te was patching up the plethora of small wounds upon his arms and torso. He paused in his work to glance at Tvrtko. "Well, that was fun!"

"It's fun being wounded by a tiny _Ooman_?" Tvrtko exclaimed, wondering when exactly his companion had finally gone completely crazy.

Dho'mago'te grinned, hiding his glee behind his mask. "Why yes, it is. I think I shall call that _Ooman_ female Dai'za'te. Many Knives. It suits her, doesn't it?"

Tvrtko was speechless for a moment, unable to do anything but stare. Then the smaller warrior took off toward the tree line, cloaking himself and yelling over his shoulder. "Don't NAME it!"

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Author's End Note: No, the names don't really mean anything. We made them up. ARTISTIC LICENSE!


	6. Arts and Crafts Predator Style!

Author's Note: We've decided that Tvrtko was not getting nearly enough love. So, we decided to make some love! Goo d times.

If you have reviewed, congratulations! We like you. 3 If you haven't, don't worry. We still like you. But no hearts for you.

We hope you like this next installment of the Minivan Escapades! Please read and review.

Disclaimer: Nope. Still own nothing.

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Arts and Crafts – Predator Style!

The minivan trundled along, kicking up a small cloud of dust as it went. The two occupants were relaxed, enjoying a cool breeze coming through the open windows. The trees whipped by as the women continued towards their intended destination.

Evie gazed out at the passing greenery, noticing that the leaves were changing color. The wind had been getting colder and colder and Evie was glad that they were almost back to Marv's. Turning her head, she looked over at the driver. "Hey, Marie. How far are we from the Fortress of Solitude? I'm ready for a real bed and a shower."

For once, Marie was also relaxed, holding the wheel with one hand, the other dangling out the window. Her face was without worry, her usual ticks and tremors gone in the afternoon sunlight. "Mm, I'd guess another day's worth of driving. Maybe half a day, depending on the roads. I think we have enough gas to get us through."

Evie nodded, settling back into the faux leather seat. Through her half lidded eyes, she saw a shape a little ways off. She sat up, shading her eyes. "Hey, I think there's a house over there. We should go check it out. There could be some useful things there."

Marie lost her relaxed attitude. "Evie, we don't know what's in there. There could be face rapers. We'd be better off just waiting for winter before coming out and taking a look."

The lanky woman pouted. "Oh, come ON. It won't take more than an hour. And we haven't seen any Xenos around here at all. It'll be fine."

Marie just continued frowning. "Just because we haven't seen them doesn't mean they aren't there."

Evie poked at her friend. "Pleeaase Marie? Just a quick look. They may have chocolate!"

Marie wavered. "But, we haven't seen chocolate in FOREVER."

"And we won't see it again if we don't look for it." Evie grinned, knowing she had won.

The bespectacled driver scowled, turning the wheel towards the house. "Fine. But only one hour! I'll be timing it!"

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The two women carefully opened the front door, keeping a sharp gaze out for any dangerous critters, including the Aliens. They searched each room on the ground floor for any enemies, before doing the same for the basement and upper floor. Finding no signs of anyone or anything, they returned to the main floor.

Evie began rummaging in the kitchen. "Hey, Marie! They've got some GREAT stuff! Look! Chef Boyardee! And some two liters! They've even got Cherry Pepsi. Score!"

Marie busied herself looking through the living room and office. "They've got some candles in here. Check the dining room when you're done, there may be some more there. And look for matches. I found some, but there may be more lying around."

She continued poking about, skimming over the book titles on the shelves. "Hey, they've got some DragonLance books! I haven't seen these in forever! It's even the original trilogy. Life is good."

Evie grinned, shaking her head at her partner's glee. She made another sweep of the kitchen, picking up a few food items she had missed initially, as well as some pots and pans for scrap metal. Going into the dining room, she easily found the candles as well as more matches. "Well, this stemware is very lovely, but glass doesn't exactly hold up well. I say no to you, wine glasses!"

She continued digging and found some metal candle holders and table cloths. Deciding these could be useful, she tucked them into the bag she'd scavenged to hold her finds.

Marie dug around in the office, squealing with glee as she found a Colt .45 revolver, still functioning and with plenty of ammo. She tucked it into the back of her pants, and finished her sweep.

The two met again in the living room. Marie smiled, holding up a large bag of goodies. "Christmas came early this year, didn't it?"

Evie nodded, grinning. "No doubt. Anyway, we've got to finish up quickly, so why don't I go upstairs and you check the basement? If either of us finishes early, we go find the other and help search. Sound good?"

Marie nodded, frowning at the thought of going back into the unfinished basement. "But, what if there are ACTUAL spiders down there? Not the big black ones, but the ones that were already here before the aliens came? You know I hate spiders."

"If I hear you screaming, I'll coming running to your rescue. Besides, I hate basements just as much as you hate spiders. A lose – lose situation, isn't it?" Evie replied, patting her friend on her shoulder, before turning and going up the stairs. Marie pouted, then opened the basement door and headed down into the darkness.

#)$(&%_$%{!#{$"%#"P*^#&$%&!_{#_"{P$!)%*#$

Evie came down the stairs and went out the front door to find Marie loading up the van with their prizes. Marie smiled, waving a shovel. "Look, Evie! I found so many good tools and stuff down there! We'll be able to trade for some great stuff when spring comes."

Evie nodded, holding her bag. "Maaariieee! I have a surprise for you!"

Marie looked up from her labors, head quirked to the side. "What is it? If it's another of your pranks and you've got a spider on you somewhere, don't even. I have a mallet!"

"I SAID I was sorry. I did smoosh it after. But, this is to help make up for that. Here!" Evie produced a stuffed Hello Kitty doll from her bag with a flourish, presenting it to her shorter partner.

Marie gaped before she lunged forward, snatching the white stuffed animal from Evie's grasp and cuddling it to her face. "EEEE! It's so soft! And squishy! Kitty-chan!"

Evie smiled, happy she could send Marie into such a fit of glee, before tossing her three bags of goodies into the back of the van. "Come on, you silly. We should head out. I thought you were timing us."

Marie looked up, wide eyed, having been thoroughly engrossed in her conversation with the stuffed cat. "Oh yeah."

The pig tailed woman gently set her new "friend" in the trunk before shutting the back door and scrambling into the driver's seat. Evie just kept giggling. No one could be as scary or as adorable as Marie. "Marie. You are SO cute."

Marie looked up, a deeply offended look on her face. "I am NOT! Take it back!"

"Drive, smart one. We need to go make camp and we should try and cover some more distance before then."

The green eyed driver grumbled, pouting, before putting the car in gear. "I am NOT cute."

(#$*%&#$+%{#_$P^:#$^_#*)%(^(#$}{"{!#$*^#%

The fire crackled, lighting the small clearing with ease. Marie was curled up under a blanket, seeming to be holding a deep conversation with her new stuffed animal.

Evie looked up from the dishes she was cleaning. "Marie. WHAT are you doing?"

Glasses flashed in the flickering light. "Kitty-chan and I are plotting your imminent demise. You'll never stick a spider in MY face again!"

"Oh, come on! That was months ago. What is it with you and grudges? Besides, you do realize that you're discussing my imminent demise with a stuffed cat, right?"

Marie looked wounded. "So?"

Shaking her head, Evie couldn't hold back her giggles. "You are just so adorable, you know that?"

Marie went back to pouting. "Nuhuh…"

That was when Marie noticed something glinting off of her friend's wrist. "Hey, Evie? What's that? The thing on your wrist?"

Evie held up her right wrist, showing off the silver bracelet hanging off of her. "I found it at the same time I found your Hello Kitty doll. Not much else was in the jewelry box, but isn't it pretty? A piece of crap, but pretty."

Marie nodded, watching the silver glinting in the fire light. "It's really nice. Kitty-chan and I are going to try and get some sleep now, okay? Wake me up for my watch."

Evie put the dishes back into the van. "Will do. Get some shut eye. It may do you some good."

Dozing off, already mostly asleep, Marie mumbled to herself. "Daddy says sleep is always good. Daddy knows these things."

Evie smiled sadly at her now sleeping comrade, before tucking the blanket more closely around Marie. "Yes. He did always say that."

!#($*&%&_#{#+}$%!#"{!$%{P#$_^*$)(!%##!%){_#$"%#$)

Evie kept her gaze moving, trying to keep awake. It was nearing the end of her watch and the exhaustion was catching up to her. Yawning, she stood, popping her knuckles and pacing about the clearing. Marie was dead to world, sleeping soundly. Evie was glad that Marie was sleeping heavily for once. Normally the nightmares kept her up.

Evie was crouching down to stir the embers of their fire, when there was a small rustling noise from the trees. "PLEASE let that be a squirrel."

The guard looked up, squinting into the darkness, gripping her gun. Her eyes widened as she saw something in the tree tops that was FAR too large to be a squirrel. She whipped her gun up, letting loose a few rounds at the beast ready to strike. "MARIE! WAKE UP! SPIDERS IN THE TREES!"

Marie shot up screaming, grabbing her gun and looking around wildly. She realized she had forgotten to put her glasses back on and she scrambled for them, regaining her ability to see.

The two stood back to back, taking careful aim at the creatures moving in the tree tops. Finally, the Xenomorphs gave up on their stealth and the small group entered the clearing. There were three of them, surrounding the two humans.

Two of the beasts charged forward, one for each of the girls. As the battle began, Marie and Evie let loose with their weapons, trying to get kill shots.

The two that attacked first were young and stupid. Marie and Evie took them on with relative ease, keeping them at a distance, getting good shots in at their torsos. The young ones snarled and screamed, infuriated that they couldn't get close enough to their prey.

Marie kept a close eye on the third spider. He was the one to be wary of. He had stayed out of the fray, watching, waiting. "Evie. The one over there. He HAS to be the leader. He's definitely one of the smarter ones. Look at how he's acting."

Evie nodded, firing off another few rounds into her opponent. "I don't know what they're planning, but we need to stick close to each other. Divide and conquer and all that junk."

Marie kept her gaze trained on the snarling visage before her. "I know."

The battle raged on, the women keeping the aliens away, trying to avoid the deadly blood beginning to appear. Their careful battle plans were ruined, however, when the third opponent tore into the fray, shrieking its battle cry, diving in between the two humans.

Evie and Marie screamed, twisting to get away, out of the trap. They couldn't shoot at the oldest Xeno, because they were too close. They'd undoubtedly get blood on them. Diving to the side, they avoided slashing claws and lashing tails.

They began backing towards the van as the three closed in. Evie turned, trying to grab for one of the grenade launchers. One of the younger ones noticed her attempt and he ran forward. Evie jerked back, startled, firing wildly into the charging beast.

It gasped and wheezed, flailing, and Evie realized what she had done just in time to throw up her arm. The few splatters of blood that had reached her began eating through her sleeve and she slashed it off, annoyed at losing yet another perfectly good shirt. Then she heard the clinking of metal and watched her new bracelet fall to the ground. The chain had broken and it landed in a small puddle of the blood, instantly vanishing.

Evie started when she heard Marie howling out a challenge. "SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!"

Marie aimed and fired her Smith and Weston 500, or the "Hand Cannon", into the monster that Evie had wounded. It gave one final shriek, then lay still and Marie continued on her rampage.

Evie gazed sadly at where her bracelet had been, before getting her weapon up and ready. "Marie, I thought the Hand Cannon was for emergency situations only."

Marie stopped and looked over at her saddened partner. "This doesn't count as an emergency?"

Shrugging, Evie kept the attackers at bay as Marie aimed and fired, taking out the other young Xeno in a few shots. There was only the eldest of the beasts left and he watched the humans carefully.

Deciding this battle was lost, he turned, ready to vanish back into the trees. Marie snarled. "Oh, you are NOT getting away!"

The Hand Cannon fired once more, clipping the sharpened end of the Xenomorph's tail, and it howled, lashing the bleeding appendage. Marie turned and gaped in horror as the blood landed dangerously close to her abandoned stuffed animal. "NOO! Kitty-chan! I'll save you! Evie, close the trunk and get in the car!"

Marie sprinted for the small white cat, sweeping it up just in time to save it from a sizzling fate. The blanket was not so lucky. The wielder of the Hand Cannon ran back to her van, starting it up, and sending the two women careening into the night.

#)$(*%&_#$+^%}{#$_"^%#}$|%$^)#*($^!#&${}%#$(%*)#$}{%^{#$"

Tvrtko and Dho'mago'te watched the battle and its conclusion with interest. Dho'mago'te seemed to be incredibly pleased. "Did you SEE that, Tvrtko? Dai'za'te is great! I wonder why she doesn't use that burner more often. It works so well!"

Tvrtko scowled. "Stop CALLING it that! She is not your pet!"

The two emerged from the shadows, checking the two bodies. Tvrtko went to where the taller _Ooman_, the one that always tried to shoot him, had stood. He looked down, confused. She had no problem attacking him, so why was it that Dai'za – The OTHER _Ooman _female had to take care of all the enemies? It made no sense.

Dho'mago'te strolled up. "We should continue on, to make sure we keep up with them. It's so much more fun to watch them, rather than simply follow them."

Nodding, Tvrtko followed, still pondering the odd situation.

!(#$*%_#+$_{#$P"%P!#$P)(%*#$&!%#{_!$(#

Tvrtko carefully watched the short haired female. She was acting differently. She seemed at least somewhat angry, but he could not tell at what. And she kept glancing at her arm. The other _Ooman_ seemed to be giving her some distance. But whether that was for the well being of the taller one or because the _Hulij-bpe Ooman_ was simply distracted by the white fluffy thing, he couldn't tell.

Looking to his right, Tvrtko tried not to laugh at his partner. Dho'mago'te was glaring down at the _Ooman_ cuddling the white thing. Dho'mago'te turned to him. "What IS that thing? Why does she lavish so much affection upon it? It doesn't even DO anything! I don't THINK that is what _Ooman_ younglings look like. It does not make sense."

Tvrtko shrugged, returning to watch the not so crazy female. "When do these _Oomans_ make sense?"

As the short haired one looked again at her arm, she stroked at her wrist, sighing. That was when it hit him. She was mourning the loss of the small, shiny bauble she had taken! He had seen it destroyed in the battle.

He thought on this new development as Dho'mago'te continued ranting about how Dai'za'te shouldn't be so close with an inanimate object.

As he watched the lanky female sigh once more, he made a plan of action.

!#$(*%&)#_$%^{}#_^)%*_A!#$*()!%&#_$%)(#$%&#

A few hours had passed and the two women were packing up, ready to finish the trek to Marv's. Marie tossed her pack into the trunk, shutting the doors. She looked over at Evie, who was putting out their fire. Marie padded over to her sullen friend. "Evie? It's okay. We'll find other pretty things to wear."

Evie kicked at the fire even more viciously. "This is the world's way of telling me that I can't be a girly girl ever again. I give up."

Marie sighed, looking up at the sky, as if for guidance. "You're being far too melodramatic."

Turning her gaze from the fire to her green eyed friend, Evie just looked at her. Marie shrunk, turning away. "Well, it's TRUE. Kitty–chan, why is she being so mean to me? I'm only trying to help."

The stuffed animal remained silent, though Marie continued yattering at it, carrying on a perfectly normal conversation.

Evie rolled her eyes at the blatant display of insanity, and then walked over to the car. "Come on, nut case. I want to get to Marv's today."

Marie scowled. "I am NOT a nut case! I'm perfectly fine and normal! … For living in a post apocalyptic age. EVERYONE is crazy now!"

Evie wasn't paying attention. She looked at the strange token hanging from her side view mirror. It looked like… A necklace. There was a large ring of some sort on a string, with very tiny rodent skulls dangling on either side of it. She pulled it off the mirror, turning it this way and that, checking it over.

Marie had slid into the car, still rambling, having secured Kitty-chan in the back seat. "Seatbelts are terribly important for your safety, Kitty-chan. What if we get into another car crash? I can't believe those jerks made me run Goners into a tree. Terribly rude. Evie, what are you looking at? Can I see? Are those SKULLS?"

Evie looked up as she got into the car. "Why yes. Yes they are. They're kind of pretty in a morbid sort of way. I'm not sure whether to wear it or bury it though."

Marie leaned in, gazing at the strange offering. She looked from the necklace, to Evie, then back to the necklace, before sitting back up. "I think one of them LIIIKES you! It left you a present! Homemade gifts are just so much more sentimental."

Evie looked over at her gloating friend, who was currently singing. Ignoring the idiot to her left, she contemplated the necklace. "If one of them made it for me, do you think they would be offended if I buried it?"

"Sitting in a tree! K-I-S-S- Yes, they would be."

Giving Marie a pained look, Evie slid the cord over her head. It settled on her breast bone, clinking. "Wearing it, it is then. Come on, let's get out of here before they decide to leave us any more 'presents'."

Marie continued giggling and singing to herself as she hit the gas, putting them once more on the road to Marv's.

!)(#$*%&_#$$!_#}%$!#{(%*&_#$+}_!$(!%*$!{_%(*!#$

Tvrtko watched the two drive off. She had taken the replacement. He didn't know why, but he felt strangely pleased. He stood, ready to follow once more, when he looked at Dho'mago'te. Tvrtko glared. "What, Dho'mago'te?"

"You LIIIKE her! And you were the one yelling at me about naming one. YOU gave HER a present!"

"It was NOT a present." Tvrtko began to stomp off.

"Well, you know what this means? You have to name her now. If you don't, I will!" Dho'mago'te followed behind, clearly pleased.

Tvrtko shrugged. "As if I care what you name it."

Dho'mago'te grinned even more behind his mask. "Hmm… I think Krit would be a lovely name for her! Don't you agree?"

Whirling about, Tvrtko gaped at his partner. "You can't call someone THAT!"

"Oh, but I thought you didn't care?"

Tvrtko grumbled, glaring at the ground. "Fine. Faru'qi. Are you happy now?"

Glaring, Dho'mago'te crossed his arms. "What kind of a name is that? Necklace? How unoriginal."

Tvrtko snarled back. "You named YOURS for all the blades she carries! How is THAT original?"

Dho'mago'te sniffed indignantly. "THAT is a personality trait and entirely unique to her. Besides, it does suit her so. You have no excuse!"

The two continued bickering as they trotted off, following the beeping signal of their tracking device. Dho'mago'te stopped all of a sudden, before bursting into laughter. Tvrtko whirled about. "What is it NOW?"

"You named her! And gave her a present! She's your pet now!"

Tvrtko threw up his arms in exasperation, taking off running, hoping to lose the larger and slower warrior in the trees. Maybe THEN he would get some peace.

!)(#*%^#$&(%#_{$%)(*#$&!)_{$!)(#$*%

Author's End Note: Once again, we have taken ARTISTIC LICENSE! Faru'qi means nothing. Neither does Krit. We're not saying why Krit is such an offensive term. The only thing that has a meaning is:

_Hulij-bpe_ – Crazy

Hope you enjoyed!


	7. Error 404: Predator Not Found

Author's Note: We apologize. The Minivan Escapades has, indeed, become supplementary to Hero is a Cheap Label. It was not intended to be such. But, we don't feel like fighting the Plot Bunnies. It's a bad idea. SOO… This is like the cut scenes from a movie! It really happened, but just didn't fit "The Mood".

REMINDER! Now that we are over halfway to 20 reviews, we would like to remind all of you that, once we hit 20 REVIEWS we will be having a contest! For a gift one shot! Further details will be provided at the time of the contest. If you have NO IDEA what we are talking about, shame on you! Read the Author's Notes, you bum!

In case you are confused, we have skipped winter! There will be an entire chapter in Hero is a Cheap Label devoted to winter time and Marv. We didn't feel like doing it here. So, happy Spring time!

Disclaimer: We own nada. Zilch. Zip. We wish there was another Z word that would work in here.

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Error 404: Predator Not Found

Evie was worried. Marie looked in the rearview mirror for at least the fifteenth time in the last ten minutes. Sure, Marie was paranoid, but not usually THIS bad. And usually Evie could actually see the reasons for Marie's paranoia. The Xenos had a tendency to pop up where least expected. But this was getting ridiculous. There was nothing there! Not even a rustle in the tree tops or a puff of dust being kicked up.

Marie slowed the van to a crawl, checking the mirrors once more. Evie had had enough. "MARIE. WHAT are you looking at? As far as I can tell, there is NOTHING behind us. Are you just jumpy for our first run of the spring?"

"There IS something there! I keep seeing these funny shimmers where there isn't anything! And I swear I saw a foot at one point!" Marie continued glancing backwards, glowering at her unseen opponents.

Evie sighed. "You're probably just seeing heat shimmers."

Marie gritted her teeth. "These are NOT heat shimmers. I KNOW what heat shimmers look like. That is NOT what these are! Besides, it's only just spring! There's still snow on the ground in some places!"

"Well, we DID go through a few nuclear explosions. If we can have a nuclear winter, why not heat shimmers in the spring? It certainly wouldn't be the strangest thing that's happened since the Apocalypse."

Marie just sunk lower in her seat, pouting and mumbling to herself. "KITTY-CHAN believes me…"

Evie just rolled her eyes. "I'm sure she does, Marie. I'm sure she does."

#$*($)%^_#$+}^_$#%)#$*#&$*)(+)#$(!*)#$_(#)}{_#%(#$*^(_$#!+_$

The sun was shining through the cloud cover as Marie and Evie lounged against a rock on the side of the road. The sunlight was warm for the first time in months and the two sighed as it hit their pale skin. Marie gently patted Kitty-chan, who was also leaning against the rock with them.

Evie opened an eye, glowering in the general direction of the stuffed cat. "I can't BELIEVE you insist on feeding that stupid animal. I wish I'd never found it for you."

Pouting, Marie crossed her arms. "Kitty-chan needs food too! Besides, you hardly eat anything anyway, Miss Scrawny Butt!"

"Yes, I do have a scrawny butt. Alas. But, Kitty is a STUFFED ANIMAL. As in, DOES NOT NEED FOOD." Evie shut her eyes again.

Marie stared at a funnily shaped rock on the ground. "Winnie the Pooh was a stuffed animal, and HE ate honey! But he never pooped. Why didn't he poop? No one on that show pooped. And they ate stuff all the time! It doesn't make sense."

"I think it explains Eeyore's behavior. He was just really constipated all the time." Evie giggled and Marie joined in, both of them breaking into gut busting laughter, unable to believe they had sunk to poop humor. Marie turned, wanting to give her stuffy a hug.

Suddenly, a piercing wail broke through the calm afternoon. Marie flew into motion, crawling about, hunting. "WHERE IS KITTY-CHAAAAN?"

Evie flung her hands up, covering her ears from the sudden onslaught of high pitched noise. "AGH! EAR DRUMS! Shut up, you idiot! The Xenos are going to think you're one of them!"

Marie continued gabbering incoherently, running about the whole clearing, hunting for the elusive white animal. Evie sighed as Marie began to cry. "Marie… Don't worry, we'll find her. I'll help."

The two continued shuffling about, when they heard a van door open and then close. Marie shot off, howling her dismay even louder than before. "NOT GONERS TOOOO!"

The two women came to a halt, weapons at the ready. They carefully circled the van, watching for movement. Seeing none, Marie reached out and opened one of the side doors, keeping her gun up.

She was greeted by the sight of Kitty-chan, all buckled into her designated seat, a knife placed in the stuffed cat's paws. Marie lowered her gun, head quirking to the side. "I could have sworn I lost that knife last week."

Evie came over, having been double checking the clearing and getting their supplies. "What is it?"

Marie pointed into the van and Evie started, looking from the cat, to Marie, then back to the cat. "Okay. Marie? You are no longer quite as crazy as I thought you were. Cus I KNOW that cat was sitting next to you at the rock, because I was glaring at it and you, because you tried to feed it my Chef Boyardee Beefaroni. Something does NOT compute."

Marie slowly shut the door after grabbing her blade, and slid the weapon back into its hiding place. "Evie. I think we should leave now. I think we're being watched."

Evie went to her door and got in. "Yeah. Let's go. I've never been fond of stalkers."

)($*!&)#$_+%*&#$(_*$!%+$&)%)(*_!#(+!#$+_%}$#)*%+}$+%!#)%*

The van trundled along, kicking up dust. Marie looked over at Evie. "You know… This is a lot like the time that one of those things left you that necklace."

"We don't know that it was one of those weird things that left the necklace." Evie fingered the ring still hanging around her neck.

"DUDE. Those things knew EXACTLY where you would be! The right side and right where you would see it!"

Evie crossed her arms. "It was a coincidence. They just stuck it on something protruding from the car."

"HA! You said THEM! You agree it was those freaky tall guys!"

"NUHUH! And besides, this time isn't anything like the necklace thing!"

Marie glared back. "It is too! They put Kitty-chan back in her correct seat AND she was buckled in! And that thing left one of my knives, and it keeps giving my knives back to me! Explain THAT one!"

"We haven't seen them all winter! There's no way they would come back just for us! Surely there are more interesting things for them to do than follow us around! They've moved on to greener pastures!" Evie clutched her seat as Marie kept speeding up.

Evie reached out, touching her friend's arm. "Marie, there's a river up there. Let's go along it and try to find somewhere shallower to cross, or maybe a bridge."

Marie had been about to comply, when she spotted the shimmers again, close behind. TOO CLOSE. Screeching, Marie hit the gas, throwing the minivan forward into the river. "MAYDAY! MAYDAY!"

Evie was jostled about and she screamed as well. "YOU CRAZY IDIOT!"

As a wave of water rose up behind the speeding vehicle, a wild crackling noise filled the air. Marie was struggling to keep the van going in the current. "Hey, Evie? Do you hear something popping?"

The two stared out their rearview mirrors as the two strange aliens came into view behind them. The short, black one was glaring, tapping something on his wrist, while the larger was looking about in what seemed to be confusion. The short one looked up, pointing and shouting, and that is when panic ensued within the vehicle.

Marie hit the gas again, shouting again. "HELP ME CAPTAIN! OH CAPTAIN, MY CAPTAIN! WE CAN'T TAKE MUCH MORE O' THIS!"

Evie screamed, trying to get some sense into her partner. "I AM NOT A CAPTAIN! DO YOU SEE A CAPTAIN? NO! AND YOU BETTER NOT MEAN KITTY-CHAN! DRIVE, YOU IDIOT! DRRIIIIVE!"

"AWOOOGA! AWOOOGA! SAVE OUR SANDWICHES! AWOOGA!"

The van broke from the water, careening away, its occupants still yelling at each other. Marie's eyes were wide and wild. "EVIE! YOU DON'T HAVE YOUR LIFE PRESERVER ON! WHERE'S THE PADDLE?"

"THERE IS NO PADDLE!"

Marie sobbed. "NOO! WE'RE DOOMED! WE'RE UP A CREAK WITHOUT A PADDLE!"

"WE'RE OUT OF THE WATER! WATCH OUT FOR THE TREEEEES!"

Marie yanked the wheel, pulling Goners away from certain doom. "IN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY, YOUR SEAT MAY BE USED AS A FLOTATION DEVICE!"

Evie had given up all hope of talking reason back into Marie's head. "LIIEES! YOU CAN'T EVEN REMOVE THE FRONT SEATS LIKE THE BACK ONES!"

The van continued, leaving nothing but dust and wet tracks in its wake, leaving two very confused Yautja standing on the opposite shore, exactly where they had been when the panic had begun.


	8. Technical Difficulties

Author's Note: Here is our next chapter for the Minivan Escapades! We are on a TOTAL Predator high, having gone to see the midnight release of the new movie! We both enjoyed it very much. WHOO, DEATH, GORE AND MASS DESTRUCTION! Not that this chapter has anything what so ever to do with any of that. Sorry.

Please remember we should have a contest coming up relatively soon and look to the Author's Notes for further information.

Disclaimer: We only wish we could make money off of something so awesome. Alas, we have boring jobs to get us money. Sad face.

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Technical Difficulties

Tvrtko and Dho'mago'te stood on the shore of the river, staring off at where their pets had driven. Tvrtko looked down at his wrist, grumbling angrily. "Stupid cloaker! _Oomans_ can figure out how to make things impervious to water and we can't?"

Dho'mago'te was staring into the distance, dismay written in the slump of his body. "Why did they run away, Tvrtko? Don't they like me? I even gave back the small fluffy one. I hadn't planned to, but Dai'za'te seems terribly fond of it."

Tvrtko didn't bother looking up from his button mashing. "No. They DON'T like you."

"Really? Is it true?" Dho'mago'te sighed, feeling horribly depressed at this fact. "I haven't even shot anything at them in a long time…"

Tvrtko rolled his eyes. "No, you idiot. It's not true. I have no idea why they fled."

Dho'mago'te straightened, angry. "Don't make jokes like that, Tvrtko!"

Tvrtko shrugged, uncaring. Dho'mago'te growled, and hit his friend in the back, sending the lighter Yautja head first into the water.

"AAARGGH! You've made it even WORSE! This will take me forever to fix!" Tvrtko spluttered from the river, before standing and wading back to shore, smacking Dho'mago'te on his way out.

The two sat, backs to rock near the river, trying to dry off. Tvrtko took off his cloaking device and proceeded to poke at it, trying to get it to dry out and function again. After several minutes of fruitless button mashing and hitting it against the rock, he snarled in frustration. "What do the tech people do ANYWAY? Are they related to you or something?

Dho'mago'te shifted uneasily. "Weeelll…"

Tvrtko turned back to his malfunctioning cloaker. "THAT explains EVERYTHING. No wonder they're not doing something useful! Like making our cloakers WATER PROOF. We have had this problem for YEARS!"

"They've been working on more IMPORTANT things! Like hover crafts and time travel!" Dho'mago'te attempted to defend his relations.

Tvrtko just looked at him, a look Dho'mago'te knew well. Someone was getting stabbed soon. Dho'mago'te edged away. "Well, more INTERESTING things, anyway."

Tvrtko turned away and proceeded to try and fix his cloaking device once more, since it had had time to dry out some. He muttered a constant stream of curses against the water logged contraption and Dho'mago'te resigned himself to weather the storm of Tvrtko's irritation.

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Tvrtko had somehow managed to get both of the cloakers working again, after much swearing and bashing. The two traveled onward, following the tracking signal still in place upon the _Ooman_ vehicle. They finally caught up near sun down and watched as the two females set up their camp for the night.

Dai'za'te was furiously stalking about the front of the transportation device, hitting at it with primitive tools and shouting what they assumed were profanities. Clearly their transporter did not take well to the water.

Dho'mago'te watched as Dai'za'te got on the ground, sliding underneath the hunk of moving metal and heard more clanging noises and angry shouts. "Tvrtko! She is just like you! You get just as mad when things don't work like they should!"

Tvrtko looked up from watching Faru'qi, clearly affronted. "I do NOT get mad when things don't work."

Dho'mago'te shook his head, deciding not to risk further stabbing. Tvrtko could stab much harder and was much more dangerous than little Dai'za'te.

!)(#*!$&$#%_#+}#+|!#$%)(#$%*&!(#$)(*%_#$_}!#+_$(*%#$^(%_(

Marie yelped as her head connected with the bottom of the van and she shimmied out from underneath it, nursing a new lump on her forehead. She glared over at Evie, who was trying not to giggle too hard at her friend's struggles. Marie snarled. "Go on, keep laughing, Miss Scrawny Butt. See if I let YOU ride in Goners anymore. You can just WALK to Iowa! Kitty-chan would like the view better from the front seat, anyway."

Evie continued working on their dinner. "I'm so sure. Come on, why don't you leave Goners for now and get some food? You always get more easily frustrated when you're hungry. Not that you have a lot of patience to begin with."

Marie came over to the fire and settled down on the grass, picking up her bowl, ready to eat, when the air shimmered close to her right side. Squealing, Marie set her bowl down and tried to scramble away, grabbing up a wrench.

The shimmering stopped when the big, red creature came into view. He quirked his head at the terrified twosome, before making some sort of strange chittering noise. Marie and Evie just stared, clinging to each other. He began to walk forward and Marie yelled, flinging her wrench at the intruder's head. It connected with a clang and the creature stopped, shook its head, and then picked up the wrench and proceeded to look it over with great interest.

Marie was not pleased. "Evie… I don't have the ability to deal with this at the moment. I am hungry and frustrated and it's ALL THEIR FAULT!"

Evie tried to shush her friend. "Look, they haven't REALLY tried to hurt us this time. And it's only YOUR stalker. Maybe he's the nice one."

Marie glowered at the alien still pawing her wrench. "I'm sure the other one is around here SOMEWHERE. Just you wait! I'll bet he gives you a bouquet of skulls this time. Perhaps a nice card made out of skin."

Evie made a face, clearly not wanting to think about the possibility of receiving such things. "Marie, that's just gross."

Marie was about to respond when she gaped and pointed behind Evie. "We have more company, Evie. Put on the tea."

"What are you talking about NOW?" Evie looked at Marie's face, then felt a tugging from about her neck. She whipped around and came face to mask with the black one. Her jaw dropped and the two proceeded to simply stare at each other for a few minutes. Then the creature tugged the necklace over her head.

Evie was hopeful. Perhaps it didn't want her to have the, uh, LOVELY gift anymore. Maybe he'd found someone else to give it to. That would be nice. Instead, he undid the knotting and proceeded to slide more tiny skulls onto the rope, before tying it off and trying to hand it back.

"No, no! Please, keep it! I'm sure it would look perfectly charming with your, uh…" She looked down at his belt, with larger skulls hanging from it. She gulped. "Your collection."

The pushing match continued on, Evie trying desperately to avoid getting the necklace back. Finally, the much larger creature gave up and forced it down over her head. Evie looked down, sighing at the larger collection of dead animal heads. "Thanks. Seriously. I don't feel icky at all..."

Evie glared at Marie, who was giggling at the spectacle. "I tooold you he liked you! Don't you feel pretty now?"

Evie's eyes narrowed and she just pointed behind Marie. The pig tailed girl turned her gaze, gasping in horror at the sight she was confronted with. The red being was crouching down next to Kitty-chan and seemed to be reaching out to touch the stuffed animal. Marie yelled, scuttling forward and snatching the white cat away, clutching it to her chest.

He looked down at her, head quirking, before it tapped a few buttons on its wrist band. Evie's voice crackled to life. "What is it with you and that thing?"

Marie gaped. It was simply too much for her at this point. She looked up at the masked being, over to Evie, then back to the one threatening her beloved Kitty-chan. "Evie! When did you learn ventriloquism?"

Evie was looking at the red one just as strangely. "I haven't."

The black one made some noises, clearly communicating to the red one looming over Marie. They seemed to come to an understanding, before the red one began hitting buttons again. Evie's voice popped out once more. "You're probably just seeing heat shimmers."

Marie's brow furrowed. "I am not certain what he's trying to say to me."

"That's not the important point here, Marie! This proves they were following us the WHOLE TIME." Evie had a look of terror on her face.

Marie rolled her eyes. "Well, I already KNEW that. Duh."

The two aliens had been chattering back and forth, saying more things that the two women couldn't understand. Finally, the larger of the two once again turned to his wrist band. "Marie… Don 't worry. We'll find her. I'll help."

Marie blinked for a moment, before clutching Kitty-chan closer to her chest, turning to face Evie. "EVIE… What if HE was the one that took Kitty-chan that time? And put her back! And my knife! It all makes sense now! I really don't want it to!"

Evie just watched as the big one fiddled more. He seemed fairly frantic. It would be funny, if she wasn't so terrified.

The two aliens were going back and forth again, gesturing at the women and at each other, clearly getting something that Marie and Evie couldn't. Finally, the big one seemed to make a sighing noise, slumping, before hitting another button on his wrist. "Something does NOT compute."

This put Marie over the edge. "OKAY! Time to eat! Evie, what did you make tonight? It looks very tasty. I'm so hungry right now, I could eat a horse! If we could find one. And the spiders hadn't gotten them all. I'm sure Kitty-chan is looking forward to dinner just as much as I am!"

Evie watched as Marie continued gabbering on about dinner, horses, and, for some reason, the proper way to set a dining room table. The aliens watched on as well, confused as to why Marie suddenly began acting as if they weren't there.

Marie dug into her bowl of food, now getting luke warm. The red one looked over and shrugged, which startled Evie. "They even know our body language…" she muttered to herself.

The big one sat down next to Marie and watched her eat, looking at the food and her face, curious.

Evie shuffled over to her seating area, picking up her own bowl. She got a few bites in when she noticed that the red one had gotten MUCH closer to Marie's face. Inches from her mouth, in fact. Apparently watching her chewing her food. Evie looked over at the black one and noticed he was getting a little too close for comfort as well.

Evie sighed, resigning herself to not having dinner again, before handing the mostly full bowl over to Marie. "Here. Why don't you give this to Kitty-chan? I'm just not hungry tonight."

Marie smiled, ignoring the strange mask directly in front of her. "Why, thank you Evie! Kitty-chan is very grateful, but she is saddened to inform you that she isn't hungry right now, either. But don't worry, I'll take care of it!"

Marie proceeded to continue eating, clearly not perturbed by the continued observation of her mastication. Evie edged away from the encroaching black one, scooching towards the happily oblivious Marie. Suddenly, Marie set down the now empty bowl with a clatter and stood, almost knocking the red being off balance. "Well! That was a lovely meal! Gochisosama!I am so full now and not unhappy or frustrated! I think I shall retire for the evening!

Marie picked up Kitty-chan and padded over to her nest of blankets on the ground. She burrowed under them, turning her back to the campfire. "Wake me up for my watch, Evie!"

She then started fake snoring, as loudly and obnoxiously as she could. The three by the campfire just looked at the pile of blankets. Then the two aliens looked at Evie, both of them quirking their heads in a similar manner.

Evie shrunk down, intimidated by the massive amounts of muscle and power on either side of her. Cursing Marie for putting her in this situation, she looked at the flames. "Don't look at ME. I don't understand her either!"


	9. When Figments Come to Fight

Author's Note: Here it is! What you've all been waiting for! Probably not, but here it is anyway! THE CONTEST!

Now, the basic premise of this is that WE are going to put a Yautja emoticon somewhere in our scene breaks this one shot. The breaks are longer than normal, to make it a little trickier for you to find it. The breaks have been NUMBERED. You MUST send in what NUMBER you found the emoticon in. The first person who FINDS the emoticon and sends us a PRIVATE MESSAGE of where it is will get a gift one shot!

This contest will run ONE WEEK. It will end on _**August 1st, 2010**_.

The gift one shot WILL have to be solely in the Alien/Predator/AVP fandom. And it will ONLY be a one shot. It can be with characters we already have, characters we make up for you, or characters you already have. Just make sure you have a good character bio, cus we can't write a good story without good characters.

That all being said, let the HUNT BEGIN!

Your prey is this: /[^w^]\\

Good hunting!

Disclaimer: We own nothing that anybody would want. We think.

_**1)**_!)(#*%!_#)(%&!#$*(%&)!#$_!+#_$!|#$!#_(%!&#$%*#($)))))))%U#)(%+#()%*(!)#}|$!#%)!(#$*%&!($)#!%*)&%!*(#$}#|$!(%_#$&%!#$*%(!)#)$!_#$!+_#$!*#(%)!}#$|!#!*(%!($&#**#Y$)!(#$%*!}#$|!(_%&!$%!#*$(!%#)$*!_#*+%*!#$(%&!)!(#$&%_$#^+^)(((((((((((((((((((((%$"?""{}|||||||||!($#^&$)%(_#$^+#$^_)#&(%*(!#$_%!

When Figments Come to Fight

The next night came quickly and the girls set up camp. Marie hummed merrily, tending to her own things as Evie cooked their food. Evie was looking about warily, eyeing the woods. Their unexpected guests had left in the morning and had not returned. "They can't be gone… Can they? I hope so…"

The two women settled down for dinner and Marie dug into the hot stew with gusto, pleased with all the canned vegetables contained within. Marie stopped for a moment, confused at Evie's strange behavior.

Her friend was wolfing down her food at an abnormally fast pace. Evie was the slowest eater Marie had ever met and she was almost finished with her bowl of food already! Marie frowned. "Evie? Why are you eating so fast? You might choke!"

Evie swallowed the food currently in her mouth before responding. "I didn't eat last night OR this morning. I'm starving! And I've no doubt that those things are going to be back…"

Marie quirked her head. "What things?"

Evie stopped her eating to glare at Marie. Damn that woman for being so insane. And oblivious. Alas, it was too late. The red being was back, intently staring at Marie once again. And, just like the night before, Marie continued eating happily, unperturbed by the creature inches from her mouth.

Evie peered out of the corner of her eye and was not surprised to find the black one watching her with equal intensity. Evie had had enough. Slamming the bowl on the ground, she tackled the black one to the ground with a screech.

"Hey! Don't waste your food!" Marie called, once again perfectly calm in the face of a rampaging battle before her. Shrugging, she picked up the discarded bowl and began munching on the stew left within.

Meanwhile, Evie was attempting to cold cock the alien with her gun. "JUST STAY STILL!"

Unfortunately, the black thing was uncooperative. It would lead Evie about, letting her almost catch him, before vanishing into thin air and appearing to Evie's back or side, knocking her down with a kick or punch.

This did not put Evie in a good humor. She kept trying to hit him, until her patience broke. Snarling, she began firing her gun, shots going wildly through the camp. One shot came dangerously close to hitting Kitty-chan and Marie shrieked, scuttling on all fours to her beloved stuffed cat.

Hunching over the fluffy object, Marie hissed, then clambered back to her spot by the fire muttering. "Preeeeciouuusss…."

The gunfire was clearly not what the black being expected and he swiftly disarmed Evie, holding her in one arm, her gun in the other while Marie was busy tending to her stuffed cat.

He carried her back to the fire, Evie struggling wildly. "LET ME DOWN! STUPID PERVY ALIEN CREATURE THINGY!"

The alien dropped her in her spot with a small thud and retrieved the almost finished bowl of stew from Marie. Marie gaped, blinking in confusion. "Hey! I was eating that! Bad figment of my imagination! Bad!"

Ignoring the scolding, the black one gave Evie the bowl and stared at her expectantly. Scowling, Evie began finishing off the stew. "Stupid aliens…"

In the meantime, Marie had evidently decided that it was time for bed. Standing she wandered to her blanket nest, curling up happily. Looking over her shoulder, she found that the red one had followed her to her bunk and was still watching her intently.

Scowling, she sat up. "Excuse me. Do you MIND? I am a lady trying to sleep here. I can't be having my imaginary creatures bothering me whilst I'm trying to sleep. I need my beauty rest, you know. Why don't you go bug Evie? She shouldn't be able to see you, since you are MY figments."

With that bit of advice, Marie rolled over, tugged the blankets over her head, and began her obnoxious fake snoring once more.

**2)**!_#$*)%&(#$!+#${_%}!#($&*Y^!#$(_!)#*Y#$%_#{!$}#%!{$#^O!*U#$%^!#$(#%+)!(*!#$)+_#$}!#$!)#(*%&!#$(%_!#$)%!}#%!|#!%(!*$%!*!)#*(%&!(#$!%+%}_!#$%!|#$%(!*$&%^()#$%/^w^_%*&!$%)(_#$+!_(#*)%&()#$+!#_%(&*!_#$%${}!#)%!($#%&_$+^%_$^(#%&#!)%^_(%+&^*)(_+}{":?:"{}!#)($^!&%*)_!#$^)#%*&_}{$

Another two days had passed and Evie had joined Marie in ignoring their unwanted visitors. Every night, both girls simply pretended that the aliens weren't there. It worked fairly well, until the third night.

Evie had finished her meal and was enjoying listening to Marie sing to herself. Letting her eyes slide shut, Evie relaxed. The aliens hadn't come tonight and she was hoping they had left for good. She'd had quite enough of herself and Marie being followed to the bathroom. She hadn't been this stressed in awhile.

Unfortunately, her relaxing evening was cut short by a tug on her neck. She opened her eyes in time to see the necklace disappearing over her head and watched in irritation as the black one strung more skulls onto its string. She was gaining quite a collection.

As he tried to place it back over her head, she shifted, avoiding the ring of skulls. "No, I don't want it!"

The thing quirked his head, before trying again. Evie moved once more, and the game began. Evie began fleeing, running here and there about the camp, trying to keep the beast from dropping the necklace around her neck.

He gave a merry chase, easily keeping up with her and almost catching her several times. Marie sang on, oblivious once again. The red one seemed more fascinated than usual by the noises coming from the woman and hit a button on his wrist.

Finally, the chase came to an end. The black one snagged Evie, dropping the necklace over her head. Sadly, Evie had been off balance and as she toppled backwards she took the alien down with her. He managed to catch himself before he crushed her, rolling to the side.

Evie reached out, grabbing a rather large piece of firewood. Worried, the black one looked over, checking to make sure she wasn't hurt, and received a face full of branch for his trouble.

Evie had swung the chunk of wood, catching the beast off guard and knocking its mask askew. She blinked as she caught sight of something strange underneath it, but scuttled away, trying not to think about it.

Settling herself close to Marie, she watched him straighten his mask and come back over to the fire. Marie stopped her singing, leaning over to whisper in Evie's ear. "Did YOU see a mandible? I didn't see a mandible. You were imagining it. Just like I was when I thought I saw one on this fellow here!"

Evie sighed as Marie went back to singing. "I don't want to know."

**3)**!(#*]\[\][]\342098#$%&*

Marie was busy practicing her knife throwing. Her aim was not very good and practice makes perfect! She took careful aim, staring at a particular funny looking chunk of bark. Pulling her arm back, she hurled the knife, the blade turning end over end.

It landed with a satisfying thunk in the right spot and she squealed with glee, jumping up and down joyously, before darting forward to retrieve her blade.

Reaching the tree she tried tugging the metal out of the knot of wood. Struggling, she fell backwards as she lost her grip on the handle. Landing on her rump, she pouted up at the handle. "You're mocking me. I just KNOW it. You jerkface!"

Standing, she pulled once more, wiggling the knife all about. Up and down, side to side, until there was an ominous snap and she fell on her butt once more. Blinking, she looked triumphantly down at the knife in her hand.

Her expression morphed into one of dismay as she realized she had, indeed, retrieved the handle of the knife. But it was now missing several inches of the blade. Sniffling, she threw the now useless handle away, tucking her knees up to her chest, hiding her face in them. "I can't do ANYTHING right! Matt coulda done this easy!"

She sat there, feeling sorry for herself, when a hand suddenly rested on top of her head. Looking up, startled, she found herself looking into the mask of the large red figment of her imagination. Snuffling, she rubbed her eyes. "What do YOU want? You came to make fun of me, didn't you? Well, you know what? I don't care! Cus I exist and YOU don't! So there!"

The hand was still on her head and, for some reason, she didn't really mind. She just sat there, letting herself get over her sorrow, before smiling. "Thanks, figment. I'm sorry for yelling at you. I know you were just trying to help. My pretend friends are always nice."

The red thing quirked its head, removing its hand from her head and standing. Marie looked up. And up. And up. Finally, she stood, just to save her neck some stress. "What is it, figment? I really need to think of something better to call you than figment... I have many of those. You're special."

The tall being reached to its back, grabbing something. Marie quirked her head as he produced a rather impressive looking knife from behind him. "Ooo, it's pretty. You have great taste in knives! You're so lucky. I wish I had one like it!"

She was surprised when he flicked the blade in the air, grabbing it easily by its tip, offering her the handle. She looked at the proffered handle, then up at her figment, then back at the knife. "That's very nice of you and I DO want it, but a pretend knife won't do me any good. But, your sentimentality touches me."

The being pushed it towards her again, before pointing at one of the trees. Sighing, she grabbed the handle. "You're not gonna take no for an answer, are you? Fine, I'll take it. But I'm only testing it once! And if it doesn't work, you have to take it back!"

She grabbed the blade, wondering at how light it was for its size. She had expected something much heavier, since he was so large.

Stepping away, she took aim at a tree once more. She repeated the processes, letting the blade fly. It flew true, straight, and fast, sinking into the tree as if it were nothing but paper. Gaping, Marie ran over, pulling the blade out with a few quick tugs.

She stared down at it, then back at her figment. "You seriously mean I can have this? I don't know how a figment ended up with a real weapon, but I don't mind! But, shouldn't you keep it?"

The thing reached up to his shoulder, whipping about his strange weapon, holding it easily in his grasp. It resembled a battle hammer and Marie nodded. "Of course, of course! I'd forgotten about that. Well, if you're SURE you don't mind me having this…."

She looked at him, worried he was going to take back this lovely gift. He made a gentle shooing motion, before turning and walking away, vanishing into the trees.

Marie looked at his retreating back, before looking down at the large blade in her grasp. It was half the length of her machete, but wider, with intricate designs. Smiling, she carefully hugged the blade, before skipping off, wanting to show it off to Evie. "She'll be SOOO jealous! She gets skulls, while I get knives!"

**4)**129)#%*!1234[]142514(%!&#$%!)#(%!*#$)%!#$!$!(?#?L%#$^(#P$^%$^I (^$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$(!#%&!#$)_!#% )*!#$%^$(^!)$%!_#%)*!#$(^$& %)$!#$%^_#)$^&%&^_$%+!#_*^)(%&$^%)#$_^*)&_%(**^(%_)/^w^)_!)#$^(%&*^($_+#%^_&)!*^$(#_+$)^&*#$^(#%_$+!#_(^%*&)$^%$%^&*^(*&

Evie was not happy. "Why does he keep bringing me skulls? I don't WANT skulls! I want useful things! Or at least things that are actually pretty! The only thing on this stupid necklace I like is the metal circle thing! And that's HEAVY."

Continuing her muttered tirade, Evie wandered into a clearing, spotting the bane of her current thoughts. Stopping, she pointed, snarling. "YOU!"

It looked up, peering about, before settling his gaze on her once more, quirking its head. Evie scowled. "Don't look at me in that tone of voice! What is WRONG with you? The OTHER one can manage to give halfway decent gifts, why can't you?"

He continued sitting there, quirking his head the other way. Evie screamed in frustration, charging the sitting alien.

He stood with an easy grace and Evie came to a stop just short of him. Glaring up, she brought up her fists, vaguely resembling a boxer. "All right, bring it! I'mma take you out!"

The infuriating black being looked at her fists, then back at her and began making a strange nosie. She blinked, then frowned. "You know, if I didn't know better, I would SWEAR you're laughing at me."

The noise slowly vanished and the black one copied her stance, before shifting into one that looked vaguely similar, but was very different. He repeated this a few times before pointing at her. Evie blinked, looking down at her fists. "Are you making fun of me?"

Shaking his head, he repeated his motions, clearly trying to get something across to her. Evie's hands dropped in her confusion. The being made a frustrated noise and began reaching for her. She panicked, lashing out with one fist.

He dodged it easily, pushing gently on one shoulder, and she tumbled backwards. Landing on the ground, she glared, scrambling back up and trying to hit him once more. He simply knocked her over again, looking down at her.

Standing a third time, Evie simply glowered at him, arms crossed. Nodding, the black one came over, moving her feet about. She wobbled, confused, before she settled into the stance he'd put her feet in.

Next, he grabbed her arms, setting them in completely different positions than they'd been in before. One arm guarding her torso, the other out and bent slightly. He nodded, stepping back, and mimed a punch, then pointed at her.

Nodding slowly, Evie threw her fist out and he dodged, pushing her shoulder. She wobbled and took a step back, but didn't fall. Surprised, she adjusted the stance back and looked up at the stranger.

He nodded, making a happy sounding noise, before continuing to show her ways to fix her fighting form.

Evie caught herself almost smiling as he showed her the proper way to punch and shook her head. "Well, maybe you're not so bad."

**5)**!_#%*)!/l[/.[":?:L$*#)($!(#$*URF!_#!+#}_R!$R!OU!}|#$}%!#"$!#?%/^w^\\!#$~~!#)(*$!#$!#*(!)$%}|#$}{!$#:%$"!%$^#$!(_$$'/,.]\[/^w^!)$^*!#)%_$+!#

After spending a few hours working, Evie was tired and sweaty, a state she didn't like to be in. Yet, she couldn't help being a little happy. She'd made progress, which was surprising since the language barrier made things interesting.

They walked into camp together, where Marie was still ogling her new blade, cooing happily. Marie looked up at their approach, before smiling and singing. "Evie and Ninja sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-"

Evie interrupted the tune. "Who?"

Marie pointed at the black being next to her. "Ninja! He's one of my figments, so I decided to name him! And the other figment is Martello!"

"You think they're figments of your imagination?"

"Shush! I'm trying to tell you the reasons behind these names! Don't interrupt me! You KNOW I hate being interrupted! Now, where was I? Oh yes! Ninja is named Ninja because he's black and sneaky and stuff! And Martello is named that cus he is big and has a hammer!"

Evie shook her head. "You named him hammer? How creative."

"Don't judge me! It was the name of Charlemagne's grandfather, too! Just spelled different! It's a spiffy name!"

Evie rolled her eyes. "Whatever. As long as you're happy."

Smiling, Marie went back to singing. "Now, where was I … Oh yeah! K-I-S-S-I-N-G! First comes LOVE! Then comes MARRIAGE! Then comes the baby in the BABY CARRIAGE! Wait, can you two even HAVE babies?"

Ignoring Marie's rambling, Evie went to the car to fetch the items for dinner. Sighing, she shut the trunk doors. "It's been a long week…"

**6)**!)#(%*&$()%+#_%(*$&#$%{}#{${!#}$!:$LTGKOH)#(%*)(#%)*#U+_#(T!)#(W*!%_(#+%*%)#_%)!}#$%!|#$}%{#$L%?{:?}$%O#$(%#$^)!#_$(!%*)&#$%_!#+%)(*&!#$&_(#$#${!}|%}#$%{!"%!#%!$%(^$*^Y#$(_+#%&+U_$+*(%#!%}|}#{!$"#?:/^u^\\!_#$^)%!*($)_#+%$^*&)#%^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^${\]\/.,/.5142870)!#$^

End Author's Note: Now remember. You need to be the first to PRIVATE MESSAGE us with where you think the Pred Emoticon is and include the number of the scene break you think it's in.

And don't forget to keep reviewing!

Best wishes and Good Hunting!


	10. Boobies Trapped

Author's Note: Here is the next installment of the Minivan Escapades! In which Marie regains a grasp of reality, Evie gets motion sick, and Tvrtko has need of a dry cleaning service.

Also, our contest from the previous one shot is now closed, due to the fact that we have a winner! SenkiroWolf has won our gift one shot. Thanks to everyone that played! Next time, we're hoping it goes a bit more smoothly and ff.n doesn't mess it up.

Enjoy!

Disclaimer: We only own the boobies! (We know you're giggling!)

)!}#$|!#!*(%!($&#**#Y$)!(#$%*!}#$|!(_%&!$%!#*$(!%#)$*!_#*+%*!#$(%&!)!

Boobies Trapped

A week had passed since the first time the strange aliens had first come into their camp. Every night they had come and every night Marie either pretended the aliens weren't there, or referred to them as figments of her imagination. Evie was reaching her breaking point. "If they watch me chew my food or try and follow me to the bathroom one more time…"

Evie had been nudging the fire, getting it up from the coals, readying their breakfast. The strangers simply watched her work. Evie ignored them, turning to wake Marie. Gently touching her partner's shoulder, Evie carefully woke her. "Marie. Hey, good morning, darling. Time to get up."

Marie mumbled, burying herself further into her blanket nest. "S'too early. Dun wanna go to school. Mrs. White is terrible… Don't have the speech ready."

"Marie. We're not high schoolers anymore. Come on, you need to wake up."

Marie slowly sat up, hair wild about her face, partially pulled from her pigtails. "Mornin'."

Turning away, Evie went back to the fire. "Good morning, sunshine. Come and eat before it gets cold. I let you sleep in a little bit today."

Marie padded over to the campfire, plopping down next to Evie, taking the proffered plate of food. "Thanks."

Evie shook her head. Marie was NOT a morning person. She gritted her teeth as one of the strangers played that same recording they'd taken a week ago.

"Good morning, beautiful!" Crackled from the large red one's wrist. He looked at her expectantly, waiting for a response.

Evie glowered at him, but her ingrained mid west politeness would not let her ignore him. "Good morning, whoever you are. WHATever you are."

The red one made some strange chirping noises at the black one, clearly pleased. The black one shrugged, before standing and turning to go. The two wandered off into the woods and Evie sighed, finally feeling mildly relieved.

Suddenly, Marie blinked rapidly, looking about them, before facing Evie. She had a terribly serious look on her face. "Genevieve. Have I NOT been imagining two strange alien thingies in our campsite watching us eat and following us about?"

Evie stared at Marie. "No. Not even YOU are that crazy. Yet. I think."

Marie turned back to her food, a look of contemplation on her face. "I do believe I'll kill them then."

Evie nodded. "This would be nice. WHY didn't you do that EARLIER?"

Giving Evie a sweetly innocent stare, Marie quirked her head. "But, you told me that if I ever thought I was seeing things to just ignore them and they would go away!"

Evie sighed, wishing she didn't have to deal with the insane version of her best friend. "Whatever. Let's just make some traps or something."

Marie smiled, perking up. "Okay! I get to make the punji stake traps! Yay!"

"Just don't fall in them."

#$%!|#$%(!*$&%^()#$%/^w^_%*&!$%)(_#$+!_(#*)%&()#$+!#_%(&*!_#$%${}!#)%

Dho'mago'te and Tvrtko looked on with great interest. Dai'za'te and Faru'qi were running about, clearly making several different types of primitive traps. Dho'mago'te was deeply amused as Dai'za'te dug holes about the camp, filling them with sharp sticks. "She's so amusing. I didn't know _Oomans_ could dig holes that fast!"

Tvrtko frowned. "But, WHY are they laying traps? Normally they just move on. And they're being far too loud to be able to catch anything nearby. It makes no sense."

Dho'mago'te didn't look away from the amusing display. "Perhaps they are practicing? In case they need to make them again at some point?"

Frowning, Tvrtko watched Faru'qi setting up a net trap on the ground. "I suppose… These ARE very shoddy traps."

The two spent the rest of the day watching the females make several different traps and wondering why the females would be doing something so strange.

As night fell, they came down from the trees they had been watching the _Oomans_ from and crept into the campsite, easily avoiding the traps they had watched the females set.

The females were hiding in a small shelter dug into the ground, covered in leaves. They were being quiet, so the Yautja followed suit.

Creeping up behind the _Oomans_, Dho'mago'te and Tvrtko peered over the shoulders of the women, trying to see what the females were looking at.

TY!GF}!#$*%!)#(%&*!_+#_$!(%U*!#%Y!+_%*(!#$))))))+_!#(%!}#$!#!|#%(!#$*

Marie was trying not to giggle. She felt like a NINJA! She kept her gun poking through the small peep holes, watching for the former figments of her imagination. She felt something brush her shoulder and she turned to see if a leaf had fallen on her.

Instead, she came face to face with the large, red, masked fiend that she had taken to calling Martello. Quirking her head, she shushed him. "Now, now. I'm not eating yet. I need to wait for you to come out of the trees and kill you, and THEN I'll eat. So shoo!"

Turning back to Evie, Marie was surprised by the look of horror on her friend's face. "Evie? What is it? Are you okay?"

Evie simply kept staring and Marie stiffened as Martello came closer. She felt the heat of his body against her back, realizing that he must be bare inches away as he leaned over her. Her eyes widened as her addled mind finally connected the dots. "Oh."

Marie froze, barely blinking. "Evie. Whatever you do, don't look up. Just keep looking at me."

Alas, Evie did not take this sound advice. Peering up, Evie locked gazes with the black fiend and he gazed down at her, hair swishing. Evie dropped her gaze, looking at Marie once more.

Marie scowled. "I TOLD you so."

At this point, pandemonium ensued. Evie shrieked and clambered out of their hidey hole and Marie followed, screaming as well, since it looked so fun. The two ran about, attempting to avoid their own traps.

A net fell from a tree and they tripped over it, Evie almost falling into one of Marie's punji stake traps. Marie grabbed her about the waist just in time, hauling her back. "Dude! Careful! I sharpened those myself!"

The beasts had climbed out after the women and were looking on in some strange mix of amusement, confusion, and worry.

Finally, their own traps caught up with Evie and Marie. Triggering a rope, a net quickly snared the two, hauling them into the air.

Squished together, Marie tried to look at Evie and failed. "You know, we always could have just waited for them to walk into camp and shot them."

Evie was tugging on the ropes. "Yeah, I thought about that when they popped up in our bunker."

Marie smiled. "That's okay! I NEVER get to make punji stake traps! The day was not wasted!"

The women worked harder to get free, Marie reaching for one of her many knives, and Evie also searching Marie for a knife.

Just as Marie tugged one out, Martello reached up, tearing the ropes apart. As Marie fell, she squealed, not looking forward to the fall.

But, her tumble was interrupted as she was caught by two strong hands. Hanging upside down, she heard her rescuer give a triumphant noise, until he realized that he was holding her the wrong way.

Marie flailed a bit, annoyed. "I think the blood is rushing to my head. I can't feel my pinky toe!"

She was quickly righted and her captor/savior held her, clicking in a gleeful sounding way, holding her high above the ground.

Evie, however, was not so lucky. As Marie had fallen, she had gotten more tangled in the net. She had managed in her struggles to get upside down, one leg tied to one arm, with her other limbs, her outstretched left arm and right leg, supporting her weight. She whimpered. "Someone HEEEELP MEEEE!"

Marie flailed, trying to reach Evie. "Don't worry, doll face! I'mma coming for ya! Just don't move!"

Evie scowled, unable to do much more than twitch in her current position. "Ha. Ha. I laugh."

Marie began wiggling in Martello's grip, trying to turn around and get her knife in the ropes. The two strange things seemed to be talking to each other, paying her no mind. As Marie reached for the net, she missed, sending the whole contraption spinning.

This made Evie even more displeased. "Oh, god! Motion sick! Motion sick! Uuuugh…."

The black one, the one Marie had dubbed Ninja, made an amused noise, chittering as Evie went spinning. Marie glared at him, flinging her hard won knife at his head. It connected, but by the handle, making his mask, and maybe ears, ring. But, nothing else.

Ninja roared, charging for Marie. Martello roared back, changing his grip on Marie to hold her over his shoulder. The two began bickering, fighting to reach Marie. Marie, in the mean time, was desperately trying to fish out another knife.

Finding one, she crowed with delight. As Martello spun, avoiding Ninja's wrist blades once more, Marie flung her knife towards Evie. "HERE! CATCH!"

Evie shrieked as the knife went whizzing by her ear, lodging in a nearby tree. Flushed from hanging upside down, Evie yelled back. "YOU IDIOT! What was THAT for?"

Marie shrugged as best she could. "I was aiming for your hands. I have bad aim."

Finally, Martello seemed to talk some sense into Ninja. Though still irate, the shorter of the two strode towards the captive Evie, stopping her spinning.

Relief washed over her face as his blades sliced through the net and the stranger held her up, before gently dropping her to the ground.

Marie was held by her wrists now, being swung back and forth like a child. Looking over her shoulder, she frowned. "HEY! Ninja! You should step backwards."

Ninja looked at Marie, quirking his head. Unfortunately, he really should have listened to Marie's advice, as Evie bent over; spewing the contents of her stomach all over the black alien's feet. He jumped back, roaring angrily, clearly disgusted.

Marie shrugged as Martello began swinging her about by her waist. "I did warn him."


	11. The Greatest Warrior

Author's Note: Greetings! We come to bring you more hilarity and nonsense! Enjoy the continuing silliness of the Minivan Escapades!

Disclaimer: We own many things, just not THESE things.

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The Greatest Warrior

Camp had been set up once more. Evie and Marie sat at the fire, enjoying their dinner. It had been a few days since the "trap" incident and everyone was feeling much better. For the most part. Ninja was still a bit stand offish, but that was only to be expected.

Marie set down her bowl and spoon, sighing happily. Leaning back on her elbows, she watched the night sky. She and Evie had taken off their protective layers of thick clothing for the night, which left them in their tank tops.

A breeze went through the trees and the two girls hummed happily at the feeling. It had been getting a lot warmer and a breeze was very much needed.

Marie sat back up as Martello walked back into the camp. He came over and sat beside her, staring intently. Marie raised an eyebrow. "What, Martello? We finished eating, so you can't watch us chew. Sorry."

Martello just reached out a hand and grabbed her arm, holding it out to its full length, staring at the marks covering it. He used his other hand to point at them, tracing a few of the longer and bigger ones.

Marie shrugged. "They're just scars. Everyone has them. Okay, we probably have more than most, but still."

He pointed at them again, shaking her arm. Marie quirked her head. "Oh. I guess you want to know HOW I got them. Is that it?"

Martello nodded, pointing at some slash marks on her forearm. Marie thought back, to the beginning of the apocalypse. "Well, that was from the first Xeno I ever killed. It was still a pretty small, stupid one. Not a baby, but not full grown. Evie and I had stopped to get out of the car and stretch when it came at us."

Evie glanced over, interested that Marie was willing to share these stories with an alien creature, but not most humans. Marie continued on. "I'm not really sure what happened. I was still so weak and scared. I threw up my arm and that's where I got the scars from. I think I grabbed a shovel and went at it. All I really remember is the pain once its blood started spraying. That's where I got the stuff on my leg, too."

Marie lifted up her left pant leg, revealing burn scars on her calf, the marks continuing down her leg, disappearing into her boot. Martello reached out and poked the shiny skin, fascinated. Marie let him, unbothered. "I somehow managed to not lose my leg, though I've no idea how. Took me months to heal up. I guess that's the only thing those guys did right."

Evie's head jerked up, staring hard at her friend. Marie's mouth was a hard, thin line and she stared into the fire, light reflecting off of her glasses. Martello had set Marie's leg back down and he looked at her curiously, before reaching out and poking her face, where the scars on her lower left jaw were.

Marie smiled. "I think that story should be for another time. I'm not in the mood for a depressing story. It's too nice out. I can tell you about this one, though."

Marie pulled her bangs back and, when the light shone right, a small horizontal line in the middle of her forehead could be seen. She grinned. "It's not a very exciting story. I just happened to fall down the back porch steps when I was three and no one was watching me. Had to get stitches. At least, that's what my folks told me."

Evie giggled. Marie told that story a lot. "Hey, I got a good one for you. So, see that small mark, right there?"

Evie held up her right arm and pointed out a tiny mark, almost lost in the scar tissue surrounding it. "THAT is from when my mom told me that, if I picked my scabs too much, they'd scar. It was true!"

Marie laughed. "Yeah, I've got PLENTY of scab scars! But, THIS beauty is my pride and joy."

She lifted her pant leg once more and pointed out a scar about an inch long and half an inch wide. "I got THIS the second time I tried shaving, many years ago. I got better at it as time went on."

Evie nodded. "Yeah, I've got a few shaving scars here and there. Like this one!"

She lifted her own right pant leg, showing off a scar just below her knee. Lowering the cloth, she looked at Martello, who seemed deeply enthralled by their stories. She wondered if he could actually understand them. "I've also got this one funny one on my lower back. I fell in the shower and cut my back, right above my butt. My poor dad had to try and put a band-aid on it while I was still starkers!"

Marie laughed. "I LOVE that story! Poor Phillipe. I miss dad."

Martello lifted one arm, showing off the tiny marks all up and down his arm. Evie laughed while Marie fidgeted awkwardly. "You think that's bad? You wuss. Marie stabbed me with a fork years ago AND bit me while she still had braces on, all cus I tried taking her food a few times."

Martello held up his other arm as well. Both of the monstrously muscled limbs were covered in tiny marks, the healed skin a darker shade of reddish-brown than the rest of him. Evie nodded. "Yes, I suppose you do win in that contest. She hasn't stabbed me nearly as much. Then again, you're much sturdier than I."

Evie grinned as Marie blushed. "I haven't stabbed you in years! And they've faded now!"

The two girls laughed and the giant joined in, rumbling in pleasure at the camaraderie now shared around the campfire. They were interrupted by a gruff noise from above. Looking up, the three saw Ninja, lounging on a tree branch, clearly disapproving of the contest.

Evie smiled up at the grumpy alien. "Hey! Ninja! Do YOU have any spiffy scars?"

Ninja leaped from his perch, landing close to Evie, before proudly showing off his unblemished skin, chittering haughtily. Martello looked at his now splotchy arms and his shoulders slumped. Marie had to get up to her knees, but she managed to pat the moping alien on his shoulder. "It's okay, Martello. You should be happy you have so many scars!"

Martello perked up and Ninja lost some of his swagger. Evie nodded. "That's right! For YOU guys having scars is bad. But for humans, it's a sign of strength! Of being a great warrior!"

Marie grinned as Martello perked up, eyeing his scars from her anew. "Yup! I mean, if you survive something and only have a scar to show for it, what else can you take? You know?"

Martello made a strange noise, almost like purring, before whacking Marie on the shoulder. The girl fell over, barely managing to avoid face planting. She rolled over and back up into her previous position and whacked Martello back.

Ninja huffed, crossing his arms. Evie patted the ground in between her and Martello and the black alien eyed the patch of dirt warily. Shrugging, Evie turned away to watch Martello and Marie shoving each other back and forth. Martello was getting great amusement from knocking Marie to the ground and Marie enjoyed trying to tackle the vast behemoth.

Evie was laughing, about to call out some good tackling advice to her friend, when movement flickered in the corner of her eye. Ninja sat down next to her, careful to not sit TOO close. Evie frowned. When people sat far away from her, she felt the need to hug them. To make them feel better. They looked LONELY!

So, she edged closer. Ninja noticed and scootched the same distance away. This prompted Evie to attempt getting close once more. The game continued until Ninja was smooshed up against Martello, edging towards the red alien's lap.

Martello was still occupied with Marie and hadn't noticed the adventure going on next to him. Marie currently had her arms wrapped around his neck and her legs as far around his torso as they could go, trying to get him to fall backwards. It wasn't working. Marie cursed. "Fall, damn you! You great lug, you!"

Marie stopped her struggles when she felt something against her leg. Looking about Martello's rather large head, she found Ninja trying desperately to avoid Evie and her advances. Martello looked down as well, then made a gleeful noise to find Ninja close to him. Ninja was not a touchy feely person.

Evie gave up the pretense of subtlety, preferring the more direct method of making Ninja "feel better". She lunged forward, tackling the off balance alien. This set off a chain reaction of falling. Evie knocked Ninja over, he fell onto Martello's lap which pushed him off balance, and Marie went down shrieking like a banshee.

When the dust settled, Marie had the lower half of her body stuck underneath Martello, who was underneath Ninja, and Evie sat perched on top, giggling happily. Clapping her hands, she sang out. "DOOOG PIIILE!"

Marie groaned, being slowly crushed under the combined weight of the two aliens and her friend. "No! Not unless the big people are on bottom! Why am I always the one stuck at the bottom?"

Evie snorted, laughing hysterically, so much that she fell off of Ninja. Looking up, she smiled at Marie. "That's what SHE said!"


	12. Square Peg In A Round Hole

Author's Note: Male Readers. We apologize for the impending awkward. Squeamish female readers. MAN UP! You all know this happens.

In other news, these next few shots are going to be EPICALLY HILARIOUS. Are you prepared?

Disclaimer: Own nothing and no one.

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Square Peg in a Round Hole

Evie clutched her stomach, feeling absolutely miserable. "WHY did the apocalypse have to happen? NO ONE has ibuprofen anymore…"

Marie smiled merrily. "Well, at least tampons are still fairly easy to find! No one thinks about stealing THEM."

Evie glared viciously at her overly cheerful partner. "I HATE you. You do know that, right? You and your lack of cramps!"

Marie simply shrugged. "I've gotten cramps before."

"Like, three times! EVER! I get them every fucking month! With nothing to help ease the pain!"

Marie patted her shoulder. "Would you like some more tea?"

"Yeeessss….."

Nodding, Marie set about putting the teabag in Evie's designated cup and pouring the hot water in. Passing off the fragrant drink to her friend, Marie tried not to giggle as Evie snatched at it, hunched over and miserable.

Marie stood. "You gonna be okay for a little bit? I need to go and take care of business."

Evie grunted. "Yeah, yeah. Go and change. I'll sit here and hate the world and everyone in it. Not that there's many left to hate anymore."

Marie just laughed and went into the bushes. After a minute or so she emerged, wiping her hands and adjusting her pants. "Ah. Much better."

Marie sat back down and chuckled at Evie. Evie just hunched more, then flopped over on the ground, muttering angrily. "I HATE my period."

!)(#*&#_$(_#!&%_#(!%^_#$*!_(%&_#$(_#)(!_&_(!)$+_!$)%&!_#%&_!*_+)!#$*+!$!#*$%+!

Dho'mago'te slung his hammer onto his shoulder, surveying the battle ground. Looking about, he spotted Tvrtko a little ways away. He strode over, feeling how tired his body was. Not that he would ever show it. "Tvrtko! How was your battle?"

Tvrtko looked at him. "It went well. Though, I must admit I am concerned."

Dho'mago'te nodded. "I knew you would notice it as well. The _Kainde Amedha_ have been finding us much more often these past few days."

Tvrtko nodded. "And in greater and greater numbers. Do you have any information on things such as this? It seems deeply abnormal."

Dho'mago'te shook his head. "I've found nothing. I have no explanation for this. We haven't even been back to Dai'za'te's and Faru'qi's camp since this began. Perhaps now would be a good time for some respite and to check on them."

Tvrtko nodded and the two set back towards the general area that they knew the two females were in.

$(_#&)!+($#&+!(&%+(#^$!^!+_%)(*+!#$^&!)(#&%#%+)!#&%)&#)(%&+!#(*+!#%(*&!_#%

The two warriors finally made it back to camp. As they neared the soft glow of the campfire, they both perked up. Something was amiss. They looked at each, then charged forward. Dho'mago'te spoke first. "I think it is Faru'qi who is bleeding! Look, you can see her hunched over! How could this have happened?"

Tvrtko grunted. "I was certain no _Kainde Amedha_ got through. We had a tight net. It doesn't make sense."

Dho'mago'te nodded and they both ran to Faru'qi's side. She looked up at them, blinking, asking something. Tvrtko knelt down and began pulling the blanket off of her, checking over her arms and the rest of her body for obvious wounds. Finding nothing, he pulled at her clothing. "Dai'za'te could have bandaged the wound and it is hidden underneath here. But there's so much blood, I don't know how much longer she will survive."

Faru'qi was struggling, trying to get away from Tvrtko's search, howling out unpleasant things and reaching for her favorite burner. Dai'za'te came over, hands up, trying to speak with them.

Dho'mago'te turned, gazing in horror. "Dai'za'te! Why are YOU bleeding? Did you BOTH get injured? Let me see!"

He reached out and began running his hands over her, just as Tvrtko was doing to Faru'qi. Dai'za'te flailed at him, trying to get him to stop. Dho'mago'te growled. "Do not pretend you are fine! We can smell your blood! You are not warriors like us. It's all right for you to admit to your injuries!"

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This was not going at all how Marie had imagined it. Ninja was trying to strip Evie and Martello was trying to strip her. Now, she was all for being open and comfortable with people, but there were BOUNDARIES.

Finally, she got a hand free and smacked Martello upside the head as hard as she could. It hurt, cus of his damn mask, but it had the desired effect and he paused for a moment. Marie drew in a breath and unleashed her full vocal fury. "EVERYONE FREEZE! SHUT UP AND SIT DOWN! CEASE AND DESIST! THAT MEANS YOU, TOO, EVIE!"

Evie looked over. She had gotten her hands on a gun and was just about to pull the trigger, point blank against Ninja's torso. She frowned, but set the weapon down. Marie nodded, then pointed at the two aliens. "You two! Come here. Sit."

The two aliens obeyed and sat by the fire. Evie rearranged herself, glowering at everyone around. Marie sat as well, looking at the confused warriors. "Now then. Why are you both acting like bat shit crazy people? Don't you know that I'M the crazy one? Evie says so. We can't have more than ONE crazy person here, otherwise NOTHING would get done."

Dho'mago'te gestured at Evie and Marie, then played a recording. "Man down! Man down! He's bleeding out! Damn it, Jim! It's too late!"

Marie blinked, then smiled, turning to Evie. "Weeeell…. This is. Awkard."

Evie just glared. "I don't. CARE. Keep them AWAY."

Marie turned back to the worried males. "So. Yeah. Um… You see, gentleman. There comes a point in a human female's life…"

_#$)(&^+#_$#+($^+!#($%&!(&#%_!*&#_$%&#$(&!_%&!%&!_#(%&_!(%+#%(!+!_

Dho'mago'te was leaning in towards Dai'za'te, listening intently. Finally, she seemed to finish, looking at them expectantly. Dho'mago'te sat back, frowning. He turned to face Tvrtko. "From what I can translate, _ooman_ females become fertile very young. They show this fertility by bleeding every month. It is to keep them healthy and able to have young."

Tvrtko crossed his arms. "Are you telling me that this will happen EVERY MONTH? Do you have any idea how many _Kainde Amedha_ we will have to fight and kill because of this? Is there any way to stop it?"

Dho'mago'te shrugged. "I will ask."

He turned back to Dai'za'te and they had another exchange. This time, when Dho'mago'te turned back, Tvrtko worried at his tone of voice. Dho'mago'te clacked his mandibles quietly. "Tvrtko. My friend. There IS a way to stop it. But you will not like it."

Tvrtko bristled. "Tell me. I can take it! It can't be that bad."

Dho'mago'te sighed. "The only way to stop it is to have them impregnated."

Tvrtko frowned, looking over at Faru'qi and Dai'za'te, then back to Dho'mago'te. "NO. We will find _ooman_ males to take care of this… ISSUE."

Dho'mago'te shook his head. "My observations will be RUINED! We can't introduce males as a variable! Who KNOWS what would happen?"

"They will produce young and then we will not have to deal with this anymore and we can return to our post."

$!)(#%&!+#%(!&%(!&+^!+%$*!+_#(%&!(#+*%(!+_(#$&!%&!#+($*!+(#%&!+#_($*!+_#$

Marie and Evie watched as Martello and Ninja argued back and forth. Evie made herself another cup of tea and ignored everyone, while Marie frowned, trying to follow the warriors' conversation. "Evie. I don't think I like what they're saying."

"I don't care."

"But, they're saying something about babies!"

Evie stopped and looked up from her tea, glaring first at the aliens, then at Marie. "NEVER. I never want children, I never want to have sex, I never want to be married, and I will kill any man that touches me."

Marie held up her hands. "Yeah, yeah, I know. Me too. But, THEY don't know about… Yeah. Besides, I don't even know if we CAN get preggers anymore."

"Probably not. Best try and get them off this train of thought."

Marie nodded, turning back to Martello. "Hey! Guys! So, I know you wanna help and all, but I think you're going about it the wrong way. I'm pretty certain we can't have your babies anyway!"

!)(+#(^&!+%*!(%^!+#(^!#(%*!#%^&(#%*!+#_(&!+_#(&)(%^+*_%)&*(+$*%^($&#*%&!*

Dho'mago'te looked back over at Dai'za'te and he leaned in, listening. He frowned. "I think she is saying that they cannot bear our young. I'm not sure why. They seem similar enough to our females, at least from what I can tell without a closer inspection. Surely it could work?"

Tvrtko frowned. "Maybe they realized that we are far too good for them and know they aren't worthy to bear our young. We are WARRIORS, Dho'mago'te. Only outcasts have relations with inferior beings!"

Dho'mago'te frowned. "They are not inferior. Simply different. Look at how complex their language is! Perhaps almost like ours. Yes, they are primitive, but given time they can become much better prey."

Tvrtko just ignored him. "I'm not going along with this farce."

Standing straight, Dho'mago'te puffed out his chest, chittering angrily. "I shall prove that it will work! Come, Dai'za'te!"

!_#)_%^!#_%(!+(^&+#$_*^(+#^&%*_#!)#^%!*)#%+!#%(!%+!#$}!%!%(*!_()#(%&!+^

Evie smiled for the first time that evening as she watched Martello make some sort of boast and then advance towards Marie. "Hey. Marie. I think someone is going to try and prove you wrong."

"What? I'm never wrong!"

Marie stopped her boasts as she heard footsteps behind her. She turned and blinked as she came face to face with an advancing Martello. She held up one hand. "HALT!"

Martello stopped for a moment, confused, then continued coming forward. Marie took a step back. "NO! Bad! Back! Nein! Nunca! Non! Jigaimasu!"

For every denial she made, Marie took a step back and Martello took a step forward. Marie felt herself bump into a tree and she stood, without any idea of what to do. Suddenly, she spotted a squirrel and her train of thought was lost. "SQUIRREL! AFTER IT, AFTER IT, AFTER IT!"

Marie charged after the small rodent and Martello looked confused. Marie stopped and turned back. "Come, my squire! This night, glory awaits us! The squirrels shall fall before us! Let the hunt COMMENCE!"

Martello quirked his head, then spotted the squirrel as well. It chittered at him and he growled, unleashing his wrist blades and charging it. Marie howled in delight and the two ran off into the night, hard on the trail of the squirrels.

Evie sighed and sipped her tea. Her cramps were finally starting to ease, putting her in a much better humor. She looked over at Ninja and he was giving her a strange, almost speculative look. She quirked her head. "What?"

Ninja jerked, seeming to come out of some sort of trance, then turned back to his weapons. Evie shrugged and stared into the fire, content to ignore the world about her for awhile longer.

!)($^!+(^&+#(%&!#+_(%!%&!#^*%^*+#$_&(*%$+^_(*#$+($^(#$&^+#_$*^+#(^&

Meanwhile, Dho'mago'te had completely forgotten about how he was going to try and 'assist' Dai'za'te. He was too enraged by the insults that were being hurled against his mother by the small, evil creature. "My mother is a great warrior! Take it back, foul beast!"

The rodent chattered at him more and ran up a tree. Dho'mago'te saw red. "Don't say that about Dai'za'te! She is a fine and upstanding _Ooman_!"

He swung his hammer at the tree and it fell quickly. Dai'za'te finally caught up, then began dancing about and whooping excitedly. She ran forward and dug about in the fallen branches, finally pulling out the offending animal by its tail.

She ran over and patted his shoulder, then held up one hand, saying something. He looked at her and blinked, but held up one of his own hands. She quickly hit the flat of his hand with the flat of her hand, repeating the phrase, before skipping off, twirling the kill by its tail.

The warrior blinked, looking at his hand. "Hayee Fay'eeve?"


	13. Yo Mama!

Author's Note: It has arrived! The EPIC SQUIRREL HUNT. You shall soon see the epic hilarity involved in this. Enjoy!

Also, the one shot after this will be the next contest! We know you're excited.

Disclaimer: We own nothing. At all. Wait. Maybe a hat. I think we each own a hat.

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Yo Mama!

Tvrtko crouched, silent. He watched his prey as it moved stealthily along. It moved with a strange grace, tail whipping back and forth. It stopped. He tensed, gripping his spear. Soon, victory would be his.

The moment hit! He lunged, thrusting his spear forward into the beast's torso. It screeched and thrashed, but he held on grimly. Finally, it lay still. He pulled his spear from its corpse and howled out his victory.

He went over and quickly removed its skull and spine, reveling in spilling the blood of the evil ones. They were affronts to everything the Yautja stood for.

Suddenly, Dho'mago'te burst from the trees. "Tvrtko! I require your assistance! I am unable to chase the evil ones as you can! Harry them from the trees and I shall lay waste to them! They splatter nicely when I hit them with my hammer."

Tvrtko sighed. "Perhaps you should stick to other game. The evil ones are hard to catch, especially for one so much larger."

Dho'mago'te frowned. "Are you implying that I cannot kill these, these, pitiful snippets?"

Tvrtko smiled to himself. "But you just asked for my assistance."

"Fighting the evil ones is like fighting a queen. There is no shame in asking assistance. This is not a hunt. This is WAR."

Tvrtko pondered this, then nodded. "It is a sound plan. Let us go! There are Skweeralls to kill!"

!_^)(!*_#&%!(#^!(#%*!_#%^_#(%*(%^!(#%!+(+%&#^!#%)(!_#%+!_#%*^!&%!_#!

Tvrtko stalked the tree branches while Dho'mago'te smashed the Skweeralls unfortunate enough to land on the ground with him. The eradication was going well.

Tvrtko knocked a few down and killed a few more, reveling in the hunt. Suddenly, up ahead, there was a flash of white. Standing, silhouetted in the sunlight, was a white skweerall, a bit larger than the ones they had been hunting.

It leapt down, away from Tvrtko, chattering something. Tvrtko gaped. "WHAT did you say about my mother?"

The white beast landed, jumping to another tree, wrapping around the trunk, chattering at Dho'mago'te. The red giant roared, infuriated. "That is NOT true! Take it back!"

Dho'mago'te swung his hammer at the skweerall, failing to see that Tvrtko had landed in the tree above the taunting beast. As Dho'mago'te hit, the skweerall leapt away and the trunk shattered, sending Tvrtko down with the tree.

The tree hit Dho'mago'te and the two yautja warriors lay dazed upon the ground. Finally, they recovered enough to see the white skweerall chattering at them, MOCKING THEM, before it vanished into the woods.

The two warriors cried out together. "DA'YAM SKWEERALL!"

!)*(^!_%*^!#_!&#_%^!&_#(&!%_#(+$_^(#+^(#+$^&#$)(&+#$(%^+#($!%&_#*)%&_)

Some distance away, Marie looked up from her conversation with Kitty-chan, hearing a cry upon the wind. She quirked her head, then turned to Evie.

Evie glared at Marie. "I really wish you hadn't taught them that."

Marie pouted. "I have no idea what you're talking about. But, more importantly, WHY are they squirrel hunting without me? This must be remedied. I have a MISSION! To hunt down my arch nemesis! The terror of the tree! The horror of the woods! The great white squirrel! JIMBOB!"

Evie sighed, looking at Marie, who was striking a heroic pose. "Jimbob? Seriously?"

Marie slumped. "It's a NICE name. I think it suits him."

Evie chuckled. "I will laugh at you if Jimbob is actually a female. What will you call it THEN? Jimbobbina?"

"Nuhuh! She'd be Jeaniebee!"

Evie sighed. "I can never win with you."

Marie sulked. "I shall go forth and hunt my nemesis. You'll be SORRY when he kills me. Then you shall take up my mantle and slay him in revenge for my death! REVANCHE!"

Marie charged into the trees, in the opposite direction of where the sound had come from, howling at the top of her lungs. "DAMN SQUIRRELS! I'MMA FIND YOU, JIMBOB!"

Evie just smiled and went back to her book. Finally, peace and quiet. Then, out of nowhere, an acorn bopped into her head. She jerked up, staring about. In the trees, she thought she saw a flash of white.

!)(#&!_#%+!^+(+$%!&_(#(%^!&##%&(!&^+!#_(%&!^%+!#_!&%+!#%$!_(#%&^+(!#%_

Tvrtko and Dho'mago'te were heading back to camp, comparing the trophies they had gotten from that day's war on the skweeralls. They each had an even amount of trophies, as they had both done the work to catch the evil ones.

Out of nowhere, a new creature attacked, squawking viciously. The two stepped into defensive positions, pulling out weapons. Dho'mago'te blinked, recognizing the beast before them. "It is the white thing that Dai'za'te lost! She was very sad about it. We must take it alive!"

Tvrtko snorted, then stooped down to grab the weak looking thing. In a flurry of motion, the beast attacked, clawing and pecking him. It managed to snatch one of his trophies, the skull and spine of an evil one, before charging away from them, into the woods.

Tvrtko gaped as Dho'mago'te laughed. "Tvrtko! My friend! You have been bested by a tiny, flightless bird!"

Tvrtko scowled, whipped around, and punched Dho'mago'te in the gut. The black warrior stormed off into the woods again. "I'll be back later. I must kill another evil one."

!)(*#^%_!*)#%_#)(%&!_*^%_*&!_%^!#%*)!()#!&_*)%^!_%*&!_*#^%!_!_#))#*(

Author's End Note: So. Why squirrels? Because Predators chitter. What do squirrels do? Chitter. The Preds think they can understand squirrel. And that the squirrels are saying rude things about their mothers. Because in Yautja culture, females are highly respected. Not to be insulted. So, please, don't think we hate squirrels. It was just a sad twist of fate.

Ta ta!


	14. Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time

Author's Note: We do not promote the excessive use of alcohol! It's bad for you in large amounts. So. Yeah. Little doses, people!

CONTEST! YAY! Good job. So, your prey!

Prey: $_$

Hopefully by now, you all know the rules! So, good luck!

Disclaimer: We don't even own alcohol. :(

**1)**!_(&!+#(&%!+#(%&!#(%&!+#(&%_!(#%&+!#(&%!+(#%&!)(#&%+(!#&%+!#($*!+$#(#%&+!(#&%$*(^&#$(*%^#(&^_#$%&!(%&+!(#&%!+(#$*!+(&%+!_(#*!%+(&%!+_(#%$+!(#%&!+(#&!+(#+*!#+(%&!+(_%&!#+(%&!+(%&!+_(#%&!+_(*^+!$(!+_

It Seemed Like a Good Idea At the Time…

It had been an awful day. Caring for the graves of their family and friends, a miserable fight with Martello and Ninja, and topping it all off with sleeping in a ghost town with all their memories. A small fire was going in the fire place, flashlights and glow sticks hanging from the ceiling.

Evie and Marie were hunched near the fire, flipping through books and boxes filled with old photos. They had been tucked carefully away before everything had happened, so they were in good condition now. Easy to look at. Easy to remember.

Marie flipped through them quietly, broken from that afternoon. The realization of why her family was gone, who was to blame, broke her all over again. Evie didn't dare bother Marie. It wouldn't do any good. She would fight it out on her own.

Evie sighed, miserable. She had been starting to LIKE Ninja and Martello. But, now… She didn't know if she could forgive them. Not because they hunted humans, but because they didn't care of how their actions affected others. It was THEIR fault, if indirectly, that Marie was how she was. THEY had broken her.

"And me as well…" Evie slumped, gazing at the pictures of Marie's family sprawled out in front of her on the stained carpet. Suddenly, Marie stood up and jerkily made her way over to the kitchen area of the house. She dug around, pulled out a bottle, came over, and sat back down.

Evie noticed that Marie was clutching a bottle of some wine. Normally she would have taken the bottle from Marie. This wouldn't be the first time that Marie had tried to drink her memories and pain away. But, for once, Evie didn't have the heart to do what was right. It was just too cruel.

She watched as Marie wiggled the cork out and took a long swig of the red liquid. Marie coughed, stopped, then continued chugging the bottle. It was gone in a few minutes. Marie stood again, returning to her stash, coming back with several more bottles of various liquors.

Marie made her way through another bottle of wine, a wine cooler, the last bit of some tequila, three beers, and some scotch. By this point, the alcohol was hitting home. Marie was humming and rocking back and forth, a red flush to her face. Her eyes sparkled brightly, shiny with booze.

Evie saw how happy Marie was and noticed a few bottles near her. She sighed. "Oh, what the fuck ever. I'm done with this shit. Alcoholism in my family or not, I need some good old fashioned oblivion."

And so, Evie joined in the drinking binge. When the two had made it through all the booze Marie had brought out, they stood, stumbling towards the kitchen, taking everything they could, giggling hysterically.

They went back and fell over, some bottles breaking. They each got some cuts, but neither cared. They couldn't feel anything at all.

Marie groaned. "Heeeeeey Eeeevie…. I'm getting hoooot…"

Evie nodded. "S'too, too warm in here."

"Whatta we gon'do bout it?"

"I'onno…"

Marie stood, wobbling, and pulled off all her shirts, leaving her in an old, worn bra. "I's SHIRTLESS OCLOCK, bishes!"

Evie raised her fist in the air, then pulled off her own clothing. "I con-conquer! Concur! Tha's it! Whoo, shitless oclock!"

Marie plopped back down, her hand landing on a piece of glass. She stopped, blinked, and held up her hand, pulling the small shard from it. "Ow. Kissit be'er, Eeevie!"

"Nuhuh! M'not a vampeer!"

"Course not. Ya'rent SHINY."

Evie flailed and pushed the bloody hand away. "Tha' wasn' a vampeer! Was a fair! Wait… Fairy! Fairy. Fairies sparkle. And shiiiine."

Marie giggled and wiped her hand on the carpet. She stopped wiping and stared at it. "Hey. Hey Eeeevie! Do you 'member th' time I touched the 'lectric fence my ne'bors had? My HEART stopped! It was AWESOME."

Evie laughed. "Yeah! Was funny. Or, or the OTHER time you ran into the fence!"

"Wasn' mah fault. Gave YOU the flashlight."

"Mebbe wan'ering the woods at night wasn' a good plan."

"It was a GREAT plan. Dude. Ser', seroosly."

"Yeeaaaah…. Whoo, shitless oclock!"

Marie stood again. "Know wha' time it is now?"

"Wha?"

"PANTSLESS OCLOCK!"

Evie stood and pulled her pants off, twirling them in the air. "WHOOOOT!"

**2)**!#%&!+_(#%&+!#(!%&+#*!&+#_(%*&!_#*($%+!(#&!%+_#*%(!&#%^&!(*#%!&+_#$!(%!*&(#%_!(%!_()&!_^!+_!&(%&!_#)(!+#(%*!#$!_%(&!#(%!_(&#%)(&!%_#)!&)#&%^_#^!#*%!#&(!_^)&!_#%(&!^+$%!&(%_#)&^_!+#($*!####%_!

Dho'mago'te and Tvrtko perched on the roof of the house where Dai'za'te and Faru'qi were staying. Dho'mago'te was still deeply depressed from the afternoon. He hadn't even thought about it before. They had just been some _Pyode Amedha_, just _Oomans_. But… _Oomans_ weren't just prey.

Dho'mago'te shifted, turning to look at Tvrtko. He had told his friend what he had found out that afternoon. How his thoughts on the _Oomans_ had changed. Tvrtko hadn't said a word to him since. He decided to try again. "Tvrtko? Do you think they are still angry with us?"

Raucous noise burst from beneath them, then subsided. Tvrtko shifted as well. "Probably."

This made Dho'mago'te feel both better and worse. At least Tvrtko was speaking to him now. "Should we check on them?"

"They'll be fine."

"Oh…"

Tvrtko looked over at the moping warrior and sighed. "But, we can check on them anyway. Perhaps they're asleep. We should cloak, just in case."

Dho'mago'te brightened a little bit, but still looked wretched. The two cloaked and hopped off the low roof, slipping through a hole in the wall. They were stunned by what they saw. Glass was everywhere, the females were making strange noises, and were mostly nude.

The two just stared and uncloaked, horribly confused. They had NEVER seen the females like this before. They had been very adamant about the warriors seeing nothing of their skin. And now almost EVERYTHING was uncovered. They just had a few bits of cloth on their torsos and groins.

Dho'mago'te stepped forward and noticed blood on the floor. _Ooman_ blood. He hurried forward and knelt next to Dai'za'te cautiously, not wanting to be injured, but concerned anyway. "Dai'za'te? Are you all right? You have many cuts."

Dai'za'te turned to him and bared her teeth, rambling in _Ooman_, but in no dialect he'd EVER heard before. She held out a bottle and shook it at him. He took it and she patted his arm, turning away. Dho'mago'te chattered excitedly.

Turning, he waved Tvrtko over. "Tvrtko! She has given a peace offering! She welcomes us once more! Come, we must drink this, or risk offending them! This is a tentative peace."

Tvrtko frowned. "I will not partake of _ooman_ filth."

"But, you must! Your relationship with Faru'qi is on the line!"

"There is no relationship, you fool! What are you talking about?"

Suddenly, Faru'qi was standing in front of Tvrtko, a bit off balance. She also bared her teeth, speaking in the same dialect, handing Tvrtko another bottle. More like shoved it into his hands. Then, she turned and walked back to her spot, and toppled over, getting more cuts, giggling all the while.

Tvrtko looked at it, then at Faru'qi, then removed his mask. He sat next to Faru'qi, setting his mask next to him. He sniffed at the bottle, clattering his mandibles, then tilting his head and the bottle, swallowing some of the liquid.

Tvrtko made a small coughing noise, looking at the clear liquid. He looked over at Dho'mago'te. "I don't know what this is, but I didn't think _Oomans_ could handle alcohol this strong. It's almost as good as ours."

Dho'mago'te had also sat down next to Dai'za'te, removing his mask. The red behemoth shrugged and took a huge drink. He blinked, pounded his chest once, then chittered gleefully. "It IS!"

**3)**!)($!&_(^%!&^(&^!#$(%&!_(!%(#&^_!&$_^&(!$(&^_%&!(*^&#%(*!)#%)*!(#$^&!#(*%!_(#%*_%&!#)(%&!_(#%)&!#)%^!_)$&^_^&!_#$&(!_$^#$)(!&#$)!)#*(%&!_^(!+#%(!&#$%^(#$*^+!(#&$%^+!_(&#$%^+!_(%&!+_(#%&+!(#%&!+#(%+#)(%&+!

Marie blinked, staring at Martello in fascination. "Hey. Hey Eeeevie. I'm not seeing man-madibabulars again, am I? Mandibubbles?"

Evie was busy staring at Ninja. "Mandiblubber?"

"Like SEALS? And, and PENGUINS?"

"No, no… Like, like CRABS. Like the disease you get from DEAD people if you sex 'em up!"

Marie shook her head, sloshing some of her drink out. "No, no I think that's like, like LICE for, you know, DOWN BELOW. "

"Ooooh. I know! Like the FISH. I HATE fish."

"No, no. They're not… NOT fish. They're crusty, crustacean, CRETACIOUS. Like, they have shells and stuff!"

"Ooooh. Okay. They look like. Li'e they're SMILIN'! They's HAPPY!"

"Yeah!"

Evie got to her knees and scooched towards Ninja, who had gotten through a few bottles of vodka on his own. He was looking a little wobbly, but hiding it well. Evie leaned in, staring intently at his mandibles. He chittered at her and she smiled, reaching out and poking his lower left one.

Ninja jumped, staring at her, and she giggled. "You. You have PRETTY eyes. Has an'body tol' you tha'? Preeeetty."

Evie then fell forward, the side of her head accidentally hitting Ninja's codpiece. He jumped again, startled. Evie blinked. "Oooow… S'HARD."

Marie cackled and toppled over into Dho'mago'te. "Tha's what SHE said!"

Evie waved an arm at her laughing friend. "Shush! Still has PANTS on. Hey! Hey you! Din't you know is SHIRTLESS OCLOCK?"

Marie hollered out as well. "AND Pan'sless 'clock!"

Evie shook her head, awkwardly close to certain… Areas. "Nooo… Can' be BOTH. Doesn' make SENSE. You CRAZY."

"Does TOO! See? There's TWO clocks!"

"Ooooh… Yeah. Tha' makes sense. Goo' job."

Evie shifted, trying to push herself up, but pushing herself up by supporting her weight on poor Ninja's codpiece. "Sorry. SCUUUUUSE me!"

Ninja twitched, looking confused, mandibles clacking quickly. Evie giggled and flopped the other way, cuddling an empty bottle. Meanwhile, Marie was staring intently at Martello. He looked at her, quirking his head.

Marie poked his forehead. "YOU! Are breaking th' rules!"

Martello blinked.

Marie poked his forehead again. "'S Shir'less o clock, fool! Take yer shirt off!"

Martello quirked his head, looking down at his bare torso. Marie reached out and began tugging on his shoulder guards. "Take it off! You, you HOBO!"

Martello nodded his head, removing his shoulder guards and most of his other armor. Marie nodded, pleased. "Good! Veeeeery good! Now, let the festivus BEGIN! WINE AND BEER!"

As Marie stood to make a grand gesture, gravity plotted against her and toppled her backwards, landing on top of Evie. Evie squealed and the two rolled about, giggling, covered in glass and other bad things.

Marie looked up once more, and noticed that Ninja was still wearing all of his armor. She pointed at him, attempting to extricate herself from Evie's choke hold. "YOU! Strip! Now!"

**4)**!^_$(#$_)(#*$_(%^#&$)%(*#$&^)(%&#_($&!%_&%!)*#$%*!(%&!_^!_%&!^!#(%*!_#)(&^(&!#(%*!(*^&(!#$*%_^$_$&_!#(%*_$&(^!(#$)%&_!&(_!$)_!_)!%&!+#)(%!+_#(%&!_#(&!#)(%!)(#%$+!(#*&%_!#)(&%_!#)*%!%*+!(#%&!(#%*&++!#(*!_%

Tvrtko crossed his arms. He wanted no further part in these… distractions. He finished the bottle he was holding and set it aside, refusing to take any more. Dho'mago'te was watching Dai'za'te and Faru'qi in amusement, then noticed Tvrtko.

Dho'mago'te frowned. "Tvrtko, my friend. Why are you still in your armor? Come, relax. All is well."

Tvrtko growled. "All is NOT well. Should the _Kainde Amedha_ attack, I will be the only one ready to fight them. You are all being careless."

Dho'mago'te smiled. "Come, Tvrtko. You are being overly cautious. We scouted earlier and saw no signs of our foes. It's just as if we were on ship."

Tvrtko hit his leg with his fist. "It is NOT. Do not compare this to being upon our ship. We are in enemy territory."

Dho'mago'te's smile got wider. "You're just SCARED."

Ninja frowned. "Of what?"

"YOU don't know how Faru'qi will respond to you in all your… You-ness."

"That makes no sense!"

Dho'mago'te leaned back, stretching out. "Afraid your 'pet' will find you less than amicable to her senses?"

Tvrtko snarled. "Lies!"

"Prove it."  
**5)**!(#%)&!_#(&!#_(^&!#%(*!#(^&!#(*%!(#&%!_(#$*!_(#*_$*!_#($_!)(&%_!(^&_!(%&*_!(^&^&(!%&(!#&%!_#%&!(%&_^&!_(%&!_#)(%&!_)(#%&!_#%)&!_#)!)#(%&!$^*(!_#%*!(&#%*)!_#)($*%!(#^_&#_%!#(&!_$*(!_#)(%+_)#$^+_#*^$#%^_(*#$^

Marie was still busy trying to get over to Ninja, in order to ensure the removal of his garb. "Evie! You poopface! Lemme go!"

Evie clutched Marie's torso. "My face isn' maded of poop! Dun go! Snuuuuglleee!"

Marie pushed on Evie's head. "I will snuggles with you later! Mus' make Ninja comply with Shir'less an Pans'less o clock!"

"But, I waannaaa SNUUUUGLEE!"

Marie had almost gotten away from Evie's death grip, when a flying chunk of metal hit Evie on the back of her head. Evie plopped down, rubbing her head. "Oooowwiiieeee!"

Marie blinked, looking over. Ninja had just finished flinging his clothes and armor off, clad only in his loincloth, and was reaching for another bottle of vodka. Marie clapped. "Whoo! Take it off! Take it all off! If I had dollar bills, I'd give them to you! But I don't. So. Whooo!"

Evie poked Marie's leg. "Snuggles?"

Marie flopped down, wrapping her arms around Evie. "Hokay. Snuggles."

"You're smooooshing meeeee! Cannae breeeaathe."

Marie scowled, rolling away. "Fine! I'll go snuggles with HIM!"

"Bu', tha's a couch!"

"At least it won' move! Prolly."

Evie reached up and pulled Marie back down. "Snuggles! No smoosh, snuggles!"

"Fiiiine."

The two lay together, cuddled close, while Ninja continued consuming the alcohol left to him and Martello was busy recording the interactions and speaking into his wrist band.

Suddenly, Marie began singing. "I feel PREEETYYY! Oh so PREEETYYY!"

Evie groaned. "I feel… SICK."

"Dun puke on me. Go puke over there. If you puke on me, I won' snuggle wichu again."

"SNUUUUUGLEEEES!"

Marie sighed dramatically. "So picky! Picky picky. Yer hot an' yer cold, yer yes an' yer no!"

Evie groaned again. "I dun liiiike tha' song!"

Marie was ready to verbally abuse Evie again, when she noticed Martello watching them intensely. She pointed at him. "YOU! Yeah, you! Studly one! Come hither!"

Marie proceeded to make a face that she assumed was terribly sexy, but was, in actuality, just very dumb looking. Not that she cared right then.

Martello looked about, then pointed at himself. Marie nodded vigorously. "Yeah! I wanna snuggle wichu!"

Martello stood, looking terribly proud, and, with a haughty glance over at Ninja, sidled over and settled down next to Marie. She rolled over and glomped him, sighing happily, head thumped on his shoulder, one leg tossed over his torso.

Evie rolled to Marie, latching onto her. "Bu- but you're MYYY snuggle buddy! Who I snuggle with now?"

Marie flailed her arm over her shoulder. "Go snuggle with tha' one. Boys are better to snuggle. Girls are too squishy."

Marie poked Evie's boob to emphasize how squishy girls are. Evie crossed her arms. "Dun poke my boooobs!"

"Boys whine less, too!"

"Nuhuh! I dun wanna snuggle with Ninja, he looks GRUMPY. You dun snuggle grumpy people."

Marie glared, then looked to Ninja, who was chugging yet another bottle of booze. She pointed. "Hey! YOU! Ninja! Dun be grumpy! Now, snuggle with Whinybutt Poopface!"

Evie wailed. "Tha's not my NAME! My name is prettier! An' doesn' smell bad!"

Marie shrugged. "Details, details."

Ninja ignored the ruckus and continued his drinking binge. Marie pouted. "YOU PANSY! Get over here an' snuggle with Evie! What, afraid of a half naked woman?"

Ninja stopped, seeming to know he'd been called out, and glowered at the inebriated Marie. She smiled. "Hey, Evie prolly won' puke on you. Maybe. An' if she does, you're used to it. An' you're not wearing clothes anyway."

Martello looked up, speaking to Ninja in their strange language and Ninja slumped and nodded. The black warrior chugged one final bottle, then came over, curling next to Evie.

Evie sniffled, pouting. "You still look grumpy! I dun wanna snuggle grumpy people!"

Marie was almost unconscious, but had enough strength left to fling a sock at Ninja. "You bum! Dun be grumpy! Most men would be THRILLED to snuggle with drunk, sexy, half naked women. Asides, 's not grumpy o clock! So, stop it!"

Ninja chattered, and inched forward slightly, almost cringing as he neared Evie. Evie pouted, almost in tears. Marie had had enough. Rolling over, she shoved Evie into Ninja. Scooching forward, she ensured that Evie and Ninja were close enough together for her tastes.

Nodding, she motioned Martello over and she placed her back against Evie's, collapsing onto Martello once again. "Hokay. Everyone happy? Good. If you're not, I dun care. BE HAPPY. I go sleepy bye now. Wake me up an' I'mma hobo shank you with a bottle. Nigh nigh!"

**6)**!)(#*%!_#*^_!(^*_!(%&!_(#%&^(&!#(%*!#$^%&!(#&(!#)!%(#%&!#)(&%(!&#^!#%&!#%(!_^&!_&%(&#*$%!&#)(&%!)(&!)(#&%!#%_)(!&*%^!&_(%*&!)(#%&!_#&_$(*!_#!%(*&$*^&_#%(!*_#$%&_!#(!%*(%&_#)$(!%_#%&!+(#%

Dho'mago'te sighed happily. "Aren't _Oomans_ fun? I never knew Dai'za'te could sing! It is quite nice."

Tvrtko said nothing. His mandibles twitched and he reached for a bottle, chugging down the contents. "Why can't _Ooman_ drinks be stronger?"

**7)**!#*&!_^_!(#%&!_(^&!_(#%!_(&%!_(#%*!_$&(^!_#%)(&!#)(%^!_(&!%*!(^&!#_(%&!_#(&!^(&!#)%&!#_(%&!(%&#%!(*#%&!#(%&!#%)(&!#_(%&_%&!_!_)!)(#&%!_#(%!_#$(!_%&!_#$%*!%*!_#%&(!%^_#)(*$_!#($*_!%(&!_#!_%(*!_(#&%!*^&!_#%!_

Author's End Note: WE LOVED THIS. It is UTTERLY, unredeemably, ridiculous. This is about as crazy as we're gonna get. So, if you like it, savor it. If you didn't, rejoice. Either way, review!

We shall have a contest winner soon! Ta ta!


	15. Awkward Jellyfish

Author's Note: We have a contest winner! Congrats QuickStar! Also, we're going to be doing different contests here soon, because we're tired of hunt and finds. They're too much work and we're lazy. So, keep reviewing, and we'll have a new contest for you soon! Thanks to everyone that participated!

Disclaimer: We own nothing. But we love James Cameron for giving Preds Mandibles. ^_^

!_(&!+#(&%!+#(%&!#(%&!+#(&%_!(#%&+!#(&%!+(#%&!)(#&%+(!#&%+!#($*!+$#(#%

Awkward Jellyfish

Marie slowly came around, waking up with a groan. Her head pounded and she kept her eyes shut, wishing to avoid the light coming in the windows. She stretched, feeling the myriad of small cuts on her person, wondering how they'd gotten there.

Blinking, she righted her glasses, as they'd gone askew during her slumber. She tried sitting up but a combination of gravity, headache, and a weight on her torso made her unable to do so. Sprawled on her back, she wondered how the rest of her body looked.

She brought a hand up and began poking at herself, finding small shards of glass stuck in her all over the place, and prying them out. She mumbled to herself as she did. "Ow. Ow. Ow. Owie."

Wiggling, she was finally able to sit up. Holding her head, she squinted, looking about her. She spotted a foot and began poking at it. Her face furrowed in consternation. "I do believe that I am incapable of feeling my foot. This can't be a good thing."

"That's MY foot, you twit. Now stop that, it tickles."

Marie began to laugh, but it petered off in a groan as her head throbbed. Looking over to her left, she saw Evie coming back to consciousness. Marie blinked, quirking her head. "Evie. Darling. Where ever did you leave your pants? And, for that matter, your shirt?"

Evie blinked, looking down at herself. Looking up, she locked pained gazes with Marie. "I… Don't remember ANYTHING about the night before. Something about clocks?"

Marie pondered this, rubbing her chin. She scowled. "If only I had a beard, this would look much cooler… And I don't remember much, either. I remember being at home, then the graves, then getting upset and running away… Martello brought me back to you. What else?"

Evie looked about at all the bottles in the room and began picking glass from her own skin. "Well. I imagine we got drunk as skunks. The amount of glass seems to suggest a whole hell of a lot of alcohol."

Marie nodded. "I see your pants. Where are mine? Oh, there they are. How did they get in the dishwasher? Not important. Shirts."

Suddenly, Evie was accosted in a firm grip. She squeaked, trying to flail as arms wrapped around her torso, coming dangerously close to her boobs. Evie struggled, trying to get away from whoever was snuggling her.

Marie was horribly confused at Evie's predicament, when she felt something around her waist and was abruptly pulled back down. Blinking, she looked down at the red arm wrapped around her hips, pulling her close.

The two women stopped, looked at each other, matching visages of horror on their faces. Marie whispered in the horribly awkward silence. "Evie. Do you know anyone ELSE that has a red arm?"

Evie shook her head. "Do YOU know anyone else with a black arm?"

"Not one that would snuggle with you. Xenos tend to kill first, teabag later."

They sat there blinking at each other, the haze of pain lifting from them slowly. Marie gulped and turned back around, gazing at the torso behind her. She twitched, then abruptly turned back about. "Evie… WHY is he almost naked too? Does this mean we have to do a walk of shame? I don't know if it matters since everyone is dead..."

Evie shut her eyes. "I'm not even going to look. I'm going to pretend everything is fine and he's wearing clothing. Lots of it. Copious amounts."

Marie leaned over, checked, and looked to Evie again. "I'm pretty certain he's almost starkers, too. Sorry to burst your bubble."

Evie whimpered, covering her eyes. "If I can't see anything, it's not there."

Evie squeaked again as she was tugged close and a black leg tossed itself over her hip. Marie almost giggled. "I think your plan isn't working."

"Silence!"

Marie brushed her hair out of her face, then stopped. "Hey. They're almost naked, yeah?"

"NO! It's a LIE. A filthy, awful lie. Of LYING."

"Hush your face. We've established the nudity in this room as fact. Anyway, my original point. They're not wearing armor or anything. Think they're wearing their mask, helmet thingy doodles?"

Evie opened one eye and peered through her hands, before shutting her eye again and pointing. "Considering there's a mask by your foot, I'm going to say no. I think it's Martello's. Look at the markings on it."

Marie looked and nodded, squaring herself for the ordeal ahead. Clenching her teeth, she turned towards the red alien cuddling her and sought his head. She found it.

Evie was worried as Marie stopped moving, stock still in the grasp of Martello. Slowly, Marie turned about, almost white. Evie struggled to sit up. "What is it? What's the matter?"

"I think…. I saw a mandible. Or two. Or four."

Evie froze, then turned about herself. She came face to face with Ninja's torso, then looked up. She choked on a scream, whimpering. Ninja pulled her closer, nuzzling into Evie's hair. She squealed, flailing as much as she could, which wasn't very much. "Marie! Help me! Good god, I'm being cuddled by a giant CRAB!"

Marie attempted to get over there, but was stopped momentarily by Martello's grip. She frowned, pushing at the offending arm. "Hey, you! Get offa me! I need to rescue Evie. Besides that, you're smooshing my bladder. Don't MAKE me pee on you!"

Martello grunted and grumbled something, squeezing Marie close and nuzzling against her side, then his arm slipped off and he tucked it behind his head. Marie nodded. "Good job. At least you listen well."

Standing, Marie took the few steps needed to get to Evie. Hangover still pounding in the back of her head, Marie was in no mood to deal with shenanigans such as these. "Hey. Ninja. We're mad at you. Remember? Get your fat ass off of Evie."

Ninja looked up, blinking slowly. He growled, then settled back down, clutching Evie to him like an oversized teddy bear. Evie coughed. "Canna! Breathe! Hep! Jeebus!"

Marie scowled. "My name is MARIE, Evie. You're not THAT oxygen deprived. Now, hang on."

Marie looked about at the grip that Ninja had on Evie and contemplated. Then, she lifted up a leg, and stomped him in the side, close to the fresh bullet wound. Ninja jolted up, snarling and roaring, releasing Evie.

Evie took her chance and skittered away, attempting to grab her clothing. Marie darted around a slowly moving Ninja, grabbing her shirt and undershirt. Unfortunately, she had no chance to grab her pants from the dishwasher before Ninja barreled towards her.

Eeping, Marie ran and fled to Evie, who was waving at her from behind a door. Sprinting forward, Marie dove in. Panting, she tugged on her undershirt and one over shirt before the door began splintering.

Marie gazed at Evie "What are we going to do?"

Evie stared back, solemn. "Marie. You KNOW what we have to do."

Marie nodded. "It's time for that? I was wondering when it would come up."

"Yes. It is time… for PLAN B."

!%(!#_%^_$(*&!_#%&!#_(&%!#&%!_#$&(#%_)%&!_%(#*%#&%_!#%!*(#%&!_#$*&!_#*)&

Tvrtko snarled and punched the door keeping him from the crazy females. His mandibles flared and he roared, punching the door again. It cracked and he pulled his leg up, kicking the door from its frame.

He stormed in, looking about. He would teach Dai'za'te not to meddle with sleeping Yautja. Suddenly, said _ooman_ dove under and through his legs, sliding down the hall and rolling, before standing and running off once more.

He turned to reach after Dai'za'te, when Faru'qi whipped past him, slipping out of his reach just in time. He charged after them again and he heard Dai'za'te yell something. Tvrtko readied himself to make the small jump over Dho'mago'te, when the red warrior sat up.

Tvrtko stumbled into him and two rolled about in a tangle of black and red limbs. They extricated themselves quickly, just in time to watch Dai'za'te and Faru'qi leap out a window, yelling something about a "Playane Bey."

Tvrtko roared and stood, grabbing his armor and weapons, adjusting them quickly and charging out the window, shattering it from the wall. Dho'mago'te blinked, confused. "Are we not snuggling anymore?"

!(#&%_!*&!#)(%*!_#$*(%&!_%(*!#)%&!_#$)(&!_#%)!_#%&!#*%^#*&$_!$*&!_#)(!&_#)

Marie and Evie panted, running through the woods. Marie cursed. "Damn it all! I wish I'd had enough time to grab my pants! And shoes! These pinecones are KILLING my feet!"

Evie gulped. "We don't have time to worry about that now! You'll be fine!"

"Says you! You're the one with PANTS ON! There's poison ivy in here!"

The two women heard the roar behind them and easily recognized it as Ninja's unhappy voice. They separated and went off, agreeing to meet back up at Marie's old house, to run for Goners.

Marie panted and slowed. She was not designed for long distance speed running. "I'm like a dwarf, damn you all! Good for sprints!"

Leaning against a tree, Marie smiled. It had been a long time since she'd run through these familiar trees. Sure, she was running away from an infuriated alien warrior that wanted to take her skull, but that wasn't the point. The point was that, for the first time in a long time, she was home.

She heard clattering behind her and she took off again, recognizing the flash of dark red amongst the green and brown trees. Charging off, she slowed, keeping herself from tumbling off a small cliff and onto the rocks in the ravine below.

Pouting, she looked about. She heard Martello getting closer. Sighing, Marie ran for a tree and pulled herself up onto the lowest branch. She clambered up the tree as quickly as she could, until the branches creaked ominously under her weight.

Martello entered the clearing, looking up at the woman in the tree. He quirked his head in an infuriatingly adorable manner and held up his wrist. The record resounded in the trees. "Snuggles?"

Marie scowled. "No! No, no, no and NOOO!"

In her shouting, she had flailed out at the alien below, almost falling from her perch in the tree. Gulping, she clutched at the trunk, feeling the contents of her stomach lurch. "I shouldn't puke up all that fine, fine booze."

Still clinging to the trunk, Marie readied herself for a round of Shakespearean insults, when Evie's screams resounded through the woods. "PUT ME DOWN! YOU FUCKER! I AM NOT A MOLESTABLE PLAY TOY AND I WILL NEVER SNUGGLE WITH YOU AGAIN!"

Ninja strolled into the clearing with Evie slung over a shoulder. Evie clearly did not approve of this and was flailing wildly, trying to escape. Martello said something to Ninja, then looked back up in the tree, pointing.

Evie stopped shrieking momentarily to look up and paused. Then, she began snickering. "We have a nice view from down here!"

Marie scowled. "This wouldn't have happened if you'd grabbed my pants!"

"You should have grabbed your own pants!"

"YOU were closer!"

The argument continued, much to the amusement of Ninja and Martello. Ninja said something, then tossed Evie to Martello. Ninja then began climbing the tree that Marie was in. She squeaked. "No! No! Stay down! BAD ALIEN! BAD!"

Suddenly, an acorn pinged off of Ninja's mask. He paused and looked up. Shining in the tree tops was glossy white fur. Jimbob had arrived on the scene.

Marie gaped. "Jimbob! My arch nemesis! Have you come to mock me in my hour of suffering and need?"

Jimbob hopped down and landed beside her, looking up. Then, he offered her an acorn. Marie blinked, and took the proffered nut. "Do you mean to say that you wish to make a truce with me? And be my brother in arms?"

Jimbob snatched up another acorn and hit Ninja in the head once more. Marie's eyes filled with tears of joy. "My friend! My comrade! How could I have misjudged you so? Never again shall I hunt squirrels, in honor of your valorous deed on my behalf, in my hour of panstlessness."

Jimbob nodded and leapt down, bouncing off of Ninja's head. Ninja snarled and tried to grab the white blur, but failed. Martello dropped Evie and ran after Jimbob and Ninja leapt down, tearing after the offending rodent.

Marie climbed down, wiping tears from her eyes. Evie giggled. "Thanks, Jeaniebee!"

Suddenly, an acorn smacked Evie in the head. "OW!"

Marie sniffed and headed back towards the house where they had stayed the previous night. "It seems I was correct and Jimbob is male and does not appreciate being called otherwise. I'll see you at the van. I'mma go put my damn pants on."


	16. Deus Ex Machina?

Author's Note: Hello again! Sorry for the slow updates on Minivan, but we figured you all would appreciate having a Hero chapter up over a one shot. But, we persevere for you! Behold!

Disclaimer: We own nothing. Srsly.

!)#%*!)%(!)$*^)#%^_#$*^)#%)$%(_#*$)!%^&#$(#%)!#_%*!)#*!%(_!)&#$*^#%(_!#*^&!)#%(!^)#$*^!_%

Deus Ex Machina?

Marvin knew he was doomed. It was quite obvious. He had designed this stronghold to withstand a zombie horde, not an alien one.

He sat in his control room, gazing out upon his overrun domain. The Xenomorph screams echoed in his tower and he could smell the melting metal of his door.

Sighing, he reached for his port. Taking a sip, he pulled a handgun from where he had kept it stashed. Contemplating the weapon, he took another sip of his drink.

He sighed, and pressed a button on his console. Immediately, a video began playing. It was of the past Christmas, and the lovely performance that had been Genevieve and Marie's gift to him. They really did have lovely voices.

He finished his port and placed the handgun to his temple. The beasts would be through any minute now. He did so wish that he could have said goodbye to the girls. They were very nice.

He shut his eyes, listening to the sweet sounds of Christmas songs over the shrieks of the aliens, and placed his finger on the trigger.

"HALT!"

Marvin started, pulling the gun away from him, staring about wildly. He wondered if he was hearing things, because he could have sworn that he had heard a distinctly female voice.

Whirling about, he came face to face with a woman who appeared to be wearing the outfit of a punk rock doctor. He blinked, confused. He couldn't recall letting someone like this into his complex, much less his control room. Perhaps he was going mad from the fear of being dragged off by the Xenomorphs?

The woman quirked her head, her black streaked blonde hair just brushing her chin, tiny pigtails bobbing about ridiculously atop her head. She frowned at him, huffing her blue streaked bangs out of her eyes. "Whacha lookin' at? Got a problem with me?"

Marvin frowned back. "No, I've just never seen you before. However did you get in here, Miss…?"

"Geranium P. Carrol. Don't ask what the P is for, I won't tell you. But, you may call me Gera."

Marvin sniffed, standing and brushing off his white, button up shirt. "I could never call a lady something so casually. We're not nearly well acquainted enough. I shall refer to you as Geranium and leave off the Miss, however. I've come to learn ladies appreciate that in this age. And I am Sir Marvin Michael Geraldo Reynolds V, PhD."

Gera blinked, then nodded. "Lovely. So, I noticed you're in a bit of a predicament here. What, with the aliens about to pop through that door of yours to eat you or whatever."

Marvin nodded gravely. "It is something to be concerned about."

Gera smiled for the first time. "But, I have a solution for you! If you come with me, you'll live."

Marvin quirked an eyebrow at her. "Come with you to where, exactly?"

"To my domain. I've noticed your excellent work with machinery, as well as security, and I wanted an extra hand about my lab. You seem an intelligent sort, so I figured I would ask before you got killed."

"Terribly nice of you. Now, where IS this domain of yours?"

Gera shrugged, waving a hand. "Oh, here and there and everwhere. I'd love to explain it all to you, but we're a bit short on time. So. COME WITH ME IF YOU WANT TO LIVE!"

Marvin blinked at her last pronouncement and the pose she had struck with it. He coughed and cleared his throat. "Well, yes, that does sound agreeable. Will I be able to bring a few things?"

Gera nodded distractedly, busily fussing with a cell phone. She dialed a few numbers, then motioned him over. He complied and she linked arms with him. He blinked, startled by her forwardness.

She snorted at him. "Don't worry, I wouldn't touch you if I didn't have to."

Just as the Xenomorphs screamed their victory, tearing into the room, the two humans vanished in a flash of light, leaving only a small, charred ring where they had once been standing.

!)*#$)^&!#%#_$)^#$_%*^)#%^!*&)^%_#(*^)!)#%_(!*#$&^)!#%_(!_%*^)#$*!_#^%(#$_^*!#_%(!#$*)^

End Author's Note: For the record! Marv and Gera are now solely Minivan characters. You'll hear nothing of them, or their adventures, in Hero. So, don't be confused when their exploits aren't mentioned in Hero. Aight? Aight.


	17. No Touchy!

Author's Note: AND NOW. For something completely different.

Also, because of the lack of interest in our contests, we are putting them on hold until our fragile manly egos have time to heal. So, maybe when we get 100 reviews. Until then, no more contests. Unless you people pitch enough fits. Then we may consider it. Maybe.

Disclaimer: We own nothing. Not even our souls. We traded them. We won't tell you for what. DAMN YOU, L. U. CIFER666! And damn Amazon,com too! They lied!

!)#$%&^&#*%(%&!#)%!)$^T&!#)%(!)#$&%)*(!)(#*%!&#%)(*!$)^!&$(#%*!#$)^&#)%&!#($^&#*%)!&%!)#%*&!#%^)(*!#%$&(

No Touchy!

The cloaked ship landed silently in the clearing, barely stirring up a breeze. Inside the alien vessel, Dho'mago'te stood and stretched, anxious to be out of the small space and on the move. He hated the long cold periods this planet had.

Tvrtko stood as well and the two stepped out of their ship and into the cool night air. It was still a bit too cold for them, but their heating devices took care of that. They padded quietly through the night, following the tracker signal attached to the transporter that Dai'za'te and Faru'qi used.

A light shone up ahead and Dho'mago'te sped up, anxious to see how the females had fared over the cold time. But Tvrtko stopped him with a hand on the larger warrior's arm. Dho'mago'te glanced down at his partner.

Tvrtko's gaze was locked on the fire before them. "Listen to the voices. They are male."

Dho'mago'te listened as well and his expression darkened behind his mask. The two remained cloaked and slid forward silently, carefully examining the scene before them.

It was a small group of _Ooman_s, the three all males. They were speaking softly and laughing. Dai'za'te and Faru'qi were nowhere in sight and neither hunter could hear the familiar voices of the women.

Dho'mago'te listened carefully to what the males were saying. Hopefully he could pick up some useful information from them regarding the whereabouts of Dai'za'te and Faru'qi. As the _Oomans' _conversation continued, he felt a dark fury welling in the very core of his being.

Tvrtko eyed Dho'mago'te warily, edging back from his friend. "Dho'mago'te? What is it? I can only pick out a few words. What have you learned?"

Dho'mago'te's voice came out as a low rumble. "They say that they took the transporter from Dai'za'te and Faru'qi. And that the females are being held elsewhere, for the amusement of men."

Tvrtko felt his own rage rise. It was an unthinkable act to hold a female against her will. While Tvrtko was still pondering this new development; Dho'mago'te charged into the clearing, grabbing up two of the _Oooman_s there, and swiftly ended their lives.

As the larger warrior busily dissected the two males he had slaughtered, the third fled, screaming. Tvrtko intercepted this one, easily capturing the weaker creature. The _Ooman_ screamed and shrilled, especially when Dho'mago'te began advancing towards them.

Tvrtko waved Dho'mago'te away. "Stop, Dho'mago'te. We need this _Ooman_ alive. He will be valuable in helping us track Dai'za'te and Faru'qi."

Dho'mago'te did not put down his hammer. "We can find them on our own. I must kill this worthless meatbag."

Tvrtko sighed. "Yes, we could find them on our own. But after how long? It will be much quicker to utilize the information source we have here. THEN we can kill him."

Dho'mago'te grudgingly put his hammer away, crossing his arms. "Then we had best find them in the next day, or I will END him."

Tvrtko nodded. "Well, then you had best speak with him. I certainly don't have the _Ooman_ required to do so."

!)#$*^&$^!#)%_!$*^!$)^&!*#_!)$^&^%*_!#%^&(#)%*$(!_&^%*#_!(*%&^$)#*%($_!%*^&$()^*%!_#$!*)^&!$)#%*!(_#$*^&!$%#$

Tvrtko zoomed in on the encampment in the valley, carefully counting the _Ooman_ fighters below. The tree shook a little bit as Dho'mago'te pulled the carcass of the _Ooman_ informant high into the branches.

Hopping down, Tvrtko nodded in approval as the flayed body swung slowly, dripping its strange, red blood. Dho'mago'te turned and looked down at his partner. "Shall we take care of the rest of them?"

Tvrtko shook his head. "There are many warriors down there. I counted a large force. And I could not ascertain where they may be keeping Faru'qi and Dai'za'te. There are also many females and children among the warriors. It would be unwise to go in without further information. And we must preserve as many _Ooman_s as possible."

Dho'mago'te shrugged. "No matter how large the force, they are only _Ooman_s. They are not a threat. And the females can take care of themselves until we may take the time to find them. As to the preservation of the _Ooman_s there, the males are not worth keeping if they take part in activities such as that, and there are other large _Ooman_ groups coming this way that the women and children may join."

Tvrtko pondered on this, then turned to face the camp. "Then let us go retrieve our… comrades."

Dho'mago'te pulled his hammer out and began striding purposefully towards the _Ooman_ encampment. Tvrtko unsheathed his wrist blades and padded silently after his larger partner.

!+_(#&%!#%)(*!&#%(!#$(T^_!(#&^#%&(*!_*^!&#(%*!(#^&%#(*!+(%*&#$^_(%*!_$(^#%+(!&^*(&#(!%*&!*$^&_#(%*!

Ted sighed, wishing he was back in his tent with his wife and kid. But, if he didn't patrol, his wife would be up for grabs. He'd do anything to prevent that. He couldn't fathom his wife ending up like those two girls the others had captured… He shuddered to think of the cruelties the two had undergone.

He, personally, had never been involved with them. But, he'd never tried to stop the other men from hurting the girls. Sighing, he shouldered his gun, gazing into the darkness as he wondered if he was as much to blame, purely for having done nothing to help them out.

Suddenly, an obnoxious, nasally voice spoke up behind him. "Hey! Ted! You won't believe what I found in the stash those chicks had!"

Ted groaned. "Monty, I really don't care. I just want to finish patrol and get back to my wife."

Monty grinned at Ted. "Aw, come on! Lighten up a bit! Those chicks had tons of great crap! There's even some stuffed animal. I bet your kid would love it. Go ask for it, no one else wants it."

Ted frowned. "No. I'm not taking part in that. I already feel disgusted with myself for letting other people rape and steal from two girls who didn't do anything to deserve it. I won't add to my guilt."

Monty shrugged. "S'cool. More crap for me. Besides, the bitches had it coming. They weren't doing right by the human race. Gotta duty to repopulate the planet and all, yeah?"

Ted clenched his teeth. "I don't. Want. To hear it."

Monty held up his hands, a gesture of peace. "Hey, hey, chill. It's all good. Anyway, these chicks had a KILLER CD collection! I mean, they had anything and everything under the sun! It was a thing of beauty. They even had an M.C. Hammer CD!"

Ted didn't look over at his partner. "I don't know who that is."

"Seriously? You know, the guy who did that one song! Can't touch this? Nananana na na na na, Can't touch this!"

"Oh yeah. That."

Monty frowned. "Lord, you are so out of it, Ted. You need to chillax more."

Ted was in the process of replying when he collided with something very solid. He stumbled backwards, bumping into Monty.

Ted blinked, staring at the empty space before him. Monty took a few steps back, frowning. "Hey, what the hell, man?"

Ted held up a hand. "I think I bumped into somethi-"

Abruptly, two blades were protruding from Ted's midsection. The man stared down at the weapons plunged into his torso, blood dripping from his mouth. Slowly, blackness descended over him. His last thought was of his wife.

Monty screamed and stumbled backwards as the corpse of Ted was flung off to one side. He turned to run back into the camp, but he suddenly heard a familiar song. He stopped, confused. "Who is playing Can't Touch This? It sounds like it's really close. And what a TERRIBLE karaoke version."

Monty started as a female voice shouted "STOP!"

He stared around wildly, confused. Then, a monster appeared before him. IT was the source of the song. Monty's eyes widened as he saw the huge warhammer the monster had. The last thing Monty heard as he was beat through the air was "It's HAMMERTIME!"

!$($_#^(%!**^&%#)*!&(#%+_!^&!%+(#)!*^+(#%)!+^(#%_$)(!+_(#$^)#)%(!#_$^)*#+%)(!#+&_(#$^_(&)#+_($&%*!&)#$&!)*&($&^_#%(*&

Tvrtko glowered at Dho'mago'te as they made their way through the _Ooman_ camp. "WHY are you playing that recording? It sounds ridiculous."

"It is an _Ooman_ war song! Do you not see how they flee before it? Dai'za'te sang it once while I was battling."

Tvrtko shook his head. "Somehow, this does not make sense. But we can deal with that at another time. Have you found them yet?"

Dho'mago'te frowned. "No, I have not. But I have found a corpse that looks like Dai'za'te dealt with him. I'm certain they are about and well."

Tvrtko turned from their intended path of destruction. "I think I smell Faru'qi's scent this way."

Dho'mago'te followed as Tvrtko tracked the two women they had come to find. Not too far into the woods, they scented one of the _Kainde Amedha_. They ran forward, but when they came upon the clearing, the beast was gone.

Dai'za'te was clearly ready to put up a fight, as she had placed herself between them and Faru'qi, but both of them looked horrid. Both warriors felt a deep sorrow as they saw how thin and weak the women had become. As the two _Ooman_s faced them, there was pain written there that hadn't existed before.

Dho'mago'te played a few recordings to soothe both of the women and Dai'za'te ran into his arms in a traditional _Ooman_ greeting. He placed his arms around her, returning the heartfelt grasp. He also welcomed Faru'qi into the embrace and both the women wept, which disturbed him deeply.

Faru'qi left him to go to Tvrtko and she embraced the black warrior. Tvrtko blinked, then patted Faru'qi gently on the head. "What has happened to them? This is not right."

Dho'mago'te shrugged, busy soothing the overwrought female in his grasp. "I do not know to what extent the males harmed them, but it was bad, if what I heard was correct. The males… ALL of them, forced themselves onto Dai'za'te and Faru'qi. They were kept bound, so they could not fight or escape."

Tvrtko growled low in his throat, so that Faru'qi and Dai'za'te wouldn't hear. "We cannot let this go unpunished."

Dho'mago'te nodded, then picked Dai'za'te up. "Let us take them somewhere safe, then we may take vengeance for them."

Tvrtko nodded, gently holding Faru'qi in his arms. The two set out, heading towards a cave they had noticed earlier.

!(!$&+_(&!^(#%*+!_(&%#^&+(#%&+!^(%!$&+_!^!#$&%+!_(&^!+_#(&!*_($#&%!+_($&^+!#(_!$^(#%&_*!&*%^#(

The warriors tread softly through the night, back towards the _Ooman_ camp. The cloaked killers slid through the decimated area, watching what those alive were doing. Some had taken up guard over the females and children. They would be left alone.

But the others… Tvrtko scented the air and traced Faru'qi's scent to two males that smelled strongly of the female warrior. His eyes narrowed and he pulled out his knife. These two would go especially slowly and painfully.

As the dark warrior reveled in their screams of pain, Dho'mago'te traced Dai'za'te's scent to one man in particular. His screams tore through the air, delighting Dho'mago'te. When he was finished, he removed the blades from the man. Dai'za'te would like them.

On through the night the two went, slaughtering slowly and carefully, letting the screams ring out in the darkness. When they had finished, the ten or so corpses were artworks of pain and suffering. Dho'mago'te nodded in approval, then picked through the camp to find more things to bring back to Dai'za'te.

Tvrtko followed this lead, finding some weapons, clothing, and food. The women would be too weak for some time to hunt for themselves.

Before they left, Dho'mago'te took the keys to the women's transporter. Tvrtko had hunted through the carnage to find the trophy necklace he had made for Faru'qi, finally finding it on a corpse hidden under some debris.

They left the camp as silently as they had come, leaving the women and children and a few males shaking in horror and fear.

(!#_$!&+#$(^&!)($#&+^*+$%*!(&#+%*&+!$(#^%*!+(#^*!_(%&!_(*^#)%*+!$#^(%*!#(!(%*)#%(^_#$*+%&(#*$^!%_+

Dai'za'te and Faru'qi were pleased with the items that Dho'mago'te and Tvrtko had brought them. The Yautja left the cave while the females were changing, remembering how sensitive _Ooman_s were about privacy.

Dai'za'te was pleased with the knives, but she refused to release the blade Dho'mago'te had gifted to her, which pleased the red behemoth.

Finally, the women were ready to leave. Tvrtko took the lead, the women in the middle, and Dho'mago'te taking rear guard. They had to get the females back to their transporter.


	18. The Greatest Insult!

Author's Note: And now, the mystery of the cape is REVEALED!

Disclaimer: We love many things. Doesn't mean we own them.

*(#$)))))))))%^*#^&#$(#_$&(^#$(*^#$(%*_#$*&%_#%*#$*%&#)^#($^*#(*#_(^#&^_(#$&^(#$^&#$(%*_#$(^&#$_(%^*#(^*)((

The Greatest Insult!

Marie and Evie were deeply confused. They stared intently at the fluttering red cape, checking the underground cavern for any potential sources of the wind moving the article of clothing. There was none to be found.

Scooching around Martello and Ninja, the two girls peered into the shadows. There were figures in the darkness behind the imposing leader. Marie blinked, and took a step back. "Evie. My darling one."

Evie was rubbing her eyes. "Yes, sweetness?"

"Am I seeing what I think I'm seeing?"

Evie nodded. "The three girls waving at us while making the cape move?"

Marie crossed her arms. "Yes, yes, that's the one."

All of a sudden, Marie and Evie were mobbed by the three women. The tallest woman was the slimmest, but still had a rather large frame and deep brown hair. The next shortest was a blond bombshell, with a distinctly larger hip and butt size than any of the other women present. And, finally, the shortest was a chubby red head with a brilliant smile.

The girls were chattering at Marie and Evie nonstop.

"HI! Where are you from?"

"Are those guns?"

"Are you with those guys over there? The red one is HUGE!"

"Do you guys fight a lot?"

"Where did you get all the scars from?"

"I wish I had such cool looking scars!"

"I LOVE your hair! How do you get it like that?"

Marie and Evie did their best to try and slip away from the questions of the other women. But, it didn't work well, as the three new women were clinging on to them, fussing with Marie and Evie's hair, moving their clothing to look at all the scars, and grabbing them all over.

The blond, who clearly wasn't a natural blond, seeing as her brown roots were showing, grabbed at Marie's breasts. Marie squeaked as the blonde gasped. "Faith! Come here! They're REAL!"

The tall black girl, Faith, extricated herself from perusing Evie and went over to Marie. Reaching out, the brunette grabbed Marie's boobs as well, clearly surprised. "Well, damn! They ARE!"

Marie looked at Evie out of the corner of her eye. "Evie! I'm being molested by crazy people! One of them with a terrible hair job! I feel like I'm in a porno!"

Evie darted away from the pale, freckled red head and tried to hide behind Ninja, running around him as the red head chased her, still yattering on.

Marie cursed. "Damn you, woman! WHY do you leave me in these awkward situations?"

The tan blonde twirled a lock of Marie's hair. "We could make it MORE awkward, honey."

Marie was reaching her breaking point. "Where's my good stabbing knife?"

Just as Marie grabbed on to her "good" stabbing knife, a low rumble echoed through the cavern. The three plump women looked over at the looming leader. He rumbled again and gave his cape a small, but meaningful, shake.

The three smiled and giggled, darting back over. Faith waved. "Sorry! We'll get to know you better later. We have work to do!"

The three vanished into the shadows again and the cape resumed its dramatic fluttering.

Marie, wide eyed, scuffled over to where Evie was crouching, hidden behind Ninja's legs. Marie crouched down and conked her friend on the back of the head with the hilt of her knife. Evie yelped and rubbed her head. "What was THAT for?"

Marie scowled, hiding behind Martello. "Don't LEAVE me in those kinds of situations!"

Evie pouted. "You were FINE. I was dealing with the red head-"

A voice echoed from behind the cape. "My name's Marnie! HIII!"

Evie blinked. "Okay. I was dealing with Marnie."

Marie shushed her. "Don't use their names! It will only encourage them!"

Giggles echoed in the cavern.

!(#!_&#%&(!#%#)$%*^&#_($^#$)*_#(^#)^*_#(*^_#$)(&#^_)(&#($^*_(*&(*+_**$+&(%$+*^#$+_*^$+_(%*&*)#^#$+%^)#%+#$_^*()%*^#+#$_

Zulfaqar cleared his throat, pleased that his women had returned to making him look more imposing. And showing off his cape. It was a lovely cape. It was so difficult to get his cape to flutter just right without any wind, or with too much of it. His _Oomans_ had come up with an excellent solution to the problem.

Looking up, he found the assembled group of young warriors staring at him, silent. Zulfaqar crossed his arms, quirking his head. "So. What are you all here for? Shouldn't you be off in your territories, hunting?"

The yellow green warrior, who had tried ingratiating himself to the Elders on the ship over, recovered the fastest and began speaking. "Greetings, great Elder. I am So'zilr. My partner, A'no'kur, and I wished to bring the two behind me to you for judgement."

Zulfaqar sighed. He hated dealing with things like this. "What have they done?"

So'zilr looked down. "They, ah, were travelling with two _Oomans_ and left their territory. They also were giving our weapons to the _Oomans_, as well as teaching them our language."

Zulfaqar was not impressed. "Was the territory they were found in claimed?"

So'zilr shook his head. "No, Elder."

Elder Zulfaqar looked past So'zilr and the other one to try and catch a glimpse of the two _Ooman_ females cowering behind Dho'mago'te and Tvrtko. One of them glared at him and shook a blade at him, while the other kept slipping from his sight as Tvrtko shifted from side to side.

He nodded at Dho'mago'te and Tvrtko. "You have charming specimens."

Dho'mago'te nodded emphatically. "Indeed! Finally, someone who understands! The one behind me is Dai'za'te! She has many, many knives hidden on her person. I still have not found them all. Look at all the markings she has given me with them!"

Dho'mago'te held out his arms and Zulfaqar was mildly alarmed at all the small markings adorning Dho'mago'te. The red giant continued. "I have tried many times to find all of Dai'za'te's blades, but I have been unsuccessful. She hides them very well and never in the same places!"

Zulfaqar tried not to snicker. "Have you tried removing her clothing? Perhaps you would find more then."

Dho'mago'te nodded. "I have tried this before. It didn't work well. Dai'za'te was most displeased with me and stabbed me in much more important areas than my arms."

Zulfaqar blinked, but nodded in understanding. "Well, try harder next time. Restraining her might be a good idea as well."

The elder returned his attention to So'zilr and the quiet one next to him. "Now, So'zilr and…You there, I see no issues that need to be resolved. Return to your posts."

He waved the two away and turned back to Dho'mago'te and Tvrtko. "As for you two, I wish to speak with you on certain matters. Come into my chambers."

Turning, Zulfaqar strode away, shooing his women before him, so that he could make a properly grand exit. He couldn't have them in the way and trip over them, after all.

_%($^_###$(_+%$&_($%^)%*&$^#$&*%(^#$_%#&$*%#)&(*$%^#)(^%(&$+%*_%+&*_)%*&%$*(#$(*^&#)$(^&%$&($+)))))))%*^(#_$%*#&

Marie and Evie were sitting cross legged by Martello and Ninja, both of whom were involved in a heated discussion with the warrior in the cape. Marie gazed at the leader. "Hey, Evie. What should we call the dude in the cape?"

Evie looked up, blinking. "Um, I dunno. Fred?"

Marie scowled. "That's a terrible name! It's not descriptive at all!"

Evie shrugged. "You got a better idea?"

Marie frowned. "Not really…"

Evie went back to focusing on the conversation. "Well, let's just call him Pimpman, then. He has a harem and all."

Marie thought this over, and then agreed. "This is acceptable."

Evie was distracted by the conversation going on between the aliens. "Marie, I really don't like what they're saying. The words together sound weird. Something about giving up one thing for another?"

Marie pondered. "Maybe Martello and Ninja are bartering for some supplies or something?"

Evie shook her head. "I don't think so… I keep hearing "ooman", which sounds a lot like human."

Marie's eyes shot open. "Oh my GOD, Pimpman is trying to get us for his harem!"

Evie looked shocked. "How did you even GET that from what I told you? That's a lot of conjecture."

Marie shrugged. "I hear what they mean, you hear what they say. AT any rate, we should beat a hasty retreat back to the exit."

Evie quirked an eyebrow at her friend. "You mean the single one? Guarded by at least five of these guys?"

Marie nodded. "That's the one!"

Evie shook her head. "Terrible idea."

As the two went back and forth as to what the best plan for escape would be, Pimpman stood and came forward. He reached down and pulled on Marie's hair gently, then seemed ready to grab her by the arm and pick her up.

Martello was partly standing and seemed a bit frantic, but it was too late. Marie freaked out. Shrieking, she pulled a knife and sent it slashing towards the stranger who was trying to touch her. Pimpman jumped back, but there was a distinct tearing sound.

The three girls that belonged to Pimpman all gasped in horror at the hole now slashed in his cape. He stared at the hole, frozen. Marie was panting, terrified, scuffling away, while Evie followed her lead.

Martello and Ninja were partly crouched, seeming ready for anything, when Pimpman let out an earthshaking roar and charged towards Marie.

Yelping, Marie darted away, Evie close behind, heading for the exit. Even with their slight head start, they could hear Pimpman close behind them. In an instant, the two women were scooped up by Martello and Ninja, who had managed to get to them before Pimpman.

Martello tucked Marie under his arm and knocked a few of the guards aside, while Ninja held Evie over one of his shoulders, darting and swerving to avoid any attacks.

The two warriors turned from the heavily guarded exit and instead ran deeper into the cavern, hearing the thunderous cries of the enraged alien behind them. They went faster, twisting and turning their way through the maze of tunnels until they felt certain that they had lost their pursuers.

After some time, Martello and Ninja slowed and set Marie and Evie down carefully on the cool rock floor. Marie flopped backwards, worn out, while Evie curled up on her side.

Marie groaned. "This is NOT how the day was supposed to work out."


	19. Keep Yo Pimp Hand Strong!

Author's Note: So… Hey there guys! It's been awhile since the last Minivan, huh? Yeah… We didn't realize how far behind we've gotten. But! We'll remedy this, have no fear. Get all caught up and move on to the awesome! That being said, off we go! BEWARE TEH FLUFFS!

Disclaimer: We own Marie, Evie, Dho'mago'te, Tvrtko, Elder Pimp, A'no'kur, So'zilr, D'bravko… Weeeelll, we're sure you all can tell what's ours and what isn't by now.

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Keep Yo Pimp Hand Strong!

Zulfaqar sighed, feeling all his stress and anger seep away as he lounged with his women. They were chattering, as they usually did, and Fa'ith was busy sewing up the tear in his glorious cloak. His brow furrowed, chittering irritably, he recalled how his cloak had been brutally attacked by the little pet of Dho'mago'te's.

Noticing his returned ire, Mar'ni'e cuddled closer to him, humming happily, gently running her fingers through his hair. Rumbling, he relaxed under her gentle touch, arm wrapped around her hips, keeping her warmth close to him.

Fa'ith finished her work and showed it to him. It was like the rip had never been there. He nodded, approving, reaching out to brush a hand against her dark skin. She leaned in, nuzzling her face against his hand, before unceremoniously flopping onto his chest. He made a small grunting noise and Fa'ith giggled, resting on him comfortably.

A'leeks wandered into the room and smiled, waving. Zulfaqar gave a lazy wave and motioned her over. It didn't feel quite right until all his women were near. A'leeks skipped over and wiggled up next to Fa'ith, since his arms were long enough to hold them both.

Still, the girls chattered on, the rise and fall of their voices slowly lulling him into a drowsy state. They'd settle down eventually into sleep. He tightened his grip on them momentarily, and turned his head to gently brush his mandibles against Fa'ith's forehead and he did the same to Mar'ni'e. A'leeks crawled over Fa'ith, right on top of his chest, demanding a "kha'ees" as well.

He complied and she smiled brightly, before falling forward and staying on top of him, tucking her head close under his chin. He gave a low rumble, pleased. He had been with countless females, had fathered many children, had killed many creatures, won great trophies, but it was being here, with these females, that brought him the most joy that he could ever remember feeling.

He thought on the other relationships in his life. Females almost always left after satisfying themselves. He had never actually seen any of his children. The few other male warriors he had been close to growing up had, for the most part, died in battles.

But from the first time he had seen these females, seen their closeness, that closeness they had so graciously decided to share with him, he had felt an abiding peace. He couldn't help but wonder what it was that could bring _Oomans_ so close together. Even the females of Dho'mago'te and Tvrtko were very close, partners in everything.

Zulfaqar was startled from his half doze as his women began chattering more. Mar'ni'e even sat up, pulling away from him. He didn't like that one bit. Growling, he sat up, partly dislodging A'leeks from her perch. She slid down, ending up in his lap, giggling.

There, at the door, were the two new females, Dai'za'te and Faru'qi.

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Marie gulped. "Are you SURE now is a good time?"

"If you keep putting it off, we'll never get it taken care of. You do want to apologize, don't you?"

Marie glowered at the floor, grumbling. Evie narrowed her eyes. "You DO want to apologize, DON'T YOU?"

Giving Evie the meanest look she could, Marie mumbled something sounding like an agreement under her breath. Then, as if coming to a decision, Marie straightened, striking the most heroic pose she possibly could, took a deep breath, and marched into the cave.

Evie followed, trying to contain her giggles at her friend. Marie and her posing. All of a sudden, Evie bumped into Marie's back, confused. "Marie, why did you stop? Don't chicken out now!"

Evie peered around her friend and swiftly realized why Marie was a bit frozen. There was the Elder, surrounded by his women, flopped all over him, Alex currently straddling the Elder's lap. None of them were wearing too much in the way of covering.

Evie decided to take control of the situation, noting the Elder's glare. "Ah, um, hi! This a bad time? We can totally come back later. Wasn't anything important."

Marnie waved. "No, no! Come on over! This is a big bed! I'm sure there's plenty of room!"

Evie smiled, watching the color somehow drain AND rise in Marie's face. "Ah, no thanks. We're good over here. We just came to apologize. About the cloak. Right Marie?"

Marie's face, previously stricken by the awkwardness, went sour. She crossed her arms, clearly ready to continue sulking. Evie nudged her friend, giving her shorter partner a meaningful, and somewhat threatening, look. "RIGHT Marie?"

Sniffing, Marie nodded. "Sorry. Even though it wouldn't have happened if you hadn't have tried to touch me. So, really, it's your fault and I don't see why-"

"MARIE. That's enough." Evie pulled out the present from behind her back, presenting it with the brightest smile she could muster. "Here! Have a hat. It should go great with your cape!"

The girls and the Elder all oohed simultaneously. There, in Evie's grasp, was truly a spectacular hat. It was a deep red, with black fur trimming the brim, and a black band around the hat, with a gigantic black feather protruding from the band.

Marnie and Alex acted the fastest, charging Even and Marie, plucking the hat from them, returning to plop it on the Elder's head. He looked up at it, admiring, before standing to pose more dramatically with it.

The three girls all leaned forward, gasping at this visage. It was at this juncture that Marie and Evie noticed that, other than the hat, all the Elder was wearing was his codpiece. The intruding women began edging backwards, giggling a bit as the tableau reminded them of the cover of a truly terrible romance novel.

Marnie cooed, tugging the Elder back onto the bed. "Ooh, Hotrod! I LOVE that look for you!"

Marie and Evie took that as their cue to back hastily away, before turning tail and running as further coos and sighs came from behind them.

As soon as the women were safely ensconced in their own room, they heaved a sigh of relief. Evie smiled, brightening. "Well, I think they liked the present! Hopefully that will smooth things over."

Marie shuddered. "We are NEVER giving them a present EVER AGAIN."

!#$%^&*()_)(*&^%$#!#$^&*()_(*&^%$#!~!#%^*()_)(*^$#!~!#%^*)_+_)(*&^$#!~!#$^&()_+_)(*&%#!~!#$%^&()_)*&%$!~!#$^*)_+_(*^%#!~!#%&*()_+_)(&^$#!~!#$%^*()_+

The next morning, Marie and Evie were busy warming up for some training exercises, when the Elder came out of his cavern, cape billowing, heading straight for the two women. Marie started, jerking both her arms up in a defensive gesture. "It wasn't me, I swear! I just woke up!"

The Elder looked down at Marie, staring intently, before he held up his two hands and abruptly slapped them against Marie's. Then, he turned, cape swishing, humming to himself.

Marie's arms were still up, her eyes wide. Then, she turned and wiped both her palms on Evie's shoulder. Evie made a disgusted face. "EW! WHY did you do that?"

"The hat was YOUR idea! I just got high ten-ed for helping get him laid! By THREE women! THREEE! Aaargh!"

Evie shuddered, then turned to glare at two of the warriors staring in their direction. "What? WHAT? There ain't a show over here, so buzz off!"

Marie cringed, then charged off. "I need a BATH. I feel DEFILED!"

Evie ran after Marie, whining. "Wait for me! I feel defiled from your defilement! My shoulder will never be the same!"

Marie suddenly stopped, turning to face her friend in horror, hands still in the air. "Evie! I have to itch my nose! Oh, god, why?"

!#$%#%*&^)_(*+&(^%$#$!#$%*^(&*_*+(_*&&%^^%$##!$#%$&*(&+*&^%%#$#!#$#%$^&*^&+&(&%$%$##!$#%^&*^&(+_)*)**^%^%##!#$#%$%^)*(&*+(&*&%%#%^$#%^*(&)*)(&*)&%^%#$

A'no'kur and D'bravko watched the two women run off to their bathing areas, both mildly confused. A'no'kur shook his head, sighing. "What is WRONG with those females?"

D'bravko simply nodded sagely to himself, crossing his arms. "Don't worry, that is actually perfectly normal."

Quirking his head, A'no'kur stared at the other warrior. "So? What does it mean?"

Startled, D'bravko blinked, then coughed into his hand, before standing and walking off. "You'll find out when you're older, never fear!"

A'no'kur paused for a moment, thinking. Then, he yelled after D'bravko "But, we're the same age!"


	20. The Elephant in the Room

Author's Note: Again, we apologize for the long delay with our updates. We swear that we'll have a new story up and running, and hopefully completed, relatively quickly, so that we can get going with our next LONG story. Thank you all SO much for your patience and understanding with all this end of the school year craziness. We love you all!

Disclaimer: Nothing is ours. Ever. IT makes us sad people. :(

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The Elephant in the Room

Tvrtko sighed, shifting restlessly. It had been another long day of hunting the Queen, and dealing with Faru'qi's strange behavior. She and Dai'za'te had been getting clingy and it was such a change that he wasn't really sure what to do.

Dho'mago'te, on the other hand, was enjoying himself FAR too much. He seemed to revel in Dai'za'te's increased affections. Why? Why were they doing this? And, in his heart of hearts, he wondered why he didn't really mind as much as he put on.

Dho'mago'te was laying back on some pillows, clearly relaxed, with Dai'za'te curled nearby, using part of his arm as a resting place for her head. Her breathing was even, steady, and she seemed perfectly comfortable with her proximity to Dho'mago'te.

Tvrtko looked down and to his left, where Faru'qi lay sleeping on a nest of some pillows, curled up in a tight ball, also sound asleep. The females had accidentally fallen asleep here, instead of in their nooks, which was all right. Neither he nor Dho'mago'te minded the extra company in the main sitting area of their small cavern.

Tvrtko continued pondering over the recent changes, when he was startled by Dho'mago'te speaking. "You know, I've been thinking."

Tvrtko smirked. "A rare event. You should be careful about that."

Snorting, Dho'mago'te waved the hand not being used as a pillow in dismissal. "I'm serious. I've been thinking about Dai'za'te. And, by extension, you and Faru'qi."

Tvrtko's defenses went. He wasn't sure, but he got the feeling that Dho'mago'te was about to go somewhere that would make him VERY uncomfortable.

Dho'mago'te continued, staring over at Dai'za'te. "I have been thinking that, maybe, I wouldn't mind staying with Dai'za'te."

"Of course. She is one of our allies, and a good warrior. Same with Faru'qi. Leaving would make no sense."

Dho'mago'te growled, frustrated. "Stop playing dumb, Tvrtko. It doesn't suit you. You know what I mean, and I know you've been thinking about it."

Tvrtko turned away, staring again upon Faru'qi's sleeping face. It looked so slack and squishy, instead of tight and active, like it was when she was awake. Dho'mago'te sighed, carefully tugging Dai'za'te closer. Willingly, the woman rolled over, sprawling partly on top of the red warrior, making strange snuffling sounds. Even in her sleep, Dai'za'te couldn't manage to keep quiet.

Dho'mago'te threaded a few of his fingers through Dai'za'te's loose hair, clearly forming his next words carefully. "I've just been watching. The Elder and his women. They are together. And, even though Dai'za'te isn't attractive in the LEAST, there's just. Something. I can't really explain it."

Tvrtko nodded, refusing to speak. He couldn't trust his voice. He might blurt out a truth he didn't want to admit. Not yet.

Continuing, Dho'mago'te sighed. "She's horribly ugly. So small. Pale, like a dead thing. Easily breakable. With those huge eyes and tiny head. And that MOUTH. Ugh. Really, I don't know what it is. I could get plenty of good looking women back home, once I proved myself enough. I know that. And, for a long time, I wanted it. More than anything."

Tvrtko shifted, feeling awkward. He hated when Dho'mago'te made sense. He especially hated it when Dho'mago'te not only made sense, but seemed to know exactly what he was thinking. It felt like his friend was in Tvrtko's head, and he didn't like that.

Dai'za'te snorted a bit, then abruptly rolled away from Dho'mago'te again, settling her face on his open palm, a hand clutching one of his fingers. Dho'mago'te just sighed. "But, Dai'za'te. There's that SOMETHING. With her, I feel braver and stronger, able to do anything and everything, so long as she's there, giving me her smile. She reminds me of light. She's powerful, and unstoppable, even when she simply can't win. She can dim, but come back stronger than before. She wiggles inside you and stays. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. I doubt I even make sense."

It made sense to Tvrtko. He stared again at Faru'qi. She'd rolled a little closer, still tucked up in a tiny ball, knees to her chin. While Dai'za'te was light, Faru'qi reminded him of water. Quiet, still, gentle, forceful, raging. She wrapped around him, like armor. He hated it. Hated knowing and thinking these things. But he couldn't bear to rid himself of it. She made him stronger, and weaker. Was it worth it? Could it ever be worth it?

"I think it is."

Tvrtko almost jumped. HAD Dho'mago'te learned how to read his mind and not told him? There would be problems if he had.

"I mean, really, _Oomans_ aren't so different than we are, physically speaking, mind. So, why couldn't we at least TRY to have them in our beds? The Elder seems to get along just fine. I wonder if I should ask him about it?"

Tvrtko tightened his hand into a fist, embarrassed for the moment. Dho'mago'te had CLEARLY been talking about something else altogether. At least this meant that mind reading was still beyond his friend, which was a comfort. But not much of one.

Again, Dai'za'te interrupted the one sided conversation by rolling about, somehow ending up with her head near Dho'mago'te's feet, one of her legs splayed over his chest, on her back, arms near her head. She sighed and settled again, clearly not bothered by her abrupt change in position.

Dho'mago'te chuckled, poking at the foot on his chest, watching Dai'za'te flinch and flail, before she managed a kick at his hand, rolling on her side to wrap her arms around one of Dho'mago'te's legs. Grumbling, she settled down, the grumpy look on her face smoothing.

Shaking his head, Dho'mago'te laced his hands behind his head. "Truly, she sleeps far too soundly."

Tvrtko smiled. "It means she feels safe. Wouldn't you agree?"

Startled, Dho'mago'te looked over at his partner. These were the first words he'd heard from Tvrtko all night. He hadn't been expecting it. But, Dho'mago'te nodded, settling back down. "I would. And, it's good to know she feels safe with us."

"With you, Dho'mago'te. She feels safe with YOU."

Dho'mago'te digested this, while Tvrtko turned a watchful eye to Faru'qi. She was whimpering quietly, shudders shaking her small frame. Her face, what he could see of it, was pinched and frightened. What dreams haunted her nights? He didn't want to know.

Hesitantly, he reached out a hand, smoothing it over her short, soft hair. She froze, then sighed and relaxed, sliding closer to him, resting her head on his leg, untucking from her ball a bit to do so. He kept his hand on her head as she calmed and her breathing returned to normal.

Then, he felt the distinct feel of something slimy on his leg. He made a face, then tried to push Faru'qi's head away a little bit. That just made things worse. Another glob of drool slid down his leg and he sighed, letting her face settle back in its original spot. Despite the unpleasantness of being drooled on, he kept his hand on her head, keeping the nightmares away.


	21. Shades of Gray

Author's Note: We love fluff! And then we like to kill it. WITH FIRE. AND RAAAAGE. ^_^ So, here is ANGST. Yay!

Disclaimer: We own food! Never mind, we ate that. Sorry.

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Shades of Gray

Dho'mago'te couldn't recall EVER feeling so terrible. Dai'za'te was FURIOUS with him. He sighed, shoulders slumping. Even though he'd managed to explain, and she seemed all right, it was obvious she was still angry. And now he couldn't even go after her to help her and Faru'qi! The Queen could wait, damn it all!

Sighing irritably, Dho'mago'te did another scan of the area, trying to see if there were any trails to follow. It was a shame that the Elder didn't agree with his assessment that the Queen could wait. Hence why he and Tvrtko were out in these damn caves, looking for the stupid Queen, when there were other things to take care of.

Growling, he turned abruptly down a new tunnel, stomping ahead, not caring if he alerted enemies or not. At this point, a good fight would take his mind off of his worry and gut wrenching fear. Tvrtko was, as always, silent. More now than ever, this grated against Dho'mago'te's nerves. Normally he would just talk into the silence, but he couldn't bring himself to now.

The silence between them grew. Finally, Dho'mago'te snapped, whirling on Tvrtko. "WHAT are we going to do? How can you STAND to just, just, go about business as usual? I'm going crazy! I need to go look for Dai'za'te! I KNOW you want to go after Faru'qi as well!"

Tvrtko kept walking, ignoring Dho'mago'te's outburst. THAT had never happened before. Tvrtko was quiet, but never short with an answer. Dho'mago'te stalked after his friend, fury building. "Tvrtko! Answer me! We need to go! Leave this stupid hunt and go after them! They're not safe!"

The only response was that Tvrtko hunched his shoulders, trying desperately to ignore Dho'mago'te's pleas. The red warrior had had enough. Reaching out, Dho'mago'te grabbed Tvrtko's shoulder, spinning the smaller one about to face him. "Will you TALK to me for ONCE?"

Tvrtko's fist tightened. "What do you want me to say? We were given an order by the Elder. Our duty is to follow it. And we're going on a Queen hunt. That's a very important honor. We should be happy."

Aghast, Dho'mago'te loosed his hold. "What are you even SAYING? Dai'za'te is out there! The other Oomans could attack them again! You remember what it was like the LAST time we left them? The state we found them in? What those, those MONSTERS did to them? How can you want to leave them to that? And what about the Kainde Amedha? They're still out there! And they both left without weapons! Or, at least not as many weapons as they need to fight properly!"

Tvrtko folded his arms, hands still in fists. "Of COURSE I remember. How could I NOT remember? The way they looked, the stench on them, the look in her eyes. But, we can't just LEAVE. We're already on thin ice! Maybe it doesn't matter to YOU, but I can't risk this chance! I've taken too many chances on you and your insanity already! I have other concerns! No matter how badly I want to go, I CAN'T. But, I bet that never crossed your mind, did it? No, you've got NOTHING to worry about."

Dho'mago'te took a small step back. The wounded look on his face didn't show past his mask. "Why are you saying that? I know about all that stuff! And I think about it! It's just, Dai'za'te and Faru-"

"I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT!"

Dho'mago'te froze. Tvrtko had NEVER yelled. EVER.

Tvrtko's started breathing harder. "I don't want to hear about her! I don't want to hear her name! I don't want to think about her, or how she might be hurt or in danger, I don't want to think about how we met or how she still wears my gift or ANYTHING. I wish I was able to block it all! They're gone! Just get over it! They're only Oomans! They don't matter!"

Tvrtko was barely able to dodge out of the way of the monstrous fist that came hurtling towards his face. Darting to the side, Tvrtko stared at Dho'mago'te. He had only ever seen his friend this angry a few times, and it was never directed towards him. Never.

"Don't you EVER. Say that about them AGAIN. You KNOW it isn't true. And I know it. At least respect them enough to admit to yourself that all that is CRAP. If that's how you really think, how you really feel about all this, then I have horribly, HORRIBLY misjudged you."

Tvrtko felt the sting of the words. He hated how right Dho'mago'te was. How his friend knew him better than he knew himself. Tvrtko shook his head and then growled, charging forward and slamming a kick towards Dho'mago'te's midsection. Dho'mago'te caught his leg and hurled Tvrtko towards the cave wall.

Tvrtko rolled midair, hitting the wall with his feet, and pushed off to tackle Dho'mago'te to the ground. The grappled each other, throwing punches and kicks as best they could while rolling about on the floor. Finally, Tvrtko slammed Dho'mago'te to the floor, both were panting Heavily and covered in cooling sweat.

"Of course it's a lie. It's a horrible lie. But if I don't lie to myself, I'll fall apart. I can't go after her, not after what I did." Tvrtko's voice was back to its usual quiet level.

Dho'mago'te didn't speak, simply waiting for his friend to continue.

"I wanted to run after her. I did. But you didn't SEE her. She was TERRIFIED. HORRIFIED. She tried to SHOOT me again. She… She didn't TRUST me anymore. I could see it in her eyes. I didn't even do anything! I couldn't… I can't go after her. I… I don't want to see the way she looks at me. I can't see her look at me like that again. I thought forgetting about her, turning her back into simple prey again, would make that all stop."

Tvrtko's hands dropped, limp in front of him. He stared at his hands, then stood, turning away from Dho'mago'te. Dho'mago'te stayed on the floor a moment, then stood, padding over to Tvrtko on silent feet. When he rested his hand on Tvrtko's shoulder this time, it wasn't in anger.

"She'll be back. So will Dai'za'te. We'll work this out. We have time. And they're strong. Whatever happens to them, they will be all right. We wouldn't think these things if that wasn't the case."

Tvrtko nodded, then kept walking. "We should keep on this track. I thought I heard some Kainde Amedha cries."

As Tvrtko walked on, Dho'mago'te sighed, running a hand over the multitude of scars left by Dai'za'te in the early days.

"Come back soon. Both of you."


	22. Giving Good Head

Author's Note: Yay more minivans! We are going to give you a quick recap, so that you all remember where this is coming from. We're sorry for so much confusion. Seriously, DA will have them all in order, so feel free, after awhile, to go see how it would have worked.

Disclaimer: We own nada. No hablo espanol. Except Ally. Ella habla espanol. Jerk.

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RECAP

"He dead?"

Marie called over. "Only if he can somehow magically heal two punctured lungs! In which case, he's much tougher than originally thought and we should probably hack out his heart or brain or something."

Evie gasped. "His head! Oh, I said I would take it back on a stake! I should go back and do that. Can I borrow a knife, Marie? A big one. Gotta get through the neck."

As Marie began to rummage through her clothes for a knife best suited to hacking off a head, Jedi waved his hand. "No! Nonono, that's fine. I'm sure he'll be dead. Very dead. Soon. No need to hack off anything!"

As he said this, a disgusting slurping, squelching noise came from Bravo's direction. Everyone turned to look at him. He paused, realizing he was being stared at, with the skull and spine only partially removed.

Evie crossed her arms as Marie giggled. "Bravo! Really. We have GUESTS. Go take that elsewhere. Look! You've already made one of them ill. Shoo, and come back when you're done."

Bravo quirked his head at her, then shrugged and walked off behind a small patch of trees. The squelching noise resounded once again and Jedi made a strange urping sound, clearly trying not to hurl. Evie hollered after Bravo. "WE CAN STILL HEAR YOU!"

A string of curses came from behind the trees and Bravo came stomping back out, shaking the spine and freshly cleaned skull at Evie, chattering grumpily. Evie sniffed and waved him off, turning to tend to Sketchers and explaining things to Jedi.

After a very short and not so sweet explanation, Jedi looked worried and amused. "So, what are we going to do now, girly?"

Evie sighed. "Well, maybe you two should just head on towards that caravan. Scavenge what you can here, then move on. We have unfinished business back in the caves."

Jedi shook his head, reaching down to sling Sketchers over his shoulders. "No way. We're sticking with you. Friends are friends, and it's hard to find good friends in this world. We're with you, all the way."

Evie smiled and nodded. "Then let's get going. Got places to be, aliens to placate. Come on, Marie. Bravo. It's time to go."

Bravo stood there awkwardly, clutching the skull in his hands, looking down at it, sulking. Marie patted his arm. "It's okay. I think it's a lovely trophy. Good job."

$*(!#$$&&&&&&&&&%*^&+%_(^#*&)$!#^*_!%&^(*#_$^(%&!^&)#)%^_#^)#%*&!#$%^#^+(*#_(^#)%*(!*)#$(^*%(^*#&*(&!*%!*%&+_#$(*^#+(^*!+$(%&!*&%!+_#(^#%*&(%)^

Giving Good Head

D'bravko moseyed behind Dai'za'te and Faru'qi and their male companions. As the four settled down for the night, planning on continuing their journey in the morning, he cloaked and left them, knowing they could take care of themselves.

He slipped back to the ruined camp, searching around for a certain location, where Dai'za'te and Faru'qi had battled their great foe, who had dogged their steps for a long while. Finding the site of their battle, he approached the corpse of the man they had destroyed.

The man had finally died, painfully. He deserved it, from what he'd gleaned from Dho'mago'te. Tvrtko refused to talk about it at all. Eyeing the _Ooman_ on the ground, D'bravko knelt down, pulling out a knife, and with one clean swing, took off the man's head.

Standing, holding the head in his hand, he strolled back towards where his comrades were resting, carefully cleaning it as he went, hoping that the girls would like his gift. It was terribly important to keep the skull of your first enemy.

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He waited patiently for the _Oomans_ to wake. He really didn't know why they needed so much sleep, but he dealt with it stoically. Finally, just before the sun rose, they began to wake. First Faru'qi, then the male he heard them call Ged'ai. The other male, and, finally, Faru'qi nudged Dai'za'te awake.

As they took down their camp, D'bravko approached Dai'za'te, tapping her on the shoulder gently. She looked up at him, clearly still sleepy. She yawned, quirking her head. Straightening, D'bravko held out the skull with great pride.

Dai'za'te just blinked, confused, then patted his arm, turning to walk towards the others. Irritated, seeing all his work unappreciated, he followed her, nudging her shoulder more firmly, holding out the skull again. Shaking her head, Dai'za'te moved away.

Rethinking his strategy, D'bravko grabbed Dai'za'te's hand, and placed the skull in it, and began tapping into his wrist pad, searching for a specific recording. Triumphant, he let the Faru'qi's words ring out.

"His head!"

Understanding dawned on Dai'za'te's face, along with one of her smiles. He would never understand how baring one's teeth was endearing. D'bravko nodded approvingly as Dai'za'te charged across the clearing, making a bee line towards Faru'qi.

His work completed, D'bravko took it upon himself to begin leading the others back to the caves. He was certain D'bravko and Tvrtko would want the females back as soon as possible. He paid little attention to the _Oomans_ chattering behind him as they began hiking back.

!#$^%&*(%^($%^&#$%^#%^&*^&(($%#$&#$%&$&*()*($&#%&^#%^&*&()%^$&#%^%^&*&(*)%^(&#*$%&^#%&*&(*$&*^&#$^%#^&(%^&I#$^&%^#%

"Hey, Evie!"

Evie sighed, wondering what could have made Marie so perky this early in the morning. She had been counting on Marie's poor morning attitude to have some silence. The perkiness was… unusual.

Turning, Evie started as she came face to face with a grinning skull. The jaw opened and closed in time to Marie's hands, while Marie spoke in a strange, gravelly voice.

"Hey there, babe! The name's Hoboface! Wanna head back to my place for some… COFFEE?"

Evie was momentarily stunned in bewilderment. It was not every day that a skull started talking at you, suggesting a sexual liaison. Clearing her throat with a small hack, Evie leveled a stare at Marie, who was crouching with her arm in the air to have the skull at Evie's face level.

"Marie."

"Yes?"

"What are you doing with that skull?"

"Bravo gave it to me! It's Dingo's! Or, it was. Until it was appropriated. By Bravo. To give to us! As a trophy! Like theirs! I named it Hoboface, since Dingo hated it when I called him that. Isn't that right, Hoboface?"

Marie moved the skull's jaw once more, making her "Hoboface" voice.

"Damn straight, bitch! I'll keeeel you!"

Evie stared blankly at the skull, before turning and walking away, choosing to say nothing. It was far too early in the morning to be dealing with Marie. Especially when Marie was feeling particularly obnoxious.

Marie stood and strolled after her friend, eyeing the skull in her hand. "Well, my friend. It seems that she needs a little more time to get used to you. Don't worry, she'll come around."

Making the skull nod, Marie giggled, then looped it through some rope she'd found, tying it to her belt, skipping off, the skull clattering at her side in the early morning light.


	23. Not Well Thought Out

Author's Note: So! This was going to be the original final battle with the Alien Queen, from Chapter 19 of Hero is a Cheap Label. We realized it's a bit too silly for a more serious story, but this was the original idea, and we still love it, so we're writing it anyway!

So, to denote where the new stuff is, versus the old stuff, there's just a line breaker, like we do to denote scene changes. Just keep reading through it, it's all one thing. Or, if you want to skip the old stuff, just go to where all the symbols are in the story, and read until there is another line of symbols. Kay? Kay.

Disclaimer: We still own nothing. Of course. Duh.

#%#*&$(^%*)&((#$&%^$&$*%(^)%*#$*&%(^#%$^#$*&%(^)%*#*()*&*^#%$$&*(^&)(^%*$&^#%*(%^&#%*^())^&%*$&#$%^#$%#^&$*%()^_))&)^&%*$*%#^%#*&(%^*)(%&*^($%&#$

Not Well Thought Out

The four ran through the dark, close tunnels. The stench of blood, carnage and death clung to everything around. They kept their eyes on the move, peering for any sign of their prey. But nothing dropped from the ceiling, darted out from a crevice, or charged at them screaming. It was odd. Marie didn't like it.

They charged into the main cavern, having caught up sooner than they had thought, or wanted. There was the main team, wrangling the Queen as best they could, with drones pouring in from everywhere. One warrior had gotten his spear through the Queen's tail. The other warriors were trying to avoid the flailing limbs and talons, attempting to stab through her limbs. So far, it wasn't working well. The warriors in charge of keeping the drones at bay were struggling. The tide was overwhelming.

Nodding to each other, the humans charged off in two teams, Evie and Marie and Jedi with Sketchers. They went to the main areas where the drones were coming, firing into the massive wall of black bodies.

Soon enough, their bullets were gone and they moved on to their warrior weapons. Though not as well trained in their use as the warrior aliens, all the humans were good enough at improvising that they avoided any major injuries from the Xenos.

A sudden screech raised the hair on their arms. Checking back, the human teams saw that the spear that had been stuck through the Queen's tail had gotten lodged in between some rocks, effectively trapping the gigantic beast for the moment. The warriors were moving in and Elder Pimp dove in, slamming his weapon down through the Queen's right foreleg, making the beast scream again.

Gritting their teeth against the ear splitting noise, the humans went back to work with their warrior partners, hacking at the beasts charging them in an attempt to get to their beloved queen. The humans shrugged, turning back to the endless sea of monsters.

On and on they came and everyone could feel the wear on their muscles, tiring with the effort of killing. Xenomorph blood oozed through the cavern, carving its way through the rocks. The pattern of killing was easy, one person shooting, one reloading. When the bullets were gone, their blades danced in the darkness, slaughtering the hordes before them.

But, the steady system broke down when Sketchers howled in pain, stumbling away from the wall of Xenos, leg sizzling with the burn of splattered alien blood. Jedi shouted and darted over, trying to keep both their areas clear as he dragged Sketchers out of immediate danger.

Jedi looked up, calling across the battle field. "EVIE! MARIE! MAN DOWN! MAN DOWN!"

Marie and Evie looked up and over, then waved to some of the warriors nearby. A few stepped in to fill the gap they left as the women charged over, darting past corpses of both alien species and around the blasts from the warrior guns.

Reaching Jedi and Sketchers, both girls knelt down. Jedi was holding Sketchers' wrists, keeping the flailing and screaming man from trying to wrap his hands around the wound. The acid sizzled, still eating away at the flesh and muscle.

Marie pulled out the blade Martello had given her and tore through his pant leg, getting most of the acid away. Then, as Evie prepped some sort of warrior medicine, Marie doused his wound in water, trying to flush out more of the acid. The sizzling slowed, but Sketchers screamed again, then passed out.

Evie knelt next to him and steadied her hand. Swiftly, she slid the needle under the skin left on his leg and shot a bright orange substance into him. Sketchers woke up long enough to feel the pain of the injection, scream one last time, and pass out once more.

Carefully, Evie began wrapping his leg in linens as Jedi looked on. Clearing his throat, he tapped Evie's shoulder. "Hey. What was that orange stuff you gave him? What does it do?"

Evie shrugged and finished her bandage work. "Dunno. It's what those guys use when they aren't TOO seriously hurt. Hopefully it won't kill him. Not much else we could do but try."

Jedi nodded, pale. Evie patted his hand. "It's gonna be okay, Jedi.

He'll be okay."

"If you say so."

Before Evie could respond to him, Marie waved at them and pointed towards the queen. The drones were still being held at bay, despite the dwindling numbers of warriors. But, the queen had yet to be neutralized. Which was an unfortunate turn of events for the warrior they had dubbed Loser, for his unpleasantness.

He struggled in the hand of the queen, trying to bring his blades up. The queen was pulling him close, opening her outer mouth, clearly preparing to puncture through his helmet and brain, ending him permanently.

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Marie, seeing Loser's end coming, was torn. She didn't like Loser. He was kind of a jerk. But, she didn't really want to give the Queen the satisfaction of killing another warrior. So, completely without thinking, Marie charged forward, howling in incoherent rage, and grasped onto the Queen's tail.

What she hoped to accomplish by this was, honestly, unknown. The tail lifted up, and began shaking about, the Alien clearly trying to dislodge the mild irritation. The Queen was so distracted by the shrieking, gibbering, clinging thing on her tail, that Loser was able to make good his escape, falling and rolling away from the monstrous Queen.

Now the Queen was even more irritated. She began thrashing her tail even harder and faster, but still the thing clung, screaming further.

Marie was not having the best of times. She was beginning to get a bit of a headache, and she thought she may vomit. She screamed out, trying to get Evie's attention. "EeeeEEEeeeviiiIIIEEeee! HeeeEEEEllp MEEeeee!"

Evie stood off to the side, watching over Sketcher's with Jedi. "You're doing fine, Marie! Just keep at it!"

"Iiii thiiIInk IIIii am goooOOING to PUUUUuuuukeee!"

Evie nodded solemnly. "And now you know how I feel every time I get into Goners and you drive like a maniac. Sucks, doesn't it?"

"UuuuuUUUUgh.."

Evie smiled to herself, even though she was a bit worried about Marie's well being. The Queen was getting even more irritated. "If you do feel the need to vomit, try to do it on Ninja over there. He's used to it."

Ninja stopped fighting at the sound of his nickname and gave Evie a piercing look, uncertain of what she was talking about. He hadn't been paying much attention. Fortunately, Marie distracted Evie's attention further.

"IIiiii doooOOOn't aaAAAAHMAGAWDaapreciate your wiiIIItty one line reeEEEjoooIINNderssSS!"

Evie knelt by Sketcher's, checking on his injury. "Oh, you're still using big words. You'll be fine."

"DEARSWEETBABYJESUSROCKS!"

"Baby Jesus rocks, you say? How fascinating."

At this point, the Queen had had just about enough. Hissing, she flung her tail forward, bringing the clinger right in front of her face. Marie was a bit pale at this point, but stared down the Queen as best she could, while hanging upside down from the Queen's tail.

Blinking, Marie stared at the head of the Queen, a head easily two times her full body size. "MY! You look a lot better from this angle. Probably because I can't see your face, and those icky mouth things. It makes you look much more charming."

The Queen adjusted and Marie was facing her dead on, still upside down. Grimacing at the drooling, gaping maw, Marie decided now would be a great time for some cavalry to show up. Maybe Gandalf the White would make an appearance. Yelling, she looked around for her friends. "HEY! GUYS! Now would be a GREAT TIME to KILL THIS BITCH!"

Ninja and Martello wasted no time charging in, blasters up and firing. The other warriors followed their lead, a few remaining by the entry ways to guard against the still vicious horde of drone Xenomorphs.

Martello aimed carefully and blew off the Queen's tail, sending Marie, and the tail, falling towards the ground. Marie screamed, knowing that the ground would not be nice to her tiny, squishy, frail self. Bracing herself for impact, and to try and roll out of the fall, Marie landed with an "OOF!" on something surprisingly not stone like.

Opening her eyes, she found herself in Martello's grip, as he leapt backwards, away from the spray of blood from the Queen's tail. He looked down at her, nodded, then let loose another laser blast, causing the Queen to scream in agony.

Soon, the Queen was dead. With a final shriek, the Xenomorph Queen fell, shuddering, acidic blood eating away even at the rock. The drones began to panic, screaming their piercing wails. Some fled into the tunnels, some attacked rabidly, and some stood stock still, completely lost without their Queen.

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Soon, the Xenos that hadn't been slaughtered had scattered and the cavern was empty and silent. The warriors gathered around the body of the queen gazing down at the beast, then to the Elder Pimp. The Elder was standing next to Anchor, who was clutching his blood-covered spear.

The humans walked forward, Jedi holding Sketchers' body over his shoulder. They stood at the outskirts, peering through gaps in the warriors' ranks. The Elder was speaking and Marie did her best to translate for the others.

"Well, it turns out that Anchor was the one who dealt the killing blow. The Elder is complimenting him. Oh! Now he's totally burning on Loser over there. He wasn't supposed to be near the queen. He was on perimeter duty. Snap! I don't know what all those words mean, but they most certainly aren't complimentary."

Suddenly, the warriors split apart and the Elder was staring straight at the four humans. He pointed at them and waved, clearly urging them forward. Gulping, Marie led the way, followed by Evie and Jedi with Sketchers taking up the rear.

They stood before the Elder and he stared at them intently. He spoke a few words, then turned to one of the Xenomorph bodies and plucked off a finger. The acid oozed and hissed, and Marie winced a bit. But, she took off her goggles and brushed back her hair, laying bare her forehead. Evie and Jedi followed suit, Jedi standing Sketchers up as best he could.

The Elder stepped forward and began drawing on Marie's forehead. She dug her nails into her palms, desperately trying not to flinch or cry out. The mark was a straight line down, with a slanted line across it, and a small dot opposite the top of the slanted line.

The Elder moved on to Evie and Marie caught the look on Jedi's face. He clearly didn't understand what was going on and he REALLY didn't want this to happen. She shrugged at him and gave a half smile as the Elder turned to him next.

He took it bravely, still holding Sketchers. The Elder quirked his head, contemplating the unconscious man. Then, he reached out and quickly made the mark on Sketcher's forehead. The man twitched, grunting in pain, but staying unconscious.

The Elder stepped back, looked up and let out an ear shattering roar. The other warriors joined in as well. With another shrug, the humans began screaming along with, feeling the primal glee of having survived the killing grounds.

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End Author's Note: Are you, or are you not, pleased that we went with the more serious version? We still have a special love for this silly version, however.


	24. Escape From the Mother Ship

Author's Note: We own nothing. Whoo! We figured after a long hiatus, that you all would skin us Predator style if we didn't give you SOME update on Marie, Evie, and their lovely Yautja friends. So! Here they are! But now, IN SPAAAACE. WhooOOoo! The final frontier!

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Escape From the Mother Ship

The shuttle cruised smoothly through space, the planet in front of it steadily growing from the size of a marble into a respectable dust ball. Evie stared out one of the small windows, still awed by the fact she was visiting worlds that humans had never even thought existed. Her makeshift Yautja helmet on her hip, she contemplated the swirling dusts already apparent to her eyes on the surface of the world. This wasn't the first planet the rebel group had visited, but it WAS the first time she and Marie were being allowed to go along.

The other members of the slowly growing rebellion hadn't really wanted the humans, male or female, to be much involved. Apparently, this had all become a Yautja vs. Yautja thing, and humans were just a side note in a messy civil war. All the honor and glory were to go to the REAL warriors, not the weak humans. But, once it became evident that logistics, base locations, and scouting didn't involve a lot of glory or killing things, they swiftly changed their minds and allowed some humans in on the action.

And thus, Evie, Marie, Jedi and Sketchers were being allowed off the mother ship for the first time since they had boarded it some time ago. And while the ship was a wonder of technology and architecture, it just got a bit old after awhile. Marie had been getting antsy and the Yautja on the ship had the knife wounds to prove it.

Suddenly, Evie felt a weight settling on her shoulder. Looking out of the corner of her eye, she came eye to face with a grinning skull, with fingers wiggling around inside it.

"Sup bitch! You an alien? Cus dat ass is out of this WORLD!"

Evie groaned. "Why can't you ever come up with better pick up lines?"

Marie popped up, replacing the skull with her own head on Evie's shoulder. "Because Hoboface really likes trashy pick up lines. Duh."

The two stood in silence for a bit as the shuttle began to land. Marie frowned. "It looks hot out there. I don't like being hot."

A voice rang out from behind the two.

"That's a shame, since you're ALWAYS hot!"

Marie shut her eyes, waving away the compliment. "Shut up, Jedi. You suck."

"Your face sucks!"

"You wish!"

Sketchers wandered up, taking care to place himself on the side of Evie away from Marie. "I don't think anybody's face sucks," he said.

Marie sniffed in disgust. "Yeah, well, you're stupid and your mom's face sucks."

During all this incredibly witty banter, Dho'mago'te and Tvrtko stood near the door, waiting impatiently. Tvrtko snapped at the group of humans.

Evie waved her hand at the dark warrior. "Yeah, yeah, I know. We're coming."

Marie shook her head emphatically. "No! It's too hot outside! Take me to a planet that's cold!"

As the group began walking out of the ship, Evie shook her head just as intensely. "No! Not cold! Warm is better!"

Sketchers attempted to offer a compromise. "Well, why can't we find a planet that's in between?"

Marie and Evie gave him scathing looks, before stomping off after the swiftly vanishing aliens. Jedi patted Sketchers on the shoulder in comfort. "Don't worry about them. They just don't think things like we do. Anyway, we can't go to a decent planet, because where do you think all the relocation sites are going to be? They want the humans to survive and repopulate. They aren't going to stick their breeding stock on planets where they'll die. Defeats the purpose, get it?"

Sketchers nodded, eyes watching Evie as she carried on a weird conversation with the dark warrior he still called Ninja. "How do they do that?"

Jedi blinked. "Do what?"

"Talk to those… Guys. I mean, I only hear clicks. And they just, I dunno, get whatever is being said."

Jedi thought over this, his steps slowing. "Well… They HAVE spent more time with the aliens. And I think Evie and Marie have been teaching them English in exchange for their language. So, of course they'd be able to understand stuff better than us. It's not like we go out of our way to talk to any of them."

Neither man was certain what kind of conversation one HAD with an alien being. Did they even have small talk about the weather, a staple of all human conversation? Or was their idea of pleasant conversation a discussion over the best way to remove something's skull and spine without damaging the trophy? It wasn't something they really wanted to find out.

The two shook themselves out of their odd thoughts and quickened pace to catch up with their four other companions. Being alone on a strange planet did NOT appeal to them.

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"No, Tvrtko. We can't just leave them behind to watch the ship. You know that."

The alien warrior huffed, as much as a warrior EVER huffed, and crossed his arms, chittering quietly to the woman on his left. "The males slow us down. And they aren't even very good hunters. What merit is there in dragging meat sacks around?"

Evie's eyes narrowed, her own arms crossing. "Well, I'M one of those 'meat sacks' as you so eloquently put it. Don't Marie and I slow you down too? And we can't take down NEARLY as many enemies as you can. Why not have US watch the ship, then, mister high and mighty hunter?"

The black warrior was quiet and they walked in silence for a few minutes. Just as Evie was about to speak again, he spoke softly. "You're different."

Evie gaped at him and reached a hand out, when Marie ran up in between them, effectively shattering any mood that may have been.

"So! Dho'mago'te and I have been having this totally fabulous conversation, but we're at a disagreement. Now, I say that the best way to get the skull AND the spine out of something is to go for the skull first. More to grab, plus it's really wedged in there. Now, HE seems to think that you need to go spine first, because you can whip the skull out of the flesh and get some more drama and flair and blood splatter that way. Thoughts?"

Evie blinked. "Well, if you try to grab by the skull, wouldn't the skull pop off and leave the spine? Then you'd have, like, two pieces. That's not very impressive. I guess you could glue them back together. But that's tacky. Do you guys even have glue?"

Tvrtko bristled. "I could take a trophy skull first! It's no problem!"

Dho'mago'te scoffed. "YOU have no understanding of the artistry involved in trophy removal. There's a reason we go spine first. The drama, Tvrtko. You have no appreciation for aesthetics."

Tvrtko waved his hand in Evie's direction. "I clearly have an eye for aesthetics! Look at that trophy necklace I've worked on for Faru'qi!"

Everyone stopped and stared at the necklace currently around Evie's neck. Marie quirked her hand, hand on her chin. "Hey… Is that skull still dripping?"

Evie lifted a hand to her shirt and felt it squish. She pulled the hand away, staring at the bluish-green liquid there. Her face contorted into one of disgust as she looked down her shirt. Her face paled and she wiped the substance off on her pants. "Anybody got a Kleenex?"

Marie scrunched up her face. "Eeeeewww."

Dho'mago'te pointed triumphantly. "See? You can't even clean your skulls correctly!"

Tvrtko clattered his mandibles irritably. "She likes the color blue! And I wanted it to be really fresh! Besides, it's not like YOU'VE given Dai'za'te any trophies! The one she has is from another male!"

Dho'mago'te froze in his tracks. Turning to Marie, he gazed at the skull on her hip. "Where did you get that, Dai'za'te?"

Marie waved her hands, trying to disarm the awkward situation. "It's just from D'bravko!"

Tvrtko interrupted with a triumphant laugh. "See? Told you!"

Dho'mago'te's shoulders slumped. "Why are you accepting trophies from someone else?"

Marie waved her hands. This expedition was NOT going how she wanted it to. "It's not like THAT. I killed the guy! Dingo, remember? We were just rushing to get back to yo- The caves! Back to the caves and I forgot it and he went back and grabbed it for me and cleaned it and gave it to me! He's a good friend! Like a brother! A really annoying brother!"

Marie's voice got higher and higher pitched as Dho'mago'te drooped more and more, before shuffling off. Marie jogged after him, since his strides were so much longer. "Dho'mago'te! Wait! That's not even the way we're supposed to be going! I think."

Tvrtko called after her. "Hey, didn't you and D'bravko spend a lot of time together? You know, playing games and what not? I think I heard something about a rock fight."

The grin under his helmet vanished as a rock clanged into his face, sending him stumbling backwards. Marie stood, hands on her hips, the picture of fury. "You mean like that, asshole?"

She stormed off, calling out to the red behemoth. Tvrtko looked at Evie, who was giving him a look of distinct disapproval.

"You deserved that."

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Jedi was at a loss. He looked to Evie for answers. "Now, what just happened here?"

Evie sighed, rubbing the back of her neck. "This is why you REALLY need to pay more attention when I try and teach you the language. Anyway, it's not important. We have an objective here, and so far this planet seems-"

The ground under their feet rumbled, then stopped. Everyone had frozen in their tracks. Another rumble, closer and more severe. Off in the distance, Marie squinted, spotting movement. She looked harder, even as a third tremor hit. She gaped, and took a step back.

"Evie. We need to move! Now!" Marie took off for a nearby plateau, moving faster than most would expect her capable of.

Evie yelled after her. "What is it? What did you see?"

"TREMORS!"

Evie let out a small squeak, then grabbed Jedi and Sketchers by their arms. "Run! Run for the rocks!"

Sketchers was confused. "What's tremors?"

Jedi dead panned. "You have GOT to be kidding me."

Evie flailed her arms, before taking off. "Marie is dead sprinting away! Does that seem like a joke to you?!"

Jedi gulped and took off, Sketchers close behind. The three humans reached the rocks as a fourth tremor shook the ground. Marie had already clambered a good twenty feet up the rock face by this point. The rest followed, struggling to find and keep hand and foot holds in the crumbling rock. Dho'mago'te and Tvrtko stood nearby, clearly unfazed by the goings on around them. Evie looked back and screamed for them to get moving. She was almost shaken down from her perch by the next rumble of the ground.

Right near the two Yautja, a giant tube of flesh reared up from the ground, uttering an eerie cry, before darting down in an attempt to grab the warriors. The two dodged with ease, contemplating the giant creature before them. Marie had reached the top of the rocks and was shrieking as loud as her voice could manage. "GET OUT OF THERE! WE'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO KILL THINGS! GET UP HERE NOW!"

Dho'mago'te pondered the worm as it flailed around. Since he and Tvrtko hadn't moved, it seemed not to notice their presence. How had Dai'za'te known this creature? He watched the beast as it moved towards the rocks, fascinated that such a being existed. Did it have a skull? Maybe Dai'za'te would like it. It was a little big, but bigger was better in the trophy department!

Marie dropped a rock on the worm beast and it swallowed it, before gagging and spitting up the chunk of sediment. It flew past Marie's head at a blinding speed. She froze. "Damn. That coulda killed me."

Evie scrambled over the top, yelling back to the predators. "Guys! Call the ship to us! Now!"

Tvrtko quirked his head. "Why? This creature seems helpless enough. I don't see why you panic so."

Nodding, Dho'mago'te agreed. "We've been standing here the whole time and it's done nothing to us. We'll be fine."

Stamping her foot in frustration, Evie screamed back. "It's not attacking you because you're not moving! It senses vibrations!"

Contemplating the ground, Dho'mago'te lifted a foot. "So, if I were to stamp my foot a few times, it would come here?"

"Probably! But don't do it! Just call the damned ship already!"

With a look at each other, both Yautja began stamping their feet. The beast uttered its chill inducing cry once more, turning back to the meat on the ground. The girls screamed at them incoherently, while Jedi helped Sketchers get over the edge of the plateau. Suddenly, several smaller versions of the worm shot out from the ground, heading for Tvrtko and Dho'mago'te, as well as another worm of a similar size to the first. The two began dodging and whirling about, clearly enjoying themselves.

Marie screamed. "Get out of there you idiots! Call the ship before the ass blasters get here! Or I'll never speak to you again!"

Tvrtko paused and thought on that. "That's a bad thing… Yes?"

Evie yelled out as well. "I won't speak to you either!"

With identical sighs of frustration, Tvrtko summoned the ship as the two warriors dead sprinted for the rocks. Jumping off the back of one of the rearing worms, they both landed neatly on top of the rocks, not even winded. Marie scowled. "I hate you. Stupid, perfect jumping landings."

The ship decloaked and landed. It was a tight fit, but doable. They all piled in and began lifting off. Off in the distance, some sort of flying creature appeared speeding towards them. Marie pointed and yelped. "ASS BLASTER! GOGOGO!"

The ship easily outpaced the flying beast and shot off into the atmosphere. The humans heaved sighs of relief, flopping into chairs. The Yautja sulked, complaining.

"We never get to fight anymore" Dho'mago'te whined.

Tvrtko nodded. "And we didn't even finish scouting the planet. This is awful."

"If we keep not fighting, we'll lose our skills. We may even turn out like THEM."

Both fighters turned and gave nasty looks to Jedi and Sketchers, though no one could actually SEE their looks behind the helmet masks.

Jedi frowned. "Now, I may not understand the language, but I KNOW they were talking about us. What did they say?"

Evie shook her head. "You don't want to know. Really."

"I'm fine not knowing. Let's just drop it, Jedi." Sketchers offered, ever the peacemaker.

Stubbornly, Jedi stared down the two girls. "Tell me. I want to know."

Marie brightened. "I'll tell you! So, they were complaining tha-"

Evie threw her hand over Marie's mouth. "That's enough of that. Oh look! The main ship. Get ready to disembark! Man, I'm beat, how bout you? Marie, stop licking my hand, I'm not letting go."

Marie made muffled noises, flailing her arms about in an attempt at communication. As the ship docked, Evie marched Marie off the small ship. "Gotta go! We feel gross. Shower time! Bye! Toodles! TTYL!"

The four males stared at each other awkwardly as the women disappeared. Jedi glared at the two warriors, the two glared back, and Sketchers cringed. "Jedi, maybe we should go now. I think we could all use a little rest."

The Yautja turned and walked away down the hall. Jedi puffed up, yelling after them. "Yeah, that's right! Walk away! You know we're better than you are! And that those two like us better!"

Tvrtko twitched and began turning around. Dho'mago'te stopped him with a firm grip on his shoulder and walked him off down the hall, muttering to his shorter friend. A sense of male pride filling his heart, Jedi strolled off whistling, Sketchers close behind.

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End Author's Note: Do you think the friendzone still exists in space? Find out later! :D

Also, TREMORS REFERENCE. YAY.


End file.
